Happy Holidays, everyone. I wish I could say I’m enjoying the cheer and magic of the season, but in truth, I think I’m still hungover from my work’s holiday party last week. I knew there were a lot of eyes on me as one of the youngest guys in the office to keep it together, and I’m proud to say, I disappointed the shit out of those expectations. Ya boy got after it, is what I’m saying. Unfortunately, despite my best attempts to counter any and all small talk by always having my mouth full of booze, I still had to answer some questions from my coworkers. Much like I did after the Fourth of July, the answers I gave were not the answers I wish I could have given.
“Have any big holiday plans?”
What I wanted to say: Well, boss, considering how much you pay me, I don’t know how “big” my holiday plans could possibly be. I am excited to be off work for a full eleven days, however, and I plan on making the most of those days by being drunk for every second of them. I’ll be drunk back home in California for the first week (shout out my dad’s liquor cabinet), and then I’ll be drunk at my girlfriend’s family’s Florida house for the rest of the break (shoutout her dad’s liquor cabinet). The location may change, but I assure you, sir, my commitment to drinking one Coors Light every half hour will not. That’s an Arcadia guarantee.
What I did say: I’m actually going to be splitting my time between California and Florida, so I’m pretty excited to catch some sun!
“Are you going to be working from home during the break?”
What I wanted to say: Are you fucking kidding me, Jason? There is no fucking chance I’ll be working from home while I’m on a paid vacation. You are out of your mind if you think I’m even bringing my laptop with me. Yes, I know we’re under a strict deadline on that campaign. No, I don’t give a shit. If the client wanted to run TV spots beginning the first week of January, they should have stuck to the timeline and gotten it approved last month. Fuck them, and fuck you for even asking me that question.
What I did say: Well, I am PTO, but I’ll be accessible if there’s an emergency!
“So how did you two meet?”
What I wanted to say: Well, I was pooping while swiping on dating apps and when I saw how much we had in common, I had to swipe right! Just kidding, I didn’t look past her first picture, which told me she was hot. Our first date was at a shitty college bar where we crushed drinks until we ended up back at my place, if you know what I mean *whispers “I hit that” while my girlfriend looks at me with murder in her eyes*
What I did say: We actually met on one of those dating apps! I know, it is how everyone is meeting nowadays. How did you and your husband meet?
“Do you two live together?”
What I wanted to say: Oh, wow, Kevin. It’s funny you should bring that up. No we do not, and in fact, we were literally just fighting about that on the cab ride over. Right now, we’re in the phase of discussion where we haven’t actually talked about it, so we’re just arguing about what we think the other person wants without revealing our own thoughts. So I don’t know, babe, are we living together next year? Oh don’t go anywhere Kevin, you’re in this now. You’re a part of this fight. Do you think we should live together?
What I did say: Haha, not right now, but we’re thinking about it for next year. Do you and your wife- nope, that’s a dumb question. Anyone need a drink?
“Do you want to take shots?”
What I wanted to say: My fuckin’ man. Who’s date are you? Shit, I don’t know or care who that is. Let’s get it. Let’s. Get. It. What are we doing? Tequila? Hahaha, I know we’re both laughing, but I’m deadly serious. It’s an open bar, my good bitch, and ya boy wants to get after it. Let’s sneak over to the side and rip these things before my bosses see. We’re best friends now.
What I did say: Sure, I could be interested in that. Let’s take them from the downstairs bar so my bosses don’t notice.
“Are you double-fisting?”
What I wanted to say: Hellllllll yesh, I am. Ya know wha- You know what, Kevin, I am double fisting, and yoush -excuse me- you should join me. Why? Because this party needs to turn the fuck uuuuuup, am I right? It’s an open bar, you motherfucker, and I’m going to make the most of it. Wha- I mean, yeah I called you a motherfucker but it was, what’s it called? A term of endearment, ya know? Don’t get butthurt. Letsh take a shot. You like tequila? Go get the other directors, I’ll get ‘em lined up for us. Open baaaaaaaar!
What I did say: Hellllllll yesh, I am. Ya know wha- You know what, Kevin, I am double fisting, and yoush -excuse me- you should join me. Why? Because this party needs to turn the fuck uuuuuup, am I right? It’s an open bar, you motherfucker, and I’m going to make the most of it. Wha- I mean, yeah I called you a motherfucker but it was, what’s it called? A term of endearment, ya know? Don’t get butthurt. Letsh take a shot. You like tequila? Go get the other directors, I’ll get ‘em lined up for us. Open baaaaaaaar!.