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While my girlfriend and I were out to dinner last week, the following conversation occurred.
Jennie: “So Nikki is texting me from her Hinge date, she says this guy is a taxidermist. Is that still a career?”
Me: “I guess so, I mean I still see stuffed heads and animals in museums and stuff. Nikki, isn’t she the one who Vlogs about her dates the next day?”
Jennie: “No that’s Nicole.”
Me: “Nikki and Nicole aren’t the same person?”
Jennie: “Two different people.”
Me: “Okay, I’m never going to be able to keep all your friends straight.”
Jennie: “Why?”
Me: “You have too many of them.”
Jennie: “Stop being dramatic. Look there’s my two roommates from college, Heidi and Jenna. Then there are the girls from work Carrie R., Nikki, and Jenn. There’s Jennifer, who was my big. My little, Carrie T. The other friends from my sorority, Nicole, Carrie L., Becca, Tia, and Theresa. Then there are the out of town friends, Carrie M., Shannon, Ella, and–babe, why are you banging your head against the table?”
Once every week or two, my girlfriend will start a story about one of her friends. She’ll be going on about Becca’s latest Tinder date, Samantha’s creepy boss, or her plans for a girls happy hour with Natalie, Clarissa, and Megan, and I’ll realize something: I have no clue who this person is. Jennie and I have been dating for almost five months at this point, and I have met a lot of her friends. Yet it seems she is constantly dropping new names on me every few days like it’s no big deal.
She insists that 14 friends (that I know of so far), is a normal number and that I’m a weirdo for only having 6 friends. If I’m being completely honest, though, in terms of honest to God friends, like people I want to see and hang out with regularly, the number is probably 4 if we’re not counting Jennie, my parents, and my brother. These are the ride-or-dies, people that you’re actively seeking out to hang on a Friday night. This isn’t counting those acquaintance friends who hit you up every few months and you chill out at their party. For true friends, there is definitely a number that is too damn high. The question, though, is what is that number?
Zero Friends
Are you an antisocial hermit? Do you live in a decrepit shack in the woods? Are your walls covered in newspaper clippings with strings connecting them as proof of your conspiracy theory about how Kanye is part of the Illuminati and Trump’s election was part of his grand plan to get elected in 2020? If so, then yeah, it makes sense that you have zero friends because you’re kind of weird. Otherwise, leave your cozy apartment and meet some real people.
One to Two Friends
You’re on the low end of the spectrum here, but I must say I respect you. You pride quality over quantity, preferring the company of no one to those that you only tolerate. A friendship with you is meaningful, something to be cherished. A spot on your friend list is more coveted than a pair of Yeezys.
But you must acknowledge that you are on the low end of the spectrum here. One or two friends is a precarious position to be in. What if two of you have a falling out? Or one of you moves? Or two people hook up? A threesome inevitably has a dynamic where one person is the odd-one-out. When you get excluded from some events, you don’t have the luxury of other friends to fall back to.
Three to Five Friends
The sweet spot. How large was the gang in Seinfeld? Four. How about in Friends? Six. It’s Always Sunny? Five. How I Met Your Mother? Five. Three to five friends officially qualify as a squad. You will, at a minimum, have enough people for a foursome for Saturday morning tee-times. You can fit six people into one Uber XL. If two people fall out or hook up, there’s always at least another pair to hang out alone, mediate conflict, or make fun of your other friends behind their back.
Yet, this still has the air of exclusivity. You know how hard it is to break into a core group of five? Nearly impossible. Your group text is in a harmonious state of active yet not disruptive. Your favorite booth at the bar seats all of you comfortably, and the bartender knows all your names. When the check comes, you divide it evenly and the couples take up one third. You can’t disrupt that by adding in a seventh person. Do you know what one-seventh is percentage-wise? No one does, except the eggheads at NASA. Don’t introduce chaos to this system.
Six to Seven Friends
Manageable, but this is the absolute high end. In a seven or eight person friend group, someone’s bound to get left out. Maybe you have a foursome for golf next weekend, but Ben also wants to play. Is everyone else going to want to play with him to make another foursome? If you’re going out to the bars, all seven of you, you’ll have to take two Ubers. It’s madness every time you want to leave the pregame.
With this many people, there’s also bound to be some drama as inner circles form. Jayce and Morgan aren’t quite as good of friends as your high school friends Zac and Annie, so they don’t get the instant invite to the Christmas party. If you win tickets to the premiere of the new Star Wars movie, someone’s not getting an invite. A friend group with tiers within it will eventually collapse. If some of the crew is out of town or married and unable to come out at all times, this structure is easier to maintain. But eight single people together every weekend will eventually lead to disaster.
Eight or More Friends
Nope, too many. Two Uber XLs to fit the whole crew, minimum. You need an entire row to sit together at a baseball game. You’re never going to be able to decide on a bar to go to, because someone (probably fucking Laurie) had bad service at the consensus choice one time and refuses to go. Not only can and will sub-groups develop within friend groups this large, they’ll start to actively oppose each other. Your grad school friends will sneer at your high school friends, who will be unable to stand your college friends, who can’t get along with your work friends. And all of them will be clamoring for your time and attention, judging you when you turn them down to hang out with your other “better” friends.
And God forbid you might want to spend a night in alone to yourself to watch all the Iron Man movies with a glass of whiskey. You haven’t hung out with Ben and Ian in weeks they’ll plead. You never have time for us anymore, they’ll say with the same guilty tone as a husband or wife who’s resentful their spouse is always working.
This is where my girlfriend is, always on the go with some plans stacked up every night of the week. Always trying to schedule time for me around all her obligations to these numerous friends. Meanwhile, I go and hang out with my own friends at our convenience, with ample time for me-time. So, for her sake, I hope you all support me on this issue: there is such a thing as too many friends. She has too many friends. At the least, I should get a break for not remembering all these names. .
Respond
@joshetyler
@joshetyler
I think of it as a tiered system –
Tier 1 – these are the 2 or 3 ride or dies. If they call you answer
Tier 2 – These are the 4-8 friends who if they ask to hang out you don’t dread it
Tier 3 – The remainders, where if you see them you say “Hi” to be nice
This is a good take.
I think tier 3 is for old friends who you have lost touch with but don’t mind hanging out with if it isn’t too much of a hassle. Think old fraternity friends who weren’t in your immediate circle.
Zero friends: pretend the people that “nice work” your PGP comments are your friends then cry yourself to sleep every night
Also, just FYI Team Grandex, there are now paragraphs on the app. Just one big chunk of words.
I’ll be your friend man.
Ditto.
you wanna be my bowling friend?
It’s where we’re friends. and we bowl.
I don’t think you can have too many friends, but I do think you can have too many core friends. That is where you need to show the distinction, I have alot of friends but only about 5 that I constantly interact with.
I think that your girlfriend, like so many people our age, is confused about the difference between friends and acquaintances.
Friends are people you can go for years without seeing and then when you reconnect it’s as if you just saw each other yesterday. Or they’re people you can call at 3 AM when something awful happened and they’ll be there for you. Acquaintances are people you hang out with out of convenience, like coworkers, but should circumstances change or get difficult, you’ll probably never talk to them again.
From everything that I’ve seen, it’s very, very rare to have more than a few friends throughout life.
I don’t really have friends in my current city (and I’ve been here for four years) other than current and former co-workers who have similar drinking habits who I meet up with on the weekends on occasion, but those aren’t really the same thing.
My core group of friends (5 or so guys) live spread across Kansas City to Arizona and don’t see them more than a handful of times a year. I enjoy spending time conversing, drinking, cooking, sightseeing, traveling, etc. with my fiancee, but am I missing out on something by not being more sociable? I am generally friendly but I really just don’t care that much to try to hang out with new people.
Sounds like you are very, very content with your core group of friends. I’m going to guess that even though you see them a few times a year, that time spent really makes all that distance worthwhile and it really fills your friendship needs.
Source: Myself, being in a highly similar situation friends wise
All my tier ones are at least an 8 hour drive away or abroad. The worst. I can’t imagine having a circle of tier ones in the same city. I wouldn’t trade them for the world but it’s definitely way more lonely
You’ll quickly find out who your realest and closest friends are when North Korea, China, and Russia merge as an unlabelled mercinary militia and invade us to gain control over all the Walmarts and Dollar Stores we have lol
Idk I have a small number of very close friends but I travel in a lot of different circles. As long as it’s not toxic it’s good to know people. You never know when you might need someone or vice versa.
Ranking your friends by who’s weddings you’re willing to travel more than 50 miles for. PGP
Are all these people in her group chat?
Does she have a smaller group chat that she uses more often?
The smaller group is Tier 1, the larger is Tier 2, treat them accordingly.
Or you have 8+ friends that you do everything with and if shit flares up you’re friends and work through it. But to each their own I guess.