Gwyneth Paltrow Hosted The Most Pretentious Event Ever And, Yes, I’m Now In Love With Her

Gwyneth Paltrow Hosted The Most Pretentious Event Ever And, Yes, I'm Now In Love With Her

I’m in love with Gwyneth Paltrow. There. I said it. I’m in love. With Gwyneth Paltrow.

I want to scream it from the mountaintops. “I’m in love with Gwyneth Paltrow!”

I want her to be my sugar mama. Or maybe my “natural sweetener mama” because I doubt that Gwyneth (we’re on a first-name basis now, not a huge deal) has had an ounce of sugar or artificial sweetener in the better part of a decade. I want to be by her side on spa retreats where we get cucumber masks. I want us to have cute little matching monogrammed robes. I even want to be step-dad to Apple and Moses.

I want us to have a meet-cute at Tartine in San Francisco before heading up the coast to enjoy fresh oyster as I ride as the passenger in the vintage MG convertible that I bought for her with her money.

But first, I have a bone to pick. And that bone is that I wasn’t invited to her wellness summit in Culver City, California called “In Goop Health.” I didn’t see so much as a letter-pressed invitation at my doorstep or an e-vite from the Goop marketing team. It’s moments like these that hurt the most, yet it hurts even more when I heard how perfectly insufferable this event actually was.

Per Man Repeller:

Highlights included probiotic smoothies served between each activity; a “dome” for aura photos; an IV drip bar; a by CHLOE ice cream cart; an oxygen bar featuring a mix of lavender, lemon, grapefruit and eucalyptus oxygen flavors; a Moon Juice bar; a “Zen zone,” where guests could listen to a pre-recorded guided meditation on an iPad; and a dream-analysis station.

I would’ve paid thousands, if not tens of thousands, to go to this event. The kicker, though? Tickets were only $500, $1000, or $1,500. That’s a steal in her world, especially considering all of the eucalyptus and lavender oxygen I would’ve been taking down between probiotic smoothies. I don’t even know what my aura looks like, so obviously, I’m willing to pay top dollar for a photo of it. Toss in an eye cream sample station and I would’ve reached nirvana.

More lavish than the amenities were the guests in attendance: Cameron Diaz, Tory Burch, Nicole Richie, Miranda Kerr. Ugh, so high profile that I’m debating gagging myself with a silver spoon as punishment for missing it.

I even made the mistake of searching the hashtag #ingoophealth on Instagram which only made things more tortuous. Matcha coconut push pops? Strawberry and cream “bliss balls”? Infused lemon-strawberry waters with pinches of Himalayan sea salt? Why, Gwyneth? Why? I know love takes time, but my time is running out.

I’ll be here for you, Gwyneth. Waiting patiently and clearing my schedule for brunch this Saturday. I’ll bring those table settings that I know you like.

[via Man Repeller]

Image via Instagram

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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