======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Every week here on Peej, we’ll be presenting and commenting on the updated standings of everyone here at Grandex who plays enough ping pong to qualify for the Grandex Office Ping Pong Power Rankings system. The algorithm used is secret to everyone but commissioner Joe Nullet, and the rankings are only updated on Monday mornings. The secrecy involved affords us BCS-era drama, but in 2018. Glory, outrage, and everything in between await.
Here are this week’s updated rankings:
Assorted Comments
1. We’ve switched over to a new ranking system at Commissioner Joe Nullet’s behest. When asked the reason behind the switch, Joe responded, “Because the old one had me in last place.” That is a real quote.
2. Shouts to Hayden, who caught his first dub earlier today against Dan.
3. Sad shouts to Will, the former #1, who is 1-3 this week and has been “getting his shit kicked in” lately.
4. Prim Daddy has game; expect him to be in the #1 spot at some point.
5. Shouts to Dillon and Madison, who this new algorithm apparently loves.
Two-Sentence Interview Of The Week
Jared: “Why do you love ping pong?”
Ad: “I love ping pong because it provides a quick burst of rigorous cardio (my only cardio of the week) when I’m supposed to be doing my actual job.”
This Week’s Featured Image Addition
Will came up with the idea for me to add something onto this column’s featured image every week. When I asked for an example, he suggested Wilson from the movie Castaway. His reasoning: “I don’t know why.” So that’s what I did. Comment with your suggestion for next week’s addition.
Main Feature
As I was too humble to say last week, I am now the #1 player in the office. And it feels great! But it didn’t come without controversy.
In addition to Ross’ dad calling me out for PEDs, some folks both online and in the office (all of whom are ranked lower than me, I might add) have been pointing out that my number of games played, 23, is a tiiiny bit higher than the standings average of 14.55555555555555555555555555555555555555. I’m here to address these concerns by saying I got a little carried away.
You see, I love ping pong with all my heart as it’s one of only 4 (non-bar) sports I’m above average/good at (tennis, Spikeball, and sand volleyball are the other three). When we moved into the new office and pong became a daily activity once again, I seized this newfound daily opportunity to boost my self-esteem because who doesn’t want to feel competent at something for a few fleeting paddle swings per work day?
It snowballed from there. I didn’t just want the confidence high I got from playing table tennis; I needed it. I couldn’t stay away. I once blew (on the Super Nintendo “NBA JAM” cartridge for) Dave in the middle of the office just to get him to agree to play me. It didn’t help that my position as a top 3 player in the office led to numerous challenges per day. I felt I couldn’t turn any of these challengers down — seeing as I’m not a coward — which is one of the main things that got me to this point. While my work output never suffered on account of my daily rendezvous, my reputation as a grindboy did. And I have only myself to blame.
This one’s on me, guys. I understand that my addiction may have caused me to go a little overboard, and I’m taking measures to address it. All this is to say I will now be limiting my daily games played during business hours to two.
I know what you’re thinking: “But what about everyone challenging you, J-Bone? Won’t this cause a massive backup of people looking to dethrone the king?”
One step ahead of you. Thanks to Will’s great idea, I’ve gone ahead and created the “Jared Ping Pong Schedule” spreadsheet, where those who wish to challenge me must take a number and get in line. It’s the only way. Feel free to bookmark that link and check back in on how Grandex’s top-ranked ping pong player’s games are going (until I inevitably have a relapse and get put on leave).
See you next week..
Check out the week 1 write-up here
Respond
Jared Borislow
Jared Borislow (@JaredBorislow) is a Senior Editor for Grandex Inc and the supreme leader of the Bone Zone.
@jaredborislow
@jaredborislow
I beat Jared and lost to Hayden. No one else has that kind of range
These scores aren’t statistically significant because there are no Asian or Indian names in these findings lol
They defo need more color around the office. What happened to Arron Sanchez? Think that was his name.
All I got from this is that you “once blew Dave in the middle of the office”
Looks like the Bone Zone is coming to Grandex Labs soon!
Best Christmas of my life is the year we got a ping pong table. Then my parents separated two weeks later. Looking back on it they may have been trying to district us from reality.
The scoring system is making my head spin
Yea how the hell is 1-4 better than 2-3? Something’s fishy with this ‘algorithm’
How is a 12-1 LSU better than a 13-0 Oklahoma State?
In what sport? Oklahoma State has never gone 13-0 in football.
Strength of schedule matters.
These were the exact thoughts everyone had when college football used the BCS system
Next week’s featured image should be Forrest Gump playing ping pong
Nice throwback shout to the BCS.
#teamdorn
I find it comforting that they still refer to Dillon as Dorn. Really takes me back to the early days of TFM and my asinine excitement at making “Fifth Year.” #nostalgia
Man, anyone else remember when Joe Nullet was SFPL? #Memberberries #IAamOld
SFPL and his goddamn lists reeeeeeeeeee I’m triggered
I still write company emails in list form for what it’s worth.
I admire the consistency.
Rumor has it if you speak SFPL’s name three times he writes a list column.
#TeamBacon #BringBackFratRomanceNovel
My money is on Will focusing on bettering his record and not his ranking so he can remain solidly average but with high self esteem.
I truly have zero game. I’ve lost two matches today by double digits. I celebrated being #1 all week last week and now I have a championship hangover.
No worries, apparently everyone but my family grew up playing ping-pong and I was getting shredded by 50 and 60 year olds at a family friend’s retirement party.