======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Myths when it comes to dating aren’t anything new. We’ve got the whole “it matters who texts first” debate , that it’s bad to sleep with him on the first date, and one of my personal favorites, the “he’s not ready for a relationship” line we all throw out when a date or two fails to turn into something more. I’ve been guilty of telling myself this last one on a million occasions, but as I’ve gotten older and marginally wiser, I’ve started to see that this is kind of a cop out – not for the guy, but for us girls.
Nowhere is this particular phenomenon more apparent than everyone’s favorite guilty pleasure, The Bachelor. While watching this week’s episode (which should have been titled “Red Wedding” for the way women were methodically murderedsent home), I noticed that the second a woman thought she may be on the metaphorical chopping block, her go-to stance instantly became wondering if Nick’s looking for a “real” chance at love/marriage – the reality TV version of “he’s not ready for a relationship.” Because obviously, if he’s sending me home, he’s not serious about finding someone, right?
But let’s be realistic here for a minute. I may be naïve, but I have to believe that Nick wouldn’t subject himself to four tours on The Bachelor battleground if he wasn’t looking for something real. Now if it’s real “stardom” or a real relationship he’s seeking, we can’t be exactly sure, but for the sake of my point, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and assume the latter. Which means Corinne and Co., along with the rest of us ladies, have to ask ourselves the question: why are we always so quick to assume that it’s him, not us?
Now, by saying it’s us, I don’t mean that each of us has some glaring flaw that means we will never find love. I mean, if that’s the case, we’re all screwed – look at how close to perfect Danielle L. (and her boobs) was, and she still got sent home. Instead, I mean that we’re just not “it” for that particular guy. Instead of just accepting that fact, and perhaps even thanking him for realizing it and not dragging it out for the free sex, we feel the need to somehow make it his fault – aka, “he’s not ready for a relationship.” But deep down, we all know this is a fallacy, one we perpetuate in order to avoid admitting a very hard truth:
It’s not that he’s not ready for a relationship, it’s that he doesn’t want one with you.
The interesting part about this is that it puts most of us in a catch-22. We want to believe in soulmates – that we have one (or a few) matches out there who are the perfect compliments to us. At the same time, we want to malign the guy who realizes that we aren’t his soulmate by dismissing the very theory we so badly want to believe in and instead blame his immaturity, his lack of readiness.
Well, ladies – here’s the deal: unfortunately, we don’t get to have it both ways. We don’t get to believe in soulmates, and then trash a dude when he decides that we aren’t one of his. Instead, we have to “woman-up,” and be willing to admit that sometimes it is us, insomuch as we just aren’t the right one for him. We need to recognize that all throwing out the “he’s not ready for a relationship” line does is enable us to lie to ourselves so we feel better about the situation. So instead of placing blame, how about we just mope for a few days, and then pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and get back out there? Because while the hard truth is that he doesn’t want a relationship with you, odds are that there is some other (better) guy out there that does…someday..
Image via ABC / YouTube
Respond
Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
I literally had a guy tell me one time that he really liked me but he wanted to pray about it first. Apparently God said no.
You dodged a major bullet on that one
So I’ve started being honest with guys I date when it’s not working out. “I just think we don’t have chemistry” or “I just don’t see you that way,” I can’t decide if this method is worse or better than using a cop-out like “I’m not ready for a relationship.”
I think I would want someone to be transparent with me so that I’m not left wondering.
I’d rather a girl be honest about why she wants to end things as opposed to copping out. It shows she has the ovaries to call a spade a spade and restores faith that all girls aren’t over analytical psychos (y’all still are). I also think it helps both parties come to an actual evaluation about why you aren’t a good fit. It helps refine each others taste. As Billy likes to say “come correct or don’t come at all”.
Anyways, sup?
I’d rather hear “No” than “Maybe” 10/10 times. Knowing why things don’t work is positive. Everyone is different, but I’d rather know a reason, rather than deal with an inevitable fade-out. Then again I’ve done the slow fade before, so beggers can’t be choosers.
Found out last week that I’ve been lead on for like 8 months now. Always go with honesty from the beginning no matter what. If you’re looking for casual or serious, that’s cool. Just be upfront about it.
Same thing happened to me, with her excuse being, “I just don’t want a relationship right now”. I even called her out on it and asked her to just be straight up and tell me she didn’t want to date ME specifically. She wouldn’t do it, so I quit talking to her. Two months later she’s in a relationship. Would have been much easier to move on if she’d just been honest.
“I think I would want someone to be transparent with me so that I’m not left wondering.”
One shot to the head is worse than 50 to the chest.
not worse, better
You know those guys who keep calling because they can’t “take a hint”? Put them and yourselves out of your misery and stop dragging them along- be upfront immediately. You’re not hurting their feelings doing this. It hurts a lot more when you don’t and leave them wondering there might be hope.
This is more well-received than I anticipated. So I feel way less guilty for my honesty now, thanks guys.
I guess honesty really is the best policy.
As a guy (obligatory sup?), it’s way worse to be kept in that limbo of maybe she’ll be open to it in the future. Most of the times when guys are being uber persistent, it’s because they felt a strong connection and they’re very blunt about not wanting to give that up. If you’re blunt and just give them the “it’s not going to work,” that’s going to sting initially, but at least they can move on.
I appreciate your bluntness. I wish the last girl who curb-stomped my heart had that courtesy (we had been friends for years, she agreed to go on a date with me, and then said at the end that she “doesn’t date”). What really sucked was I was more curious if she was into me when I asked her out than being like uber into her, but her agreeing to go out got me way more emotionally invested.
So yeah, even as a dude, this article hits close to home.
Once had a girl break up with me by telling me that I was “acting too much like a boyfriend” after we’d been seeing each other for a month and gone on a bunch of real dates. Girl was a few years younger than me, and clearly not over her ex. She then got super mad when I started dating someone who I thought actually was over her ex a few weeks later (spoiler alert, she wasn’t). Anyway, point is, sometimes, they really aren’t ready for a relationship. And that’s nobody’s fault.
I see the ex didn’t pan out (shocker), Sup?
This article applies to guys too in my opinion. If she says some stuff like “she’s not ready for a relationship” she means fuck off I don’t wanna talk to you anymore. In my opinion…
Least favorite reason for breaking up: “I’m just not looking for a serious relationship.”
Mary Magdalene was known to not be into serious stuff, what did you expect?
My ex broke up with me last year and used the “I just don’t want a relationship right now” excuse, after 5 months of us being exclusive. I called him out and asked him if he didn’t want a relationship, or if he didn’t want a relationship with ME. He said he didn’t want one with me. It’s extremely hard to be told you’re not enough for someone you care about, but now that I’ve had time to get over it, I know I’m better off and I’m glad he didn’t drag it out any longer than he already had. On to the next one!
Sup?
This was excellent, exactly what I needed to hear/read right now–thanks Jenna!
This is SO true. For both men and women. You can’t be everyone’s cup of tea and that’s okay. Personalities clash, people have different preferences, it happens. And sure it sucks to be on the receiving end of a rejection but we’ve all rejected people ourselves and the majority of the time it’s nothing personal, we just aren’t into it. You can’t base your self worth off of what a few guys or girls think of you.
It’s both the best, and worst, reason you get get for a breakup: you’re just not compatible. It means that there’s nothing wrong with you or what you’re doing with dating, you just didn’t work. But it sucks to really like someone and not have them like you back just…because.