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Start the series here.
Eric sat at his desk with his headphones on and his brow furrowed as he put on his best “I’m super concentrated on work” face. Of course, he was anything but. It was a Tuesday afternoon; the worst day of the week, and he was mindlessly scrolling Twitter while he reflected on his life. His hangover symptoms from the weekend had subsided, but had been replaced with a melancholy attitude about the week, recent events, and his life in general. Basically, he had a case of the Tuesday blues.
As it always did when he was feeling introspective, his mind drifted back to the breakup. It had been a couple months, which have felt both like an eternity and the blink of an eye. He bounced back and forth between frustration that he still thought about his ex after so long, and acceptance that it would take a lot longer to completely get over a three-year relationship.
He cocked his head to the side and raised his eyebrows as he mentally patted himself on the back for not having contacted her in the last month, at least. There had been a couple rough mornings where he had simply deleted his texts rather than read what he had drunkenly sent the night before, but in recent weeks he felt like he was doing better.
Plus, he thought, I’m sure I won the “who got laid first” portion of the breakup. Rachel’s never been the type to sleep around, and if I’m still struggling, there’s no doubt she’s nowhere near getting over me. His face cracked into a wry smile as he recalled his night with Carly.
Man, that girl was a freak, he said to himself. It’s too bad she ended up being so weird and ghosting me. “Not looking for anything more right now?” Like, what the fuck is that? I mean, sure, I double texted her, but it wasn’t super clingy or anything. And if she didn’t want anything serious, why would she stop talking to me when I asked her to come over? It’s not like I suck in bed. I mean, I don’t think I do? Was my ex always lying about me being the best? Do girls like different shit now than they did three years ago? No, no. Eric stared at himself in his computer screen, which had gone black with lack of use. Can’t think that way, big man. Gotta gas yourself up. There’s no room for mental weakness in the dating game.
Exhausted by that emotional journey, Eric turned to his computer to distract him, to entertain him, to get him through the last few hours of another bleak Tuesday. Just gotta fire up the old Instagram and see what all my friends are up to, he thought as he scrolled.
Damn, that dumbass got engaged? I still remember him setting himself on fire with a flaming shot our junior year. Good luck to his wife.
No way, another 23-year-old girl got a puppy for her 400-square-foot studio apartment?! I’m sure she won’t end up giving that dog to her parents to take care of when she realizes it’s hindering her ability to get day drunk.
Wait. What the- Rachel posted a picture from a music festival with her arm wrapped around a guy? Who the fuck is this douchebag?
Eric swallowed hard to calm his racing heart as he read the caption. “Soaking up the good vibes with this guy!” This guy? Who the fuck is this guy? He felt himself break out in a cold sweat as his reality shifted abruptly. Rachel wasn’t holed up at home, crying daily about their breakup. She wasn’t going out with her friends to distract herself and rejecting guys on the dance floor because she just wanted to enjoy her freedom. She was over him. Over him and on to someone else.
Eric’s vision swam as he felt his stomach knot up. Of course, he knew this would happen eventually. He didn’t harbor any fantasies that they would get back together, or that she would never get over him. But so soon? And more importantly, before him? He couldn’t tell if he was heartbroken all over again or just angry at his perceived loss. Who the fuck was this guy that had replaced him so soon?
He suppressed his feelings as he dove into his keyboard, determined to figure out exactly what was going on. He tapped the picture, and to his satisfaction, found that the mystery guy was tagged. Aaaand I’m in, he thought as he went to the profile. Shit, a private profile? Who does this guy think he is? Like anyone gives a shit about you and your 300 followers, “Jason.” What a shitty name that is. Ok, back to square one. Let’s check Rachel’s tagged pictures and see what we got. Oh, look what we have here. Another picture with fucking Jason.
This one was from the guy’s account and showed the two of them sitting on a towel at the beach. The caption read, “Had a beachin’ time with this little lady.” Eric hated himself for thinking the caption was pretty good but had more important things to figure out. He immediately zoomed in on the guy’s shirtless torso in a shameless act of competition.
Fuck me, Eric thought. This guy has a legit six-pack? At least he’s definitely shorter than me. I gotta figure out more before I know if she upgraded or downgraded. Time to turn to the real detective’s tool, he thought as he switched to Facebook. Let’s see, I’ll just go to Rachel’s page and search her friends for a Jason. Boom. Got it. Jason Fletcher. What a nerd name. He looks like a tool, too. I’m definitely better looking than this guy. He’s like three years older than me too, no surprise there. But most importantly, what does he do?
Eric opened up a new tab and typed in LinkedIn.com, his fingers racing his pulse as pulled up Jason Fletcher’s profile. “HAH!” He quickly looked around, realizing that his bitter laugh had been a lot louder than he anticipated. “Sorry,” he mumbled to his coworker that had turned his head to the source of the noise. He tried to keep his thoughts silent as he returned his attention to his computer.
This guy’s a sales assistant? At his age? C’mon, Rachel, you can do better than that.
He couldn’t tell if he was glad at the information he found. He thought a win would make him feel better, but it didn’t. He just felt confused and upset, like he’d been cheated on, although he knew that was far from the case. Even worse, he realized that Jason was going to get a notification that he looked at his profile. Fucking LinkedIn, he thought. Such a snitch. This dude was going to know that he had stalked him, and he couldn’t let this asshole have that satisfaction. Only one thing to do; get ahead of the story.
His fingers shook slightly as he typed out a text to his ex. It was his first in almost a month, but he didn’t care. “Wow. Just saw your Instagram. So did you start dating this guy before we broke up or did you just hit the loser jackpot right after we ended things?” .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
Everyone knows to incognito when stalking via Linkedin, or at the very least log out
Tremendous username, classic episode
Absolute fire text to the ex… looks like a complete psychopath but doesn’t care. That’s what we call shooting your shot in 2018. I’m guessing this leads to him getting drunk alone and eating like 9 tacos from the Bell.
He would’ve had a better chance of getting her back if he maintained no contact (he’s already been seen as clingy, this text did not help)
Damn near almost all exes or flings, whether it be man or woman, come back at least once when they’ve had time to miss the other person and realize what they let go, so long as the breakup wasn’t thermo nuclear bad (we tend to only remember the good things about a person over time). All Eric had to do was be chill and wait for things with Jason to fizzle and she’d more than likely reach out- instead he fucked himself over with that LinkedIn search and psycho text.
If she breaks up once, it’ll happen again. Not worth it.
I’m glad Carly ghosted this tool. Bet he sucked in bed.
Savage
This is making me cringe. C’mon, Eric!
“She was over him. Over him and on to someone else.” More like under someone else. Also, Eric really sucks
Carly should have just Old Yeller’d him behind the apartment building after the sex to save the women of the world and himself some embarrassment
Eric. Brooooo. Nooooo.
Some of the emotions felt in this situation are so relatable, but good lord his reactions to them are awful.
Man these are rough. I have to take several breaks to make it through. I hope that message he fired off ends in public shame on social media and a good ass beating
Are you and Will trying to compete to who can create the most disliked person? Will has had more time to create the hate, but you are off to a flying start with Eric.