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It started with a ladle. Someone left it at my house and I can see why. I was spooning myself some soup out of a pot and the damn thing buckled and spilled soup all over my pants and bottom of my shirt. As someone who regularly spills things, I was trying to remember what I did to anger the slob gods this time when I realized there are some things in life that you can’t be cheap with.
With all this talk about things you don’t want your girlfriend or boyfriend to get you for Christmas, I’ve been thinking about purchases. There are some things in life you can skimp on and it won’t really make a difference: some cereals, paper towels, dishwasher soaps, anything at Costco, you get the idea. You’re an adult now, live a little and buy the real stuff because you’re a working American taxpayer.
Condoms
Story time.
In college, you know when your RA hands out non name-brand condoms? Very rarely are they useful other than to make water balloons. Even then, they’d break way before a Trojan would. Anyway, my naïve self thought, “Well, I’m out, and (my then girlfriend) wanted to bang.” I tried one of those off-brand ones and thought, “Wow, these are great!” Turns out that’s because it completely shredded and all I had was the rubber base at the bottom, like when your water balloon breaks on the hose. Thankfully, this was around my birthday (broke college student) and my aunt bought gave me a $50 Visa gift card that I promptly used for Plan B (before I knew student health offered them for $10). I still haven’t told her, but if you’re reading this, thanks Aunt Trish!
Kitchenware
Seriously, don’t be cheap about this stuff. Buying knockoff or dollar store kitchen appliances and utensils are a colossal waste of money. There are many affordable options and buying the cheap shit can cause a variety of problems from spilled soup to broken handles that spill scalding water on your feet (happened to my friend in college). Spend a few extra dollars and do it right because if you don’t, you’ll end up replacing it multiple times anyway. Investing in a panini press was one of the best investments I have ever made in my life.
Sauces
I usually make my own sauces. Homemade barbeque sauce is a treasure and it shows you mean business. People respect someone with a solid sauce game. There are some sauces, like ketchup, that should never be anything but Heinz. Hunt’s just doesn’t cut it, and forget about the store brand that thinks its ketchup is the shit just because it writes “fancy” on the label.
Toilet Paper
I grew up in a household that used single-ply. It was all I knew. After going to college, I realized the majesty of double or even triple-ply toilet paper. No more wiping your ass with ultra-fine grit sandpaper and having to wad it so your fingers don’t poke through. I haven’t been able to completely dodge it due to my job’s one-foot-in-diameter, industrial-sized roll of paper, but knowing I can shit with peace of mind at home is a game changer.
Luggage and Travel Gear
I had to buy junky luggage from Wally World in a pinch due to being unprepared (got drunk the night before) and it was a complete disaster. The handle ripped, the zippers came off track and it looked exactly like what you’d expect from America’s finest peddler of sweatshop goods. Do yourself a favor and invest in some quality travel gear.
Bed
Growing up, I slept on a twin spring mattress. Like the toilet paper, it was all I knew. My first big purchase after getting a job was a bed because I was tired of sleeping on an uncomfortable mattress. Those memory foam pads that you get to make your dorm bed better didn’t do it for me, so I went big and got one of those astronaut-approved ones. After this, nothing else feels the same. I did one of those 0% APR things so it was like $35 a month for two years and now it’s all paid off and I didn’t even miss the money coming out of my paycheck. Pro tip: shop for mattresses around the end of the month so the desperate sales guy will give you a deal in order to hit his quota.
Living on a budget is tough. It’s like being a slightly more (sometimes less) college student, but now you’re on your own. Invest in quality things and you will be paid back tenfold because life is too short to eat budget ketchup..
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Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
@BLMInvestment
In my opinion, especially in a work environment, men should never buy cheap shoes, because you really do get what you pay for. I blew through 2 pair of Cole Haans in a summer (yes, Cole Haan is cheap quality now) and have since switched strictly to Allen Edmonds. The initial price tag can be scary, but you’ll thank yourself in 10 years when you’re still wearing the same pair of shoes. $380 up front sure beats $150 every 2 years.
Never be cheap on items that separate you from the ground (shoes, bed, tires, etc). The extra money is worth it, even on our small post grad budgets.
Great advice and I fully agree. I like my Clarks a lot they were ~$100 but I love them. I had tires in my original draft but my editor (Mrs. Madoff) vetoed me.
CLARKS. I don’t have enough fashion sense to invest in a more expensive shoe, but Clarks I’ve found are quality, look nice, and are super comfortable. I don’t feel bad dropping $120 on a pair, and you can usually get last year’s line for even cheaper.
Tires would have been a good one, but now it’s part of the record anyways. Stop buying shitty tires people.
And if you live in a snowy climate and don’t drive an SUV, for crissakes buy some snow tires. Guaranteed cheaper than an accident, and much less likely to make everyone else hate you than when you slither along at 3mph in a snowstorm.
And if you do drive an SUV, while 4WD/AWD helps you get going, it doesn’t help you stop. Still need snow tires or really good ATs.
Shoes were the first thing I thought of. AE is great. Wait for the sales and get them $100 off.
I’ll throw in a plug for their outlet as well – shoebank.com. If you know your size, you can get AEs for even cheaper. They have small cosmetic defects apparently, which makes them no good for full price sale, but I’ve never been able to find any.
I used to only buy Heinz until Whataburger started selling their fancy and spicy ketchup at HEB. Now I won’t by any condiment that doesn’t have the orange and white “W” on the label.
This resonated strongly with me. We moved from a bigger house to a smaller one, so we’re going through and purging all the cheap crap and slowly replacing it with nice stuff. Do you need 10 pots and pans? Or just 3-4 nice ones? Do I need 30 Kohls dress shirts, or just 10 from Brooks Brothers in my small closet? Etc.
Great article Bernie. Some people might try and call you a snob for buying nicer things, but they really do pay for themselves. Plus, when you entertain, it’s nice to have plates and and glasses for people. Nothing worse to going to somebody’s place and all they have is the paper thin plates. Just imagine, those people use paper plates for their own self 24/7. I’m not trying to be a jerk, but come on!
Thanks for the kind words and I totally agree. Having nicer shit is part of the song and dance that is getting older.
Apparently so is having A nicer shit.
Couldn’t agree with you more. I would also add towels, hand towels and washcloths to this. Nothing worse than a nice shower and a scratchy motel-8 towel to dry off with.
Thanks for the tip on mattress shopping. I’ve had the same queen since junior year of college and I think it’s time. The real question is do I go for the sleep number or one of those tempurpedic jobs.
Tempurpedic all the way. May take a day or two to get used to it but everything else is shit tier.
A sleep number bed is literally an air bed. Want to know how it becomes firmer or softer? Air in or air out. Never realized this until my aunt popped hers. Tempurpedic is 100% the way to go.
-the guy who slipped 2 discs in college and had to learn a lot about mattresses.
Tempurpedic is life changing. If you sleep 6 hours a night for ten years (beds have a warranty for 20) that’s 21,900 hours. Less then a quarter an hour you will use the bed. I used that logic and pulled the trigger.
Filson anything. It might cost you out the ass but everything they make is super high quality and will last you forever (and they have a lifetime warranty.) Their luggage is super rugged and patinas really well, my brother took his Filson dopp kit to Afghanistan with him and it came back looking better then when he deployed.
If nothing else talks to their quality and timelessness, I regularly rock the wool cruiser jacket that my dad bought in 1968.
Do yourself a favor and stop buying those plasticy cocktail maraschino cherries. Grow up and buy some Luxardos. It’ll change your whole life.
Also, one of the best investments I’ve ever made is my all clad pans and my wusthof knives. Cheap knives are dangerous.
‘Buy once, cry once.’ When I learned this I never went back to buying cheap shit. Fuck anyone who says otherwise.
Purchasing a Tumi carry on was incredibly painful in the moment (even on sale), but the peace of mind knowing that the bag will still be in one piece when getting off the plane (and if not, it has a full warranty) — worth it.