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For the past seven-ish months, I’ve been living the good life. The days were chilly, the skies were dark, and any and all nature activities were 100% off the table. You see, it’s not so much that I hate the outdoors (even though I kind of do). It’s not the painful allergy attacks, the excruciatingly loud sound of crickets chirping, or the sheer lack of air conditioning that keep me inside.
What I hate most in the GD world, other than like, mental illness, the constraints of time, and cockroaches, is hiking.
Now, before I totally shit in the metaphorical woods (talk about irony), I just want to stress again: I don’t necessarily hate the outdoors. I hate being forced to spend time outdoors, sure. I hate doing physical activities outdoors. I hate eating and sleeping and fucking outdoors like some sort of barn animal. Actually, no. Barn animals live in barns. They have houses. So, I guess I hate eating and sleeping and fucking outdoors like an animal who isn’t even good enough to live in a barn.
Anyway, it’s not “The Outdoors” that I despise. Give me a good book and a solid chair by the pool and I’m set. Or hell, I’ll even take a blanket and a nice, tree-covered area. Or a patio! Let’s all meet up at a patio. I can play around wits a patio. I’m cool with all of these outdoor activities that involve just hanging out with the option to go inside whenever I damn well choose. Which leads me, once again, to hiking.
I think anyone of a sane mind can agree: Hiking is literally the worst fucking way to spend your time. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. Ever. EVER.
Let me break it down for you: Hiking is just walking. That’s literally all is it.
I know, I know. You’re walking in scenic areas, or doing famous trails or whatever. But like, you’re still just walking for an extended period of time. And guess what? We’ve created so much shit in our society to avoid walking miles and miles and miles and miles. There are cars, just to start us off. There are bikes and scooters and helicopters. How about Segways? I know they look nerdy as hell, but have you ever been on one? That shit is amazing. The point is, there are so many devices we, as a society, have created to avoid schlepping through the wilderness to get from point A to point B. And yet, what do you choose to do? You nature-lovers choose to ignore all of that and shame your hiking-hating friends into spending the day getting blisters, heatstroke, and a shoddy Instagram picture at best.
Because, while loving hiking is absolutely in, hating hiking seems to completely confuse people. I mean, I have very few friends who would agree that a day spent in front of the TV is better than, say, climbing up a mountain. Which it is. Television has totally evolved nowadays. Whereas hiking? The days of walking with your own two legs are o-v-e-r, my friend. But no. Instead of understanding that some people aren’t less dignified than barn animals, I have to make up excuse after excuse for friend group after friend group for why I don’t want to go walking for an extended period of time. Thank GOD I broke my ankle and can always play the “I have a million screws in my foot, sorry” card. But what about the rest of you lazy assholes? Should you have to come up with a reason each time you want to bail when the truth is: hiking just fucking sucks?
So, guys, the point of this wasn’t just to complain. That was a part of it. A big part, I’ll give you that. But underneath all of the crabby bullshit, I just want you to realize — there are people out there who think the idea of walking on dusty trails, destroying their knees on steep declines, and arriving home 10 hours later exhausted, dehydrated, and disgusting is one of the worst ways they could spend a day. Before you guilt everyone you know into exploring that 20-mile trail 4 hours away, consider asking yourself these questions:
1. Does this person seem like someone who owns hiking shoes?
2. Does this person seem like someone who would *want* to own hiking shoes?
3. Has this person given you any reason to believe that he/she would enjoy spending the day getting hot, sweaty, and/or tired without so much as an orgasm?
If you answered “no” to any of the above questions, spare them the shame of having to lie time after time about why they clicked “can’t attend” to your hiking Facebook event. It’s not you. It’s just, the fact that you think spending the little bit of free time you get walking through nature like you’re on the Oregon trail disgusts us. We’ll take dysentery over doing a hike called “The Devil’s Graveyard” any day..