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What’s the longest that you should text a girl you met through an app before actually meeting up with them in person? A few days? A week? Whenever it feels right?
The reason I’m asking is because a few weeks ago, I matched with a girl on Bumble. She was cute, intelligent, and based on her photo of her in a desert with a camel, well traveled. She started the conversation by asking what the weirdest thing I’d ever done was, and I told her that I went to a Krampus party (which is true). We hit it off from there, talking about things all over the board. Travel, writing, music, work, friends, we covered it all. This is the same person who I ghosted on my birthday and asked out for drinks.
So, here’s the thing. She said yes. She wanted to get drinks. I was excited. I’m pretty sure she was too. The only thing was that she wasn’t available to meet up that week. Normally, that’d be fine, I’d just recommend a Saturday brunch date. But she was out of town on Saturday. And then I left on Sunday to go to Phoenix for a whole week. By the time we’re both back in the same city, three weeks will have passed before we even meet up in person.
That seems like way too long to be texting without any physical interaction. At what point do we stop being two people who might have sex because they met on a dating app, and start being pen pals? It sounds childish, sure, but isn’t that kind of the reality of the situation? I mean, we never see each other and only communicate through text. Sure, I could add Snapchat into the mix, but I worry that will throw me off. My standard timeline for these things is we match, she messages me, we get drinks 3-5 days later, and if it goes well, we add each other on social media so that we can pretend we haven’t been internet stalking each other for the past week or so. Going outside of that plan gives me anxiety.
As far as I can tell, I really have three options in this scenario. The first is that I can keep talking to her until I get back from my trip and then see what her week looks like. The problem with that is that’s a lot of commitment to texting, and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet. The second option is that I could just call it quits and ghost her. This is a really tempting option, but I’m hesitant because I actually really like talking to her and I kind of want to see where this goes. The third option is that I can slow fade out of this, so that by Sunday, we won’t have talked for only a few days. That way, I can get back on Sunday night and say something like, “Hey, I know it’s been a few days, but do you still want to grab that drink?”
I’m not a pro at dating, but that third option sounds like the best move to me. The slow fade allows me to not seem too needy, but also doesn’t let me disappear from her mind as well. Let’s hope it works out. If not, oh well..
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Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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Option 4 – tell her you’re in Phoenix for work for the week but would love to grab drinks once you’re back. Takes the pressure off of you to keep a conversation going like option 1 but prevents you from looking like an ass in option 3
Experience: one 7 month relationship in the past 4 years, so you know I’m really really good at this stuff
Definitely this option, girls are people too and understand that schedules don’t always work, if she thinks you’re viable she wants to make it happen just like you do. Be honest and don’t text just to text, text when you have something meaningful to say and try to get those drinks when you’re back.
texting just to text is the worst. leads to crappy conversation and over thinking things.
I agree. If she’s a reasonable human being she’ll understand. Plus, it’s good that she has a life. Sometimes the best people are the inconvenient ones. You don’t need to text her every day but I bet she’d appreciate a “like” on social media here and there so she knows you’re still interested. And when you’re both back in town, you can text her something along the lines of “Hey, I still owe you a drink. Let’s get together this week.”
That actually does sound like the right move.
This is actually 100% the move, and what I used successfully when I went home for winter break. Tossed in a few snaps too.
Option 4 – “I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She’s been waiting for me all these years. She’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.”
Add her on Facebook, then create an event for the date and invite her, thus locking her in. Congrats on the future sex. You’re welcome.
But what if she RSVPs “Maybe”?
Text her daily reminders every morning at 9 am on the dot. This should be your only communication with her till you meet. It definitely won’t fail you.
I think that if she’s even half datable, she’ll understand that you’re away for 1 week. If she really does want to get drinks with you, she will.
Classic Charlie over thinking things. Don’t worry buddy, I can picture the follow up article, where the comment section is congratulating you. (you know, on the sex)
I was actually in this situation before my first date with my boyfriend over a year ago. He left for a work trip to Portland for a week and we agreed to have drinks when he got back. If you are into it, then just set a time to meet up after you return – she will understand!
Don’t ghost or slow fade. Keep things light and if you feel like texting her when you have time, then do so. Nothing wrong with asking for her Snapchat or Instagram handle in the mean time so you can feel her out through social media before your date.
Also go with option 3, minus the slow fade. Tell her when you’ll be back and figure out a time to meet from there. Shows her you still have interest, and you will also see if she reciprocates interest by following through with a plan.
Depends on how hot she is.
Option 3 but add her on snapchat as well. That way you can snap her cool pics from Phoenix and it helps build comfort. She will think you are well traveled and important, and the first meetup wont be so awkward and first dateish.
Also, I forgot to add that if you don’t continue contact with this girl while on your trip, she will likely lose interest and move on to someone else. Shes probably talking to a few other guys that want to meet up with her. People have short memories these days, especially those on dating apps.
Very, very good point.
Good move. Snapchat is like a gift from the relationship gods
My wife and I spent four months in the texting phase before we met after finding each other online. Afghanistan may have been involved with that but at the same time it helped. If you think there could be more than sex in play with this girl then try to keep the convo going until you meet up. If it works, great, you’ve got a keeper and a really solid base to kick things off on. If it falls apart, you’ll know it won’t work long-term.