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“Yeah, could we get a pitcher of Coors and Bloody Marys all around?” Eric asked their waitress, who leaned in close to hear his faltering voice over the din of the bar. He and the guys were perched at a four top at their favorite bar for alleviating their hangovers, and today, they were doing just that.
Eric turned back to the group and saw three pairs of dead eyes and one pair of sunglasses looking back at him. “Goddamn it,” he thought. “I’m going to have to rally the troops.”
“What are y’all staring around like depressed zombies for? It’s Saturday, the lord’s day, and we have nothing to do today but drink. Get your game faces on. And Kyle, take your sunglasses off. We know how hungover you are, you big baby. Maybe tonight, don’t drop a C-note on shots with a girl that’s wearing a wedding ring. That’s what we call a poor ROI.”
Smiles cracked the sullen faces around him as Kyle dutifully removed his sunglasses, revealing bloodshot eyes and dark bags. He spoke with a throat that sounded caked with sand.
“Whatever, man. At least I didn’t spend the postgame one-eying my phone and drunk texting my ex. Have you checked your texts today?”
Giggles made their way through the group as Eric’s misfortune finally brought some enjoyment back to their lives. They watched as his face rapidly cycled through a variety of emotions, including confusion, anger, shame, and finally, acceptance.
“I…was not aware of that fact. Which ex? Ahh, fuck.” Eric’s voice trailed off as he opened his messaging app and started reading.
Rachel [2:38am]: LOL at you snap story. Did Kyle end up taking tha married girl home?
Eric [2:42am]: Hahah nah spent like 200 on her tho lik an idiot. What you up tonigh? So bored you’re drunk texting your ex?
Rachel [2:45am]: Lolll shut up I miss yalking to you. I’m home from the bars. Preeetty fuxked up lol. A dbag kept buying me drinks thinking I’d go home with him HAH.
Eric [2:48am]: What happened to your little boyfriend? He cool with uou texting me?
Rachel [2:49am]: Please he was barely a bf. We stopped talking a bit ago. Look at you mr jealousss hahaa
Eric [2:51am]: Lol like I could be jealous of that guy. I get you booty texting me cos you struck out wit the guy at bar…I’m not just a piece of meat you know. Wow.
Rachel [2:54am]: Ugh i hate you. Noooo I just was saying hi. I don’t booty text guys.
Eric [2:59am]: So you’re not coming over tonight? *smirk emoji*
Rachel [3:08am]: mmmmm no. But we should hang out soon. Maybe drinks tomorrow? *winky emoji*
Eric placed his phone face down on the table and slowly chugged half of his beer that had arrived while he was reading. Jack took one look at his face and laughed.
“Let me guess, you’re going to meet up with her tonight. Ole haven’t-gotten-laid in-three-weeks-ass bitch.”
Eric grinned sheepishly as he looked at his friends. Did he want to meet up with Rachel? On one hand, he felt like he had just gotten over her. On the other, it also felt like the breakup was so far in the past it was laughable to think he could still have feelings for her. On the third- well not hand, but appendage, it had been three weeks.
Would meeting up with her be a backslide into his feelings, or just an easy and comfortable way to get laid? Is that what she was looking for, or did she want something more? Sure, she drunk texted him after last call, but she also told him she missed him and didn’t want to come over that night. Was “getting drinks” code for “talking about getting back together,” or “having long over-due breakup sex?” Which one did he want it to mean?
As the thoughts swirled through his head he realized he hadn’t yet responded.
“I don’t know, actually. I mean, obviously I want to get laid, but I’m definitely not trying to get back with her. She didn’t want to come over last night and asked if we could get drinks today. Was she just drunk and horny, or is she trying to like, start talking or whatever again? Because I’m not feeling that.”
Andrew finished sucking his Bloody Mary down with a flourish and answered thoughtfully.
“In all honesty, she was probably just drunk and horny. What did you say last night when she asked about getting drinks?”
Consulting his texts, Eric confirmed that he had never responded, to which Jack laughed and offered his hand up in a high-five.
“Love that move. The second you confirmed she wasn’t coming over, you stopped responding? Amazing. I’m proud of you, kid.”
Eric gleefully accepted Jack’s high five, despite knowing that the real reason he hadn’t responded because he had passed out on the couch. Still, it did send a strong message. A message that would be ruined if he ended up meeting up with her. He was going to show her that he had moved on, and-
Eric glanced at his phone, which vibrated on the table top, and read the text displayed on the screen.
Rachel [1:38pm]: Sooo you still down to get drinks? I need something to help with this hangover 🙂
He furtively glanced around the table, making sure no one was watching him. Luckily, the group was distracted by a heated debate about whether NBA or NFL players get laid more, which allowed him to type out a quick reply.
Eric [1:39pm]: Haha, I feel you. I’m already a couple beers in. Let’s meet at C.B Hannigan’s in an hour?
Eric hit send, and waved their waitress down to close out as he addressed the table.
“Hey boys, I gotta take off. I have an errand I forgot about. I’ll hit you all up later.”
His friends turned to him and as he signed his bill and got up.
“Suuuuure you do, cupcake. Say hi to Rachel for us.” .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
Next edition:
Getting Back In The Game: Getting Back In My Ex.
Followed by:
Getting Out Of The Game: I Need A New Identity
It takes a very strong willed individual to not follow this course of action
Sadly I am not such a strong willed individual.
Allow me to assist with that.
Sup?
Happens to the best of us
I thought I was reading my unwritten memoir for a second.
Look, not to be too crude here, but ass is ass. Still a dummy though.
Eric’s about to walk into an all you can eat buffet.
I don’t think women, and most men, even understand the power of “good ass” (sorry ladies). I’ve seen good men, myself included, go back to the most insane/terrible women just to get some good nookie.
Wishing there was some “good ass” in my past that I could go back to. PGP
“Just when I thought I was out…they pull me back in.”
-Michael Corleone
You have a real gift for writing cringe-worthy texts.
Eric, Eric, Eric….sigh.
Let’s be honest with ourselves. All texts are cringe-worthy when someone else reads them.
Agreed that booty call text made me cringe.
Gotta treat meeting up with an ex like a vampires. Only make moves under the cover of night. Daylight hours tend to cause your life to go up in flames.
Everyone has that one ex that gives you a half-chub when she texts you. The other girls… well not so much
This poor man is walking straight to the gallows without even realizing it. Sex is NOT on the Saturday brunch menu this day
Friends don’t let friends text their ex when drunk.
Father always told me, “if you’re gonna be dumb you gotta be tough”.
Eric is softer than i originally thought.
Not for long
Getting Back in the Game: Whiskey Dick