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“We get it, you brunch,” you think to yourself while scrolling Instagram on any given weekend day while you see photos of your “friends” far and wide posting photos of their overpriced, overcooked eggs and five accompanying drinks. “Brunch,” a word that has evolved from a noun to a verb, is presently a hungover staple, a place to be seen and a millennial rite of passage. It’s also the most pretentious meal of the day as further evidenced by the lifestyle curator of all lifestyle curators, Gwyneth Paltrow.
Gwyneth Paltrow is no stranger to throwing money around at overpriced wellness items that range anywhere from fair-trade vegan-friendly condoms to an “energy clearing kit” that legitimately just looks like a box of sticks and dirt that she collected on a walk through the woods.
Obviously, her brunch isn’t going to be any different. Color me surprised that she even drinks in the first place given her affinity for holistic shit, but even the healthiest of healthy needs to let loose every once in a while with an organic Oregonian wine followed by a nip of vodka to cap the night off. On Sunday, Gwyneth posted an Instagram of her brunch complete with hashtags you’d see out of a mid-20s girl grasping at straws for her hundredth like – #latebrunch and #toooldforthislevelofhangover. We get it, Gwyneth, you’re a responsible and functioning adult who doesn’t get hangovers anymore. Cool.
At first glance, I thought, “I would fuck that brunch up.” When I’m hungover, the easiest way to clear my mind is by doing something bougie and out of my price range. If that means retail therapy, so be it. A restaurant that’s selling me $13 eggs benedict rather than a mom-and-pop diner? Sure, I’ll shell out. Buy a new release on iTunes rather than leech off my mom’s Netflix account? Take my money.
But upon a closer look of the photo she had posted, I had the realization that this meal was well beyond the means of anything I can afford at this state in my life.
The Eggs – Free
If you think she’s eating anything but free-range chicken eggs from the chicken coop she has at her house, you’re insane. There’s not a chance in hell she’s going to schlep through a grocery store eating eggs that were grown on anyone else’s watch.
It appears as though she has somewhere in the realm of six total eggs on that plate, which is an absurd amount of eggs unless she’s (for some reason) attempting to put on a bunch of mass ahead of a mixed martial arts fight. But it doesn’t matter because, as I’ve said, the only cost that these eggs have is the time it took her to put on Turkish handmade moccasins and make her way to the coop.
The spices and garnishes atop her eggs are (obviously) from her garden, which (again) costs nothing but time.
Bread – $8.75
She most likely did not get this bread from Tartine Bakery in San Francisco, but it has to be similar in quality to that you would get from best and most popular bakery. At $8.75 per loaf of Sesame, Walnut, Olive, Whole Wheat bread, it’s safe to assume that whatever bakery was graced with her (read: her assistant’s) presence charges a comparable price.
Avocados – $1.99 x 2
Large Hass avocados? Nah, not for her. What appears to be two split avocados garnished with limes on the right of the photo are undoubtedly organic, and undoubtedly cost at the upper-end of what good avocados cost. $1.99 is a fair estimate given most avocados don’t go above that, no matter how many organic restrictions are put on them.
Figs – $6.50/lb
It’s difficult to see how many figs she actually had at her brunch, but let’s agree that she definitely did two things: 1. picked them herself and 2. purchased one full pound of them for meals other than this exact brunch. $6.50 per pound is a fair (yet expensive) price for anyone of Gwyneth’s calibur to shell out when money isn’t an option.
But this is where the real fun begins.
Dishware – $700
The dishware she appears to be using is produced by Match, a pewter company out of Italy that’s going to cause you to leave any establishment that sells them with a much lighter wallet. I will only appraise what she has in this photo because making any gross assumptions about her complete set would be a disservice to both her and this column.
From what I can see, she has two buffet plates ($155 each), three dessert plates ($105 each), and a coffee mug ($75 each). This all equals out to about $700, which is a low-end estimate given that there are probably other items out of frame that ravaged her bank account as well.
Glassware – $735
This was the most difficult item to identify. Not because the brand isn’t clear, but because the style of her glassware may or may not have been discontinued. William Yeoward Crystal, and English crystal producer, likely produced the three water glasses she has placed on the table. These highball glasses are most similar to their Pearl pattern, which will run you a cool $245 per glass. Multiply that by three and you’re staring at a tab that’s $735 (also known as the better part of your rent).
The salt dish in the upper right of the photo is likely also William Yeoward, and their salt dishes average about $165.
Napkins – $90
Impossible to identify which brand these linen napkins actually come from due to their generic (or as she would call it, “simplistic”) nature, they’re going to fall into the $45 per napkin range. It would literally be cheaper to wipe your face with $1 bills over the span of 20+ meals than it would be to buy sets of these napkins.
Her final tally? Well, it’s a casual $1,544.23. But when you’re that rich, can you really put a price on a hangover cure? .
Don’t forget to join us in Austin for Saved By The Brunch on March 12th which will be much cheaper (but drunker) than anything Gwyneth Paltrow is doing.
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
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This type of in depth, hard-hitting brunch analysis is why DeFries is able to afford $300 coats.
$270 if you use TB10 at checkout courtesy of Touching Base!
Leaving this at 69 upvotes because I’m like that still.
K you guys ruined it thx.
Your wedding register is probably going to be fire and expensive but it won’t be because of your girlfriend.
Holy shit, I don’t care
We get it, you don’t like me.
I like you Will and I still don’t give a shit about this.
Didn’t even notice it was by Will, but now I get why the title pissed me off so much.
Not believing that for a second.
Did I hurt your feelings?
You OK today Jesus?
All good, brah! What’s up?
Being too rich to get the scaries: priceless.
That’s some “fuck you” money right there
No booze? I think we can all agree that a brunch without booze is just a sad, late breakfast.
Those eggs look delicious though…
Genuine question, how is this Brunch? There’s no alcohol or non-breakfast food here, just eggs, toast, fruit and avocados. Has brunch become a catch all for a non-dinner meal? Why does this bother me so much? What’s the world becoming? When will I stop using questions as a rhetorical device?
This is fake brunch. Why doesn’t she have a ton of booze?
Wait a second…. This guy drinks!!?!
Trying to decide if the knowledge and research on the china, glasses, and napkins is amazing or pathetic.