Here’s To Hopping In The Car And Taking A Sex Drive

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Once we reach the golden years of life, we are going to want to pass down our knowledge and experiences to our grandkids. Every time they ask you to tell them a story (because their parents told them they had to), you want to have something captivating to remind them that you weren’t always old, saggy, and boring.

One day, I’ll be in my futuristic nursing home that my kids put me in because I’m an asshole just waiting for my grandkid’s visit to be over so I can wet my diaper and ask the hot nurse to change me. They’ll come up and ask:

“Tell us something about the past that was interesting Grandpa.”

“What about when butt chugging was popular?”
“Yes, that’s why they put you in here Grandpa.”

Stumped, I’ll look around, looking for any inspiration to jog my memory of something long forgotten from the past that isn’t around anymore. Suddenly, the teleporter pads the kids came in on catch my eye, and I know exactly the story I want to tell.

“Did I ever tell you kids about how fun it was to take a sex drive?”
“A sex drive? We are all under the age of 12, and this sounds wildly inappropriate, but tell us Grandpa!”
“Chill out. Here you go, kids.”

Of all the ridiculous things people do to satisfy their hormones, going on a sex drive might be my favorite pastime. To semi-quote Meat Loaf, men “would do anything for love,” including hop in their car and drive multiple hours for one reason and one reason only. As we all get older and more sophisticated in how we handle our sexual affairs, the art of taking a sex drive usually gets left by the wayside.

The sex drive is a craft almost as forgotten and under-appreciated as the film of the same name. There’s something excitedly desperate about hitting the highway to go meet a female who’s said she’s willing to sleep with you. I say female, and insinuate that it’s men doing this, because let’s face it: no woman has ever sunk to this sort of desperation. But that desperation is the same thing that makes it so worthwhile.

Every one of these quests has the same end goal but a slightly different scenario setting it up. Maybe that girl you used to have a thing with hit you with that “You should come see me soon text,” fully aware that you’re in a 2015 California-sized drought and would gladly fill up your tank a few times to make it happen. Even shadier and more desperate, but completely fathomable in this day and age, you met a girl online and it’s time to find out if you’re going to consummate this online fling or if you’re being catfished.

You may be currently striking out with every female within a 40-mile radius, but there’s someone hours away that’s willing, and it’s worth firing up the GPS for and enduring a night of sleep in a strange bedroom that’s either way too hot or way too cold.

Once you commit to the drive, you’ve got to make an excuse for your attendance that weekend. You could be honest, but admittedly, it takes sucking up a bit of pride to come out and say, “Won’t be going to the bar this weekend guys, I’m instead driving four hours for what’ll likely end up being a brief bout or two of sex.” During freshman year, I told my teammates I was headed home to see family. Unbeknownst to me, I was seen buying rubbers on my way out of town, as evidenced by receiving quite a few “good luck with the sex” texts.

In some instances, you’re going to want to invite a wingman. This leads to less awkwardness if you’re stuck in situations hanging out with this female’s disapproving friends, and makes for less of a chance that the girl you met online leaves you without your kidneys in a bathtub full of ice at a Red Roof Inn.

It takes a hell of a friend to ride shotgun on the most unorthodox of road trips as you’re really rolling the dice on the experience. It’s a bold thing to ask of someone who hopefully will take that blind leap of faith into unknown territory on someone else’s turf.

Best case scenario is that your buddy gets to hop in the sack with her roommate, and you’re suddenly the greatest friend in the world. But nothing’s worse than the guy who asks his friend to accompany him, and the poor bastard has to end up with a girl named “Stinky Marge” or sitting in a living room playing Uno with some CougarLife woman’s kids while the driver does what he came to do.

Not many life experiences can equal the awkward thrill of a sex drive. You endure all the bad for one goal and one dream. You knew that one day you’d be settled down or at least doing better in your own town, but for now, you’re going to appreciate the thrill of the chase, even if that chase is a marathon.

I don’t know many things that would give me the determined motivation to drive for an extended period of time, so we can all thank the art of the sex drive for that inspiration. Many of us have a fond impulse drive that we took and can look back on and bashfully smile about. A buddy of mine was recently discussing a throwback sex drive where, long story short, he ended up hiding in a damp spider-filled Seattle shower with nothing but his socks on when his invitee’s father showed up. Sounds like a nightmare, but when asked if he’d do it again, he responded “Oh yeah. Probably would’ve taken my socks off though, almost slipped and tore my ACL like a senior citizen.” .

Image via Shutterstock

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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