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Alright guys, sounds like we’re not done here. I recently wrote a column roasting a few terrible Bumble bios I came across last week. Truth be told, most of those were actually encountered within a matter of minutes, and there are way more where that came from. That, coupled with the commentary and inquiries my roast session sparked, called me to action. So because I really want you guys to succeed out there, I put together this little PSA just for you. I’ll show you what you might be doing wrong and what will clear the way for the main objective tied to your bio: getting girls to actually start a conversation with you.
But first, we need to leverage your expectations against the purpose of app dating itself. The people who have the most fun (and the most success) on dating apps are those who understand and appreciate the sheer ridiculousness of their concept. The number one mistake people make is taking themselves and the process too seriously. Bumble is a toy that is frequently mistaken for a tool. There are platforms that exist for the sole purpose of introducing people who are serious and on the same page about forming relationships, and they all require paid subscriptions. If you’re using Bumble and expecting eHarmony results, it’s probably not going to work out.
That’s not to say you can’t meet great people and find something more meaningful than a couple rolls in the hay, if that is what you’re looking for. You may simply need to adjust your game a little bit.
Think about what happens when you run across someone you know on a dating app. You probably chuckle a little. You might take a screenshot and toss it in the chat. If you’re close with this person you might even send the screenshot to them directly with the caption “Lemme smang.” The point is, it’s usually a pretty lighthearted and humorous event. The keyword: humor. Being on a dating app is funny, and it also happens to be the one thing in common you have with every person whose photo you swipe.
Tapping into the power of this built-in inside joke requires the kind of self-awareness that just spills over into self-deprecation. I’ll let you in on a little secret here. Call it stigma or call it pride; most if not all girls are at least a little embarrassed to use dating apps. Or rather, we feel like we should be embarrassed, but we stopped giving a shit after three months on Tinder in college. In any case, using your bio to talk about how thoroughly you’re killing it at life will more often than not be met with eye rolls and general sentiments of “Okay righteous, you’re on Bumble too” even if your intention was never to alienate and even if you genuinely are killing it at life. The impersonal, automated nature of online and app dating requires users to go one step further in an effort to humanize themselves.
Think about the last profile you saw that you were iffy about. The photos didn’t move you in either way, so you looked at the bio to determine whether that would earn her your right swipe. Her bio said: Yoga, healthy food, the beach, hiking, family and good friends. I just moved here and I love meeting new people! You may have said “meh” and swiped left. Or if you were feeling lonely you swiped right and couldn’t help but feel a little insulted when you didn’t immediately match.
Now picture a profile with the same inconclusive photos, but her bio says: I used the last 5% of my family’s shared data plan to write this. I’m sure that won’t be the last time I use this app to disappoint my father. Chances are you’ll react to this in some way. You’ll either cringe and swipe left, or you’ll laugh, swipe right, and remember her name for when that tri-tone push notification comes through. This girl has selected and targeted a specific type of personality to attract. Sure, her edginess also put off a certain type of person, but those guys aren’t of interest to her anyway. This is an extreme example, but it illustrates the need to make yourself memorable to those you want to attract.
I’ll share with you one of my favorite methods to crafting a winning bio. Take a look your bio as it is. Let’s say, for example, you like fishing. The sport(?) of fishing, while interesting to you, is not an inherently interesting hobby to have. In fact, hobbies themselves are not inherently interesting to have. This is why simply listing things you like to do has historically failed to drop any panties.
That being said, you can still use your expertise in fishing to make yourself look like kind of a badass. For the sake of example, we’ll use the marginally badass skills centered around fishing that I know of:
– Driving a boat
– The ability to sit patiently and quietly for long periods of time
– Scooping the guts out of a dead sea creature
Now, we go back to that self-deprecation we talked about earlier. Pick one of your examples from the above, think of something way less metal about yourself, and juxtapose the two.
For example:
– Immaculate boating record, two-time jaywalking offender.
– Patient enough to sit still for four hours waiting for a bass to bite, but gets impatient waiting 40 seconds for a microwaved quesadilla.
– Regularly cuts open freshly dead fish, is still afraid of the dentist.
It’s as simple as that, really. Not only will this endear you to the girl on the other side of the screen, but she’ll be more inclined to start a banter now that she has something to work with. Think of it as conversational collateral. Soon she’ll offer you something you can play off of, which brings you to the hard part – actually talking to her.
No, the irony of some chick on the internet giving you a formulaic approach to humanizing yourself is not lost on me. There are obviously many different ways to do this. Don’t be afraid to experiment. Try on new bios for a couple weeks at a time and see which ones get you closest to your ideal results.
The main takeaway from all of this is to use dating apps exactly as intended: a lighthearted, fun time-kill where everyone is on a level playing field. You will not score dates by focusing our attention to your prime physical condition, your achievement of self-actualization, or your worldliness. Talk about your senior citizen bedtime, your weird first name, or how one of your proudest moments was that time @thefatjewish accidentally liked one of your Instagrams, and you have our attention.
And if all else fails, you better hope your dog is cute. .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Best
Best specializes in making fun of men and wondering why she is still single. She has over 6,000 followers on Periscope, the reason for which she has yet to figure out. Her Tinder bio once went viral for including a pretty mediocre fart joke. Neither of these events she allows anyone in her life to forget.
@WhatTheHellTina
@t_mihel
tina_mihel
I think if I were in the dating pool, my bio would say something like “I’ve got a job, a reasonably okay penis, and enough common sense not to say ‘fuck’ in front of your mom the first time I meet her. We doing this?”
Hence why you’re not in the dating pool
Two that worked for me were:
1. Hi, haaaaaaaave you met me?
2. I’m a basic white guy.
I at least ended up with a girlfriend out of it, so I guess there’s that.
I’m not sure it worked per-say, but the ones that got the most comments of mine were:
“Even your ex would like me…but he’ll hate that fact if it makes you feel any better”
and then the other was just me making fun of the requests all girls seem to have in their profiles (for example, I’m 6′ tall and like to wear sperrys, so please be shorter!)
I just go with “Employed college graduate” and a pic or two with an animal.
Because let’s be real, is anybody on these apps really looking for much more than that?
Fair point, but I’m farrrr more likely to swipe right/start a conversation with you if you have something a little more unique or clever as your bio. Although something is always better than nothing.
^agree with Rachel on both counts, I’m much more likely to swipe right in general if there’s something written (unless it’s a million random emojis). That being said, if you have a pic with a dog, it’s an automatic right swipe.
Question for the ladies here on the dog: what happens if I take a photo with a friend’s dog because I don’t actually own one and put it on my profile with just this sole purpose of garnering the right swipe?
For me personally (please feel free to chime in, Best or Rachel or anyone else!), the pic with a dog doesn’t just show “does he have a cute dog that I can play with” (although that would be great), it’s more of a sign that you like dogs at least enough to pose with one and dogs are my favorite animal, so we have something in common. It’s also a good and easy conversation opener for us, and if we ask about the dog, even if it’s not yours, you can say it belongs to your friend but you wish you had one/had one as a kid/think the dog is so much fun/ask her if she has any pets, etc. As long as you’re prepared with a way to continue the conversation if we ask about it, that’s fine.
Okay, that’s good info. But what if it’s a lie because I’m mildly afraid of dogs, mainly larger ones. It was a bad childhood experience so don’t murder me, people
If you really want to pile up the matches, google “ATM receipt large balance” and post a reasonable picture as one of your photos after you blur out part of it to make it seem like you’re covering your personal info.
Posting my own ATM balance would be self-depricating.
She’ll take one look and think you’re an L7 weenie.
I have no money, how can you have s’more of nothing?
10/10 for creativity
I had a gay co-worker rip my profile apart, and the results afterward have been fire emoji
1. Be attractive
2. Don’t be unattractive
I went with “I’m Russian and yes, my vodka-drinking skills are very proficient. I’ve been know to rap Eminem in the shower.” as my about me. Had some success lately with that but it’s always a crapshoot with apps, at least in my experience.
Step 1: Be Pretty
Step 2: Stop over-analyzing
ugh, my bio says “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Kidnapping