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I make my residence in Los Angeles. Now, this means I have to put up with a lot of bullshit. Between traffic, the occasional shootout, and a general lack of barbeque, it can get pretty frustrating. But one thing that’s great about it is that I’m always about four hours away from Vegas. Shitty week? Vegas trip. Just like that. Hell, since all of my friends are from out of state like me, and none of us are rich enough to afford to go home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, we have a tradition of going to Vegas for Turkey Day. We pack six dudes into one room, spend our days at the sports book, and our nights at the craps tables. We even eat Thanksgiving themed sandwiches from Earl of Sandwich for lunch. It’s pretty awesome. Through my trips to Sin City, I’ve picked up on some pretty useful tips that I call “best practices.”
1. Pick a dead part of the year.
Don’t worry, I’m not saying there’s gonna be no one there. You’ll still have the chance to run into your fair share of bachelorette parties, hilarious Australian bros, and recent divorcees who are escaping their kids for the weekend. But you don’t want to be trampled by the rabble. The summer months are actually a pretty decent time to go, crowd-wise, but Vegas in July is hotter than the metal part of Satan’s seat belt. That’s why it’s dead. No one else wants to deal with 110 degree heat any more than you do. So unless you’re planning on never setting foot outdoors, or you have one of those ridiculous air-conditioned jackets, I’d pass. We’ve actually found that Thanksgiving is a phenomenal time to go. Normal families are doing normal Thanksgiving things. The Aussies are there in droves, and the Land Down Under is my favorite country other than the US of A. Plus, you know that any girl who’s skipping Thanksgiving dinner to be in Vegas probably has the daddiest of daddy issues. I’d suggest early-September and mid-December as well.
2. Consider gambling a trip expense, not a money maker.
You are not Dustin Hoffman. When you drop toothpicks on the ground, not only do you have no idea how many there are, you also probably kicked them under your fridge to avoid picking them up. Therefore, do not go to Vegas with the intent of making money. In fact, you should assume that you’ll even lose every level of Candy Crush you attempt while in Vegas. Your luck is that bad. Gambling costs are exactly that: a cost. You should be factoring in how much you can afford to throw down at the tables, based on your average income, your current savings, and how fucked you’ll be if you can’t make rent on time next month. Once you have that number, stick to it. And don’t throw it all down on the first night. Then you’ll have to stick around and watch your buddies win a little money, only to eventually lose it all in a flash, all while you sip on free drinks brought over by the cocktail waitress. Actually, that’s a lot of fun. This is why I love Vegas.
3. Stay in modest accommodations.
I know I mentioned this in my cheap vacations column, but it bears repeating. Unless you’re making Dad-level salary, you do not need to be staying at Caesar’s. Or the Venetian. Or the MGM Grand. In fact, any hotel that’s ever been featured in a movie or TV show set in Vegas is off limits to you. We pretty much always stay in the Imperial Palace. By the way, if you haven’t been there, it is neither imperial, nor is it a palace. I feel like I can read the life story of dozens of failed salesmen just by staring at the faded carpet for too long. But, it’s cheap, and we’ve gotten to be friends with several of the craps dealers and pit bosses. Not that it helps us win ever, but it’s nice to know that Fabian in pit six genuinely wants you to win, even if he does end up with all your chips by the end of the night.
4. Skip the high-end clubs. Go to bars.
I know, I know, it’s tempting to want to hit up Tao or Marquee. There are hundreds of gorgeous girls in heels taller than the fruity douchebag drink you’ve been sipping for the last hour. But guess what? You can’t get any of them. Those girls are there for two things: rubber bands and white powder. You know what I’m talking about. Do you have your cash in the form of a few crumpled bills shoved in your wallet, or do you walk around with what I believe the kids are calling “stacks on stacks on stacks?” Do you also have the best cocaine in the world? No, I’m not talking about the suspiciously off-white eight-ball you bought from the off-duty bouncer in the Imperial bathroom. These girls have noses like a goddamn Dyson, so they will politely touch your arm and whisper in your ear, and gladly drink all the twenty dollar cocktails you buy them, and then at the end of the night, you’ll see them walking out on the arm of the Armenian guy who looks suspiciously like Bogdan, the ball-busting carwash owner from Breaking Bad. Instead, go to a sports bar. They have really good beer specials, you can play beer pong in them, and there’s also gaming in those places too. Plus, that’s where all the lonely ex-housewives are anyway. They don’t like the DJ music at XS. It hurts their ears.
I hope some of you guys take this to heart. It breaks my soul a little bit every time I see someone around my age in Vegas running around like an idiot, blowing money on the stupidest stuff, and talking about “winning it all back.” You guys are making me look bad. I’ve finally earned the respect of a lot of Vegas veterans, and I’ll be damned if I let you idiots ruin my generation’s reputation. Get it together. For me, but more importantly, for yourself. Have some pride in your Vegas skills. Otherwise, you’re just another sucker, donating his money to the house.
Respond
March Madness is a good time in Vegas, as well as Thanksgiving. Another way to get free drinks without gambling is to hang out by a loud and packed craps table and act like you’re gambling, and ask the cocktail waitress for drinks. I do disagree with the hotel suggestion; why? Let’s say you blow all that allotted money you set aside for the weekend on Friday (it happens) well now you’re going to be sitting in a shitty hotel room with sadness which isn’t a pretty combo. Instead pay for a nicer hotel, that way at least when you’re broke and sad you’ll be in a nice room with great pillows to cuddle.
I like the gambling advice, I’ll stick to the Venetian though (their suites aren’t expensive if you get three people). If I’m ponying up for a plane ticket from Portland and organizing my boys to do the same we are going to be sweating out our hangovers in fucking style (not with some degenerates in hooters hotel). Also, pool parties at Tao Beach are the best thing ever.
Food at Tao was amazing, the club part? Not so much
You can do a CRAZY weekend in Vegas for under $500 if you follow these rules and aren’t an idiot. Seriously, all you jackasses rolling up to the Ballagio thinking you’re going to own the place… Not so.
Bellagio
Are we going to plan a PGP trip to Vegas?
Freemont Street. Nickel slots that actually pay out cash and cheap $1 and $5 dollar tables.
Amatuer hour. There’s plenty of desparate cougars that are more than happy to foot the bill for your accomodations. Plus, there was no mention of after-hours clubs (Artisan), free limos to strip clubs, the hordes of desparate locals are more than willing to hang out, and cheap websites (Hotel Tonight) that help ballas on a budget do Vegas right.
100% accurate. Imperial Palace, Harrahs, and Ballys are the best places to stay on the Strip. Go downtown, you can buy a New York strip steak for $5 at 2am then walk next door and get a lap dance. Bill’s Gambling Hall is the most fun casino you’ll ever go to. Go clubbing once and only once so you can see how much it actually sucks – just make sure you’re already wasted and/or high or you’ll walk out of there $500 poorer with nothing to show for it.
Bill’s is no more unfortunately. I cried a little inside when I saw it gutted a couple months ago.
I thought it was being refurbished? I also have a soft spot for Bills. The only thing they ever refused me was water at 4am. “Really no water? No sir, we can do a whiskey and tonic water though.”
Looked into it and you are correct (somewhat). It has been renamed and will reopen as “Gansevoort Las Vegas”. Looks like the cheap country charm of Bill’s has been lost…
I agree with everything except the modest accommodations. Had a great time at the Venetian. It wasn’t that expensive with a group of 6 in two rooms and it’s okay to walk to a cheaper casino to gamble. It’s a little different when you only go to Vegas once or twice a year, if at all.
Imperial palace is no more. This article looses creditablity.
*loses
Roasted.
For #2, budget gambling money for each night you spend. An easy way is to take an envelope for each night and label them as “Thursday”, “Friday”, “Saturday”. Only take that money to the tables those nights. If you win anything or don’t lose it all, you can add that to the next night’s envelope or keep it and some dignity.