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Ah, the personal day. A tradition unlike any other. In middle school, I sat in class believing I had come up with a solution for a level in Zelda, so I went home with a stomachache. In high school, we didn’t have any snow days one year so my only other option was to get creative once a month. College? Well, you can just skip because it’s your loss since you actually have to pay for it. And once I reached the workforce, extending a two-day weekend into a three-day weekend wasn’t a luxury; it was a necessity.
But coming up with the right excuse is a delicate balance. It’s like telling your boss you’re getting a haircut so you can leave early only to come in looking shaggy the next day. Shit doesn’t add up and you end up boning yourself. When you’re trying to come up with a sick excuse, you have to dig deep and figure out what makes sense. Luckily, someone actually wasted their time coming up with the scientifitcally-proven best sick excuses.
AXA PPP Healthcare talked to 1,000 “business leaders” (whatever that means) and the following were the top ten excuses that they were most likely to believe from an employer’s perspective.
1. Flu
2. Back pain
3. Injury by accident
4. Stress
5. Elective surgery
6. Depression
7. Anxiety
8. Common cold
9. Migraine
10. None of the above
If you’re really trying to sell it, one out of every four bosses is likely to believe the flu while only one out of five believe cold, anxiety, and migraines. I’ve gone on record stating that I don’t think migraines exist and people just use them as excuses to get out of things, but I’m no doctor so that’s still up for debate.
Just remember, if you take a couple days off with the flu, make sure to eat less so you lose weight. People will think you puked, but in reality, you just skipped dinner for a couple nights. And stay off social media too. But that’s day one stuff that I shouldn’t have to explain to you. .
[via Esquire]
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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If you combine any 3 of these on webMD, it’s a terminal illness
“Boss, I typed my symptoms into webmd and it said I have ‘Network connectivity problems’. I don’t think I’ll be going to work today”
Maybe the best one-liner in Parks and Rec. The fact that Chris Pratt improvised makes it even more impressive.
How did food poisoning not make this list? It’s probably the only sickness I would ever use (even if actually sick) on a Monday or Friday. Food poisoning doesn’t discriminate, and absolutely no one wants to call your bluff on that.
Speaking of Monday/Friday sicknesses, how absurd is it that it’s assumed that people calling out on these days are hungover or just trying to have a long weekend. 2/7’s of the week and 2/5’s of the workweek is a no-go for sickness?
I always go with the bad sushi excuse. Works like a charm in the landlocked state of Arizona
The only times I’ve ever missed work for illness was food poisoning. And most of them have even been legitimate.
Stomach issues have to be the go-to. No one wants to challenge you on that.
As a girl with an older male boss, “upset stomach” is a fool-proof excuse. Zero questions asked, left me alone for days after I returned to work. Really I just didn’t feel like going to work and I watched Friday Night Lights all day.
I learned about courage of my convictions from the Coach and Tami; applied that about a month ago when I called in with the same “ailment”.
I can’t imagine calling in stressed on anxious would go over well.
Being in sales my boss is pretty good about the stressed/anxiety call in. Said he’d rather us take a day or two to refocus rather than go into a full blown slump.
“10. None of the above”
This was really just a list of 9 excuses and the author has something against odd numbers.
I think if you call in depressed, that would imply that you need more than a day off/may not be able to function next week. That one seems like a bit of a stretch. Given the Ferris Bueller picture, maybe the implication is bereavement (Sloan’s grandmother comes to mind), but that seems like a pretty horrific excuse to just take a day off. Probably stick to back pain if you are that desperate.
Was in a HR meeting once with my entire department so HR could explain the new healthcare options. Asked us what we thought was the number one prescription in our company of over 500 people and someone pipes up with “Zoloft.” We all laughed, HR rep did not.
Ask a stupid/unprofessional question, get a funny/unprofessional response.
I have noticed that girls always seem to suffer from migraines a few hours before first dates. I guess they just couldn’t contain their enthusiasm?
John Redcorn knows about migraines
Super underrated right here. But I might be biased since I’m on a bit of a King of the Hill binge lately.
Migraine for when I want to sleep in then work from home.
hell yeah