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The following is a group chat between Eric and his friends.
Eric [9:29am]: Hey so quick hypothetical since I know at least one of you fuckers have gotten an STD…how much burning is “too much burning” when you pee?
Eric [9:46am]: Don’t play coy with me you motherfuckers, I just got back from the doctor and I’m freaking out.
Jack [9:51am]: Hahahahahahaha. I’m screenshotting this and tweeting it out, you dirty fucker. Jk. And to answer your question, any burning that doesn’t go away after you drink a bunch of water. What did the doctor say?
Kyle [9:53am]: Don’t you need to actually get laid to have an STD? Your dick probably hurts because it’s closing back over and reclaiming your virginity.
Eric [9:54am]: Kyle that’s not…that’s not how anything works. And the doctor just said it “could be consistent with STD symptoms” and made me pee in a cup. They’re supposed to let me know the results by the end of the day. FUCK.
Jack [10:03am]: Dude, relax. As much as it pains me to admit this, you’ve only banged relatively classy girls this summer. Worst case scenario, it’s probably the clap. One quick pill and it’s gone. I had it twice in college and it never affected my life.
Andrew [10:12am]: I’m actually surprised you only had it twice given both the quantity and quality of “ladies” you bedded in college. Was one of them from Alyssa? One of them had to have been from Alyssa, you dirty dog.
Eric [10:15am]: Oh for real it’s only one pill? That’s not as bad as I thought. Do they have to put something up your pee hole? If they do, do they offer full anesthesia options? I’ll pay out of pocket. I don’t care.
Jack [10:23am]: First of all, Andrew, shut the fuck up. At least I was enjoying my college years and not missing out on all the fun with a girlfriend. Secondly, how would I know who I got it from? The doctor doesn’t tell you like “oh this is an Alyssa strain, we see this quite often.”
*Kyle, Eric, and Andrew laughed at “First of all Andrew, shut the fuck up. At least I was…”*
Kyle [10:32am]: Well when you told the girls you had the clap, which one of them looked the most guilty?
Jack [10:49am]: Why the fuck would I tell any girls I had the clap? The last thing I wanted was every sorority saying I had a dirty dick. I would never have gotten laid again and ended up like Eric.
Eric [11:35am]: Dude, what the fuck? You have to tell every girl you’ve been with in the past couple months. Why do you think I’m freaking out?
Jack [11:40am]: What? It’s not like it’s AIDS or something. No way do you have to tell girls if it’s a curable one. It’s just a little burning and then they go to the doctor. Hell, it’s not like whoever gave it to me told me about it.
Andrew [11:44am]: Nah dude, that’s fucked up. You definitely should have told them. And whoever gave it to you should have told you. It can have bad effects if it goes untreated.
*Eric and Kyle liked “Nah dude, that’s fucked up. You definitely should have told them…”*
Jack [11:48am]: Well shit.
Jack [12:31pm]: So aside from me apparently being a dirtbag… Eric does that mean you’re going to have to tell Kelsey? And that Bumble chick you banged earlier this summer? How far back do you have to go? Do you have to tell Rachel? Hahaha oh man are you going to have to tell your ex that you caught an STD? Please screenshot that conversation for us.
Eric [12:40pm]: Fuck, I hope not. I thought I was winning the breakup since she hit me with that “I miss you” snap. This would definitely forfeit my win.
Andrew [12:57pm]: Idk, y’all broke up months ago, that seems like a stretch. And if you had it at that point, it’s because she cheated and gave it to you, right? Fuck her.
Eric [1:41pm]: Yeah, tbh I think the only person that would really bug me to tell is Kelsey. I don’t give a shit what my ex and a couple random girls think of me, but she’s definitely going to assume I got dirty in Tahoe. I mean it’s not like we’re exclusive but it’s still not a good look if we’re moving in that direction, right?
Kyle [2:11pm]: Dude, how do you know she wasn’t the one that gave it to you. Maybe she conveniently “didn’t remember” your drunk FaceTime because she’s hooking up with other dudes? Have you been going bareback?
Eric [2:21pm]: Fuuuuck. Thanks, assholes. I actually feel worse than I did at the start of this conversation. And I dunno, we use condoms most times. You know how it is.
Eric [2:22pm]: Should I ask her if she’s hooking up with other guys before I even bring up whatever I have? I want to know how bad I should feel going in, right?
Jack [2:37pm]: Dude, fuck that. If she tells you she’s been banging other dudes, don’t even tell her. Just dip out on her.
Eric [4:18pm]: THE DOCTOR JUST CALLED. Ya boy is STD free, motherfuckers! I just need to drink some fucking water every once in a while apparently. Who knew? Fuck all y’all, I knew I was clean. Let’s celebrate at O’ Flaherty’s after work.
Andrew [4:34pm]: I’m down as long as Jack gets his own pitcher. I’m not sharing anything with that dirty fucker. He’s probably on an antibiotic cycle as we speak..
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
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I remember a fraternity guy in college that was ecstatic leaving the student health center and was holding his STD free report above his head showing anyone that would give him the time after he had apparently banged a stripper in Tijuana. Least to say, many of the sorority girls were not impressed but it was still quite the site to see.
Had a fraternity brother in college get the clap three times in a month. Twice from the same girl. It was more of a round of applause by the time I graduated.
Water is delicious. Who doesn’t drink water?
Water? I never touch the stuff. Fish fuck in it.
Are you hourly?
Poor Reginald
Waaaaater sucks, it really really sucks. Gatorade’s better.
Water is tight.
I drain a 30oz Yeti (Manoutfitters.com, promo code Sock) like 3-4x a day at work. People probably wonder why I take a piss every 45 min.
I use a red solo cup. Cheaper and at least you can pretend you’re having #lunchbeers
Real talk definitely tell past people if you end up having something. Yeah it will suck but your pride isn’t worth permanent damage to someone else (i.e. infertility, serious infections, etc.) that could be prevented with treatment.
Yeah, also, there can be legal ramifications if you don’t disclose.
We need a crossover story between Getting Back in the Game, Chronicles of Todd and Postgrad Single Dad.
How long until this website gets fanfic? Someone out there will weave these stories together in some way some day
I mean, Andrew makes a very compelling case for being PSD. Had a girlfriend through college, appears single now.
There’s absolutely no way this group chat would have some 30-60 min breaks in it.
I feel like this exact conversation happens in a guys friend group text at least once per year
I want to reach through the computer screen and strangle Jack for not telling his partners. Something like 90% of women infected have no symptoms until it’s far too late and they end up with severe complications and possible infertility.
Jack Fucks
There needs to be an entire in Sex Ed on the clap. In fact just put this group text in a power point, it will be enough to scare people on social stigma alone.
I was having a good day until I tried to think of who the Jack in my friend group is. Turns out I’m the closest thing to Jack we have…
Congrats on the sex with loose women