How I Miniaturized Myself And Gave The Greatest Gift Of All

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I’ve been known from time to time to be a wee bit of a narcissist. You have to be an egomaniac in the comedy game to counterbalance the crippling rejection, humiliation and sheer vulnerability you put out there every night. Ever since I moved thousands of miles away from my friends and family I’ve heard nothing but how much they’ve missed me. So for Christmas this year I gave them the next best thing to me moving back home:

A four-inch tall mini JR!

How did I accomplish such a bizarre and frankly alarming feat? I stopped by my friends at Doob in San Francisco and got it done. A Doob is a 3D printed replica of yourself that you can get made at one of their studios, currently located in SF, LA and NYC.

Upon discovering their SF location a few blocks from my place (and talking about it for three straight months, much to the Capital R Roommate’s chagrin), I knew this would make the perfect holiday gift for my loved ones.

First, I planned my outfit:

I made sure to go with the most Cali combo I could find, to remind whoever received LilJR (that’s his name) that wherever they may be, I was probably somewhere better. Next I got my 3D picture taken. I walked into a room with 30+ HD cameras aimed at me in 360 degrees, the door was closed and I was told to strike a pose.

I went with a pretty standard pose I’ve perfected through years of underachieving at school/business and having incredible hair: a look of mixed confusion and annoyance while running my hand through my beautiful locks of love.

When I was done and had decided on the picture I liked best, I was asked to pick what size Doob I wanted. The smallest Doob (the 4 inch one I got) was $95 per figurine. Six inches would have been $195, eight inches $295 all the way up to a goddamn GI Joe-sized version, which costs more than a 4k TV. This was because the photos were sent to New York, where each figurine was created and hand painted to match the subject. Once the figurine is complete they’re mailed to you about a month later.

A hundred bucks a pop for essentially a gag gift is a lot of quiche, isn’t it JR? However, I was told that if I bought multiple copies of the same figurine they’d give me a 20% discount, making the price of each 4-inch Doob $76. So naturally, I bought four. One for my mother, two for my best friends and one for myself (duh).

The LilJR’s have all gone over swimmingly and have been hailed as, “The best Christmas gift ever given.” My mother’s is now in a place of great importance:

Hooking up with a virgin in my mother’s house, just like high school.

One of them made it all the way to Hawaii:

He doesn’t like sand. It’s coarse and irritating and it gets everywhere.

And the LilJR that stayed in Chicago followed the yellow dick road and watched my buddy have sex on NYE:

I don’t want to know if he became a part of the action….eh yeah I do.

Those three Doobs have frankly been on their best behavior. It seems however that the one I gifted to myself has a bit of a wild side. Ever since I unboxed him he’s been acting funny.

First he misbehaved back home at my parents’ house:

Even after I moved him back to the West Coast it’s continued. First he had to deal with some nasty locals…

…then he broke his New Years resolution ALREADY…

…until he finally got his revenge.

It’s okay, though, he’s just having trouble adjusting to a new home. I don’t fault him too much, because moves can be hard and the holidays can be rough. Ultimately, I’m very happy with my purchases. If you’re looking for a great gift for a loved one, or maybe you want to do something different on top of your wedding cake, consider stopping by the Doob studio today.

Guys, I’ve been so bored..

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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