Hometown Hookups, Bed Barfs, And Half-Naked Hotel Rooms: The Worst Stories From Last Weekend

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I’m not here to mess around. Yeah, it’s the first Monday after a four-day weekend. Yeah, you’re hungover and tired from eating from the last week as if calories don’t count. And yeah, you’re going to attempt to cure your Monday Blues with sixteen cups of coffee.

But not me. No, not me.

I came here today to do two things: sling content and stack paper. It’s Cyber Monday and Man Outfitters is selling everything at discounts that I frankly can’t fathom. We’re talking Patagonia, Filson, Sperry, Columbia, Outdoor Voices, Vineyard Vines, the works.

The code is CM25 and the discount is 25% off. Seriously. 25% off. Enjoy.

As always, we break some of the following stories down on Touching Base (subscribe on iTunes and SoundCloud). All the episodes can be found below. Proceed with caution.

Alright, let’s get into this weekend’s crop of stories which can be found unedited in quotes below.

Had a vasectomy first thing Friday morning, so this weekend it’s laying around, Netflix binging and icing the boys (Netflix and chill??). I have to say, I’ve had worse weekends.

1. Stop using “Netflix and Chill,” everyone. Even if it applies to icing your piece after getting a vasectomy.

2. Congratulations on never having kids again.

Writing to you live, half naked, from a very nice hotel room.

So I always enjoy reading these posts because I’ve had some misconception that I would never do dumb enough shit to warrant a submission. But here we are.

Friday night I didn’t go out because Wednesday night really took a toll on my body. We had a 30 passenger limo bus and I had way too many bruises on my shins from the stripper pole, but that’s another story. I also have realized I no longer have remarkable undergrad stamina to power through multiple nights of blacking out.

To the story… I am fully recovered on Saturday night and my friends and I decided to get dinner for a friends 25th birthday and throw her a casual surprise party. Very low key night, right? Wrong. During our pregame I decide it’s acceptable to play flip cup and slap cup with vodka because I believe I have superior tolerance. I really don’t but I’m recently single after breaking up with my boyfriend of 4 years and actually give no shits.

We proceed to the bars where I decide to make my girl friend who’s turning 25, kiss 25 guys. I also decide that I will kiss 25 guys. So we are at the first bar and we have kissed a solid 7-8 guys. At this point I decide to bail with a guy friend and this is where shit gets questionable. Keep in mind this guy friend is friends with my ex and I’m friends with his ex. So we are being shady.

We go to the next bar and make out/ dance/ who’s knows what else. Our other friends catch up to us. One of my close girl friends tells me that the guy I have recently been seeing/hooking up with is also at the bar and saw me making out with my guy friend. Awesome.

Guy friend and I then decide to leave the second bar so no one sees our shenanigans. On the way out I absolutely eat shit on the stairs. Like laying on the floor of a bar. I don’t remember much from this point on but my banking app tells me that we took an Uber to a very nice hotel and checked in at 3am. I’m laying here half naked next to my guy friend who is also half naked wondering why aren’t we fully naked? Why are we so shady? What sort of damage control should I do? And why the fuck are we at a hotel in our own hometown? Three things are certain, one, my mother who has access to my banking is going to see this transaction and probably think I’m some sort of escort. Two, I’m hammered right now and haven’t slept yet. Three, my nose is bleeding from whatever substances went up it last night.

What a time to be alive.

Any time “surprise party, “birthday,” and “low key night,” get combined into one scenario, there’s no way it’s actually going to be low key.

Furthermore, there’s no way your mom will think you’re an escort because escorts don’t pay for hotel rooms. Watch Pretty Woman for me one time, Anonymous Submitter. One time.

But finally, I’m not all so sure you should feel badly about going back with your ex’s friend. Yeah, it’s shady. Yeah, you feel guilt. But if we’ve learned anything from romantic comedies, it’s that love finds a way. Granted, I don’t think that “way” is kissing eight guys before going home with this one, but still.

Thanks to the Buckeye victory and a new Christmas bar in my hometown, i managed to completely disappoint my parents on Saturday. Bar hopped with my siblings and some friends all day and closed down a bar. It was a fun day and i didn’t even black out….until I got home. Said hi to my parents and bye to my siblings, and then the next ten minutes are completely gone from my memory.

I don’t have a childhood bedroom anymore, so I stay in the “baby” room when I visit home. My mom babysits my nephews and nieces all week and when they nap, they stay in the same bed i stay in when I visit home. I threw up alllll over that bed and I must’ve rolled in it because it’s all in my hair. I came to when I was pulling all of the bedding off and my mom yelling at me. Throughout the night, I managed to wash all of it, luckily, but when I woke up, I hid from my parents for 3 hours in the room. The first thing my mom said to (yelled at) me was “stop acting like you’re still 18!! You can’t keep throwing up like you’re 18!!” Weirdest part is, I never ever throw up unless I am in my hometown. But of course my parents don’t believe that and they think I’m a degenerate.

The bed is clean but the room reeks of vomit. I forgot my card at the Christmas bar and it doesn’t open until 4 today. And I still have to drive home. Sorry for ruining an otherwise fun weekend, mom and dad. And sorry to the babies who will have to stay in the same bed their borderline alcoholic aunt ruined.

They say, “You’re always 17 in your hometown.” And they’re right. The second you start driving familiar roads and drinking out of your parents’ glassware, you revert back to immaturity and filth. Glad you embraced it, though.

I hope you’ll take Thanksgiving Eve write ins because the scaries were (and still are) very real.

Let me set the scene (with fake names to protect the guilty). We were all planning to hit up pur hometown bar scene on this TGE. We know it was gonna be a high school reunion and we needed to be significantly drunk. So we pregame at Chucks house with Jim and Drew. Jim is probably an alcoholic, and thus pregame with 11 beers. We hit the first bar and do a couple shots. 2nd bar has a $10 card limit, so Jim buys 2 $5 pitchers of Rolling Rock. He gets rejected from the next bar for being too drunk, and we leave him on the streets to learn his lesson (he has a problem). We’re at the drunken high school reunion for about 2 hours. Shots, car bombs, and many rum and cokes. I still haven’t checked my credit card account. All 3 of us black out, meet Jim back at the 2nd bar, drink some more and then head back to Chucks.

I’m awoken to my girlfriend calling me at 930 to make sure I’m on my way to meet her extended family a 3 hour drive away. This hangover was the most debilitating one of my post grad life. I assess the scene, find my belongings, and stumble out the door. Worst drive of my life and her family probably hates me.

However, Drew faired much worse. Although he fell asleep on the floor, in his blacked out state, he crawled in to bed with Chucks mom and she had to run away and sleep on the couch. Not good.

So I have 1st 2nd and possibly 3rd hand scaries from this year’s TGE. Can’t wait for next year.

Classic Chuck pregaming with 11 beers. Even more classic of Drew to get into bed with Chuck’s mom. Just all around classic hometown shenanigans, am I right?

Went to visit my friend down in D.C. for the weekend and we’re drinking all day and met people out at The Palm and looked over and my friend was passed out in the corner … asleep at a steakhouse!

Let’s not shame people for falling asleep after a couple chardonnays. It happens.

Got promoted at work and proceeded to get fucked up with guys 5-10 years my age as a “welcome to the old boys club” celebration Overslept my 7 am cross country flight the next morning. Paid $600 to take the next available flight on a different airline so my parents wouldn’t find out that I was an absolute alcoholic scumbag…forgot to tell my original airline that I WOULD be taking them home… currently sitting in Dulles being told that they bounced me from my return flight….there goes my raise money.

Some people probably this exact same thing but, rather than celebrating a promotion, they just went to their hometown bars and overindulged. At least you’ve got that promotion to look forward to.

I’m a longtime reader, first time submitter. Writing you from Cancun. Why am I in Cancun? My boyfriend’s best friend got married. My boyfriend’s bestie had a destination wedding during the busiest traveling weekend of the year. Ask me how much our plane tickets cost (insert rolling eye emoji). I’ve also never met any of his friends before flying to a foreign country to be with them for a few days(we started dating when he moved across the country to be closer to family). I was not mentally prepared to be with a different squad or for the all inclusive (drinks and food) resort. Hanging with a different squad is a top 10 anxiety inducer. However, my boyfriend’s friends are absolute lunatics in the best way possible, like let’s-order-roundS-of-tequila-shots-to-fuck-with-each-other lunatics.

Like I said we’re here for a wedding. The cocktail hour and reception were open bar filled with top shelf liquor. And I obliviously didn’t resist any of it. After the reception, I was feeling destructive on the walk back to the after party/cigar bar and kicked over sprinklers and knocking over the free beach towels. My karma was that my body promptly shut down upon arriving at the cigar bar/after party and I fell asleep watching shitty karaoke. The 12 hours of day drinking under the Mexican sun hit me like a brick wall.

Earlier today as I was about to tip the help, I realized I was missing $160. Yes, I was robbed by (probably) the cleaning staff which is the most stereotypical thing that can happen in Mexico. Bummed I didn’t even get to spend that money on something fun like party favors. I’m extremely puffy from the endless Miami vices and fish tacos. I’m also worried about all of the mosquito bites I got this weekend because #Zika. Plus, I’ve got another night here.

I think there’s something about weddings that make people romantic, since we landed my boyfriend has not stopped mentioning potential locations for a ceremony and wedding favors. Uhhhhh help

PS…I’ll be going back to my alma mater this upcoming weekend for football playoffs/sorority reunion. I’d appreciate all thoughts and prayers for my liver.

Honestly, you should just Venmo request your boyfriend’s best friend because he broke so many rules of throwing weddings. That’s on him and your behavior should be praised.

about a month ago i slept with this guy who was a friend of a friend and really started to like him (rookie mistake) after that he, however, ghosted me– classic. this weekend i saw him at a bar so obviously i started grinding and flirting with some random guy within 5 feet from him. i end up going home with this new guy and we hook up, wake up the next day to find out he is BEST FRIENDS with the guy who ghosted me…how did i find this out? when i was trying to leave quietly i walk out of the bedroom and into the living room where he and his other friends are just staring at me and obviously judging. so uncomfy but also….that’ll show him?

Oh no, that’s bad. Not your behavior, but that guy’s behavior. Who wants to hook up with their buddy’s fling a couple days after him? I know, I know, this is contradictory to what I said earlier. But still, I’m trying to make you guys feel better here. I’m allowed to be a little contradictory.

So not quite a post grad yet, but i will be in three weeks from today (now that’s scary). As a fifth year my weekend actually started on Tuesday, which then proceeded to be a 5 day bender. Long story short, I blacked out at local bar on Wednesday with 200 people i graduated with. Good news is I broke up a fight between my cousins new boyfriend (who i was spending thanksgiving dinner with) and my ex high school boyfriend; the next day I proceeded to introduce myself to him not knowing that I had already met him. Bad news my brother and my 4 cousins all announced to the fam they have new boyfriends/girlfriends and I am now the only single one. Happy holidays.

“Dating anyone?” PGP.

Also, congrats on the fight. Fights are tight.

new ‘club’ opened in town. started pregaming at around 5 because i do not enjoy ‘clubs’ because i’m in my late 20s. it was surprisingly fun although i don’t remember most. i remember running into to a girl i used to hook up with then browned out for a little. next thing i really recall we’re in her car because we were both ready to go, at the same time coincidentally. next memory we’re sitting in a mcdonald’s parking lot and she’s telling me about how she’s unhappy with her boyfriend that she lives with. we discuss their relationship for a little (off topic i met him a few times and he gave me some substances to help me drink longer, nice guy). we end up going back to my house and on the way there i feel the need to vomit in the half eaten bag of mcdonald’s. mcdonald’s bags don’t hold vomit well so she was not pleased. she dropped me off and we haven’t spoken a word since.

Sent from my iPhone X

If you’re putting “club” in parantheses, you kow it’s going to be a shitty situation. Just call a spade a spade here, buddy – you were trying to hook up in the McDonald’s parking lot. It’s okay, there’s no other reason you wanted to be there. Definitely not because you wanted to have a heart-to-heart. I get it, man. At least you got to eat half of the McDonald’s before throwing it up.

Long time scaries participant, first time writer.

I flew up to see the fam for Thanksgiving, nothing surprising there. Got drunk on Friday night at a classy martini bar and was convinced, with very little effort, I should text my hometown ex that I haven’t seen since before we broke up 3 years ago (it was a long distance phone breakup but I digress). Anyway it was innocent, shockingly, but I initiated a coffee date that I totally could have gotten out of the next day. The dry northern air got to my brain though and I ended up executing said coffee date. It went as smoothly as it could have went in a public place until he casually dropped a ticking time bomb of a statement claiming that I left town to run away from my problems/our relationship. That mind-fuck set in faster than the sinus infection I randomly woke up with yesterday as soon as I sat down in the airport waiting for my flight. Now I’ve been switching back and forth from dissecting that offhanded comment and letting it eat away at me to calculating impending financial doom of the wedding I’m in in a month that I’m just now planning for. Don’t worry though, my flight doesn’t land until 2:30 am so I’ve got plenty of time to think.

Somehow, the worst part of the story was that your flight lands at 2:30 a.m. That’s even more psychotic than me having to wake up at 4:30 to catch my flight home. At least I got home at a reasonable hour.

Not to get all Dillon-mailbag-ish here, but cut ties completely. Please. No more coffees with this person. It’s unhealthy.

Writing this while researching concussion symptoms to give you a preview of how things went this weekend.

One of my favorite bands played a show in my hometown Friday night, so my sisters and I met up with on of my best friends to see the concert. One of my sisters doesn’t drink, so we were worry free with a DD (my hometown is very primitive and doesn’t have Uber). I quickly learned drinking in my hometown is much cheaper than in Austin, so I began buying round after round. We all started chatting with this group of guys, and they shared their pitchers with us. After the concert, we agreed to meet them at another bar where we could dance (and by dance I mean two-step bc this is Texas). We get to the next bar and are very hammered but still have our shit together.

However, the next two hours then become a blur as the guys buy I don’t even know how many rounds of fireball. I vaguely remember forcing our DD to drive through Whataburger. It’s basically a black out until I wake up at 10:30 the next morning with no pants on at my grandma’s house. I immediately realize I have a sharp pain in my forehead and look in the mirror to see a golf ball sized knot above my eye. Turns out I both hit my head on a table at the bar and my sister’s car door. Which one caused the knot? I’ll never know. I then start looking for my phone only to find out my sister’s took it away from me because I kept calling my kinda-sorta boyfriend asking if he got home okay (he was 300 miles away asleep in my apartment). Apparently I had also locked us out of my grandma’s house, so we had to wake her up at 3:30am to let us in. I had to endure the shameful looks of my grandma for two more days while my sisters told me all the embarrassing stupid shit I said. My hangover finally subsided after my 5 hour drive home this afternoon. I arrived home to my kinda-sorta boyfriend wanting to “talk” about the 5 voicemails I left him telling him I love him and need him to get over his commitment issues. WebMD says I definitely have a concussion.

Post-holiday scaries are by far the worst.

Just blame it all on the concussion. That’s all you can do at this point. Shouts to your tight-ass grandma for being a real one and letting you in, though. I feel like my parents would’ve made me sleep on the front step to learn from my mistakes.

Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I did not. Black Wednesday rolls around and I have a couple glasses of red wine at dinner with the family, perfectly harmless. Except after that I meet up with the crew and proceed to drink a mixture of a few beers, half a bottle of whiskey, and a few fireball shots for good measure. As you can imagine, that mixture along with the red wine caused a catastrophic hangover for me Thanksgiving day. Catastrophic enough to where I couldn’t stand up for more that a couple minutes without vomiting. I legit sat down in the shower for thirty minutes. So I physically am not able to make it to Thanksgiving lunch with my dad’s side of the family (it was only a thirty minute drive away), much to the chagrin of my parents. They do not mince words or attempt to cover for me when the rest of my family is asking where I’m at. So all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins know I am too much of a degenerate to get up and come to family Thanksgiving. Three days later and my aunts (dad’s sisters) have not stopped shaming me. Even though I’ve got sautéed with the squad every Black Wednesday for the last ten years, this is the first time I’ve ever missed a family function the next day. Gotta do better next year.

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is for one thing and one thing only – getting so drunk that it acts as a governor for the rest of the week. If you don’t get hammered, you wake up and hit the ground running on Thanksgiving only to parlay it into Friday. Then you wake up on Sunday and wonder where the hell the weekend went. I’ve been there.

My last handful of weekends were Halloween, out-of-state wedding, bachelor party in Vegas in which I essentially didn’t sleep, wedding, thanksgiving break bender that ended with a massive college football day long. It’s been a Sunday Scary marathon lately.

I’m the bitmoji laying on its back with the fuel tank on E. Sleep schedule is wrecked. My scented candle has been burning from both ends. Timed up my dryer with my melatonin drops but the person before me had it on No Heat Fluff so I’m battling my own pineal gland at this point to get laundry done. Why the fuck does no heat fluff even exist on a dryer. Make it stop, Will.

This is your 20s, people. .

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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