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One of the biggest drawbacks of the adult world is dealing with job security. Sometimes you just never know when you’re going to have to fire up that resume. One day you’re spreading viral videos like wildfire, the next you’re browsing Monster.com. This fate has now fallen on “Hot Take” Tomi Lahren.
From The Daily Beast:
Conservative firebrand Tomi Lahren has reportedly been “banned permanently” from The Blaze, where she hosted a popular but controversial TV show. Lahren was previously suspended after she declared she was pro-choice, despite suggesting numerous times on her show that she is pro-life.
Welcome to temporary unemployment Tomi. While most of the smart money is bet on Fox News throwing a blank check at her and her following, I’ve taken it upon myself to give her a few other options that her rage-induced skill set may fit into.
Instagram Model
Even those who are less than pleased with literally everything about Tomi can admit that the girl can take a quality Instagram photo if you just don’t read the caption. Might as well put that to good use and sling some Fit-Tea.
“THIS FIT-TEA IS THE HEALTHIEST THING YOU CAN PUT IN YOUR BODY AND GIVES ME ENERGY TO CRUSH THE LIBERAL AGENDA AND IF YOU DON’T AGREE YOU’RE FAKE NEWS!”
Receptionist For Planned Parenthood
I mean, she is apparently pro-choice.
Grief & Sensitivity Counselor
No one could churn out patients as quickly as Tomi.
“YOU’RE A FUCKING SNOWFLAKE! NEXT!”
Sign Spinner
One of the issues with those streetside sign spinners is that it’s a catch-22 in terms of effectiveness. If they’re just holding the sign you can read it but it doesn’t really catch you’re eye. If they’re spinning that thing like they’re an extra on a Jackie Chan movie, you have no idea what they’re promoting. Tomi would change that.
She could just sit there holding it and use her angry set of pipes to pierce the noise barrier caused by being in your vehicle and whatever you’re listening to on the radio. Cars would be veering towards new housing developments or a new buffet restaurant if they had Tomi screaming at them to do it.
“GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE CAR AND COME SUPPORT THE AMERICAN WORKER OR YOU’RE A SOCIALIST!”
Beyonce Back-Up Dancer
Perhaps Tomi will go the other way on this one, and this time away from work will set her on a quest of wokeness, leading her straight to the Beyhive and strutting her stuff dancing background to “Lemonade” next year at Coachella.
Co-Host On Touching Base
Sometimes it’s easy to forget that Tomi isn’t actually a thousand-year-old fire-breathing creature from another planet; she’s just a 24 year-old post grad just like the rest of us. What a better way to put out that vibe than bring her hot takes to the premiere post-grad lifestyle podcast.
On brunch:
“THE ONLY BRUNCH ITEM YOU SHOULD EAT IS A PLAIN BAGEL MADE WITH AMERICAN WHEAT, COVERED IN CREAM CHEESE MADE FROM AMERICAN COWS, WITH TWO STRIPS OF BACON THAT CAME FROM AN AMERICAN PIG SHOT BEHIND THE FARMHOUSE OF AN AMERICAN FARM WITH AN AMERICAN PISTOL! And a mimosa because they’re like, delicious.”
On dealing with your boss:
“BE SO ANGRY AND POPULAR THAT HE GETS JEALOUS AND FIRES YOU.”
On dating:
“ANY MAN WHO DOESN’T KILL HIS OWN FOOD AND ISN’T ON ‘TRUMP SINGLES’ IS A WORTHLESS SNOWFLAKE.”
On “This Weekend In Fun”:
“STARE AT A WALL AND SCREAM”
Welcome to unemployment, Tomi. Something tells me you’ll do okay. .
[via The Daily Beast]
Respond
Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
Telling your friends and family you were “banned permanently”, not fired. PGPM.
How was porn not on this list?
I was gonna Nice Work this but it already had exactly 69 so I can’t
Tomi Lahren is an absolute waste of space. That being said, would.
Man, that would definitely be the be-all end-all of hate fucks.
So a nicely formed waste of space?
I’m in love with her crazy:hot ratio
“Yeah man, I know I know. Breaking into my car to slash my seats and spray painting ‘bitch’ onto my ex’s garage door is insane but last night she _____ (insert crazy sex move none of us can even imagine) so I’m taking her to dinner this Friday”
“She’s strong willed, and I like that.”
“She beats you!”
How about my wife? Also an opening there.
I’ll save you the minimal time and effort you were gonna put in. No.
Taking you off the wedding guest list. Tough luck, it’s gonna be a great time.
Making a career complaining about unemployed millennial only to suddenly become an unemployed millennial #PGP
millennials* damn it
She could replace Duda here at Grandex. Terrible hot takes and doesn’t know what a condom is
I like some of what Tomi says, but I think it’s ridiculous for her to be fired and “banned” just because she has her own opinions on things. If people didn’t already think the Blaze was one-sided, they will now. Also, would.
1. Sitting on my face
Holy shit, Trump Singles is a thing?