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Hi there! Boy, it has been a crazy last few years hasn’t it? I mean, our country is more divided than ever, bitter partisanship is at an all-time high. Racism, sexism, xenophobia, transphobia, nationalism, intolerance of free speech, they’ve all skyrocketed recently. Our great country is in turmoil right now, but tomorrow all of us Americans have an opportunity to change that. So I, like all your favorite celebrities, social media influencers, and friends sharing questionably accurate news stories on Facebook, am here to encourage you, all of you reading this, to get out there and vote! You know, unless you’re not going to vote the way I would want you to vote.
But of course you’re going to vote the same way as me, right? I mean, you follow me, you admire my work, and think I’m somewhat smart. That means that you have basically the same worldview as me right? The fact that we can laugh at the same jokes, look after each other, talk together, means that there is no way you could see an aspect of my political viewpoint as questionable. I know our life experiences aren’t exactly the same, but that shouldn’t matter because any reasonable person would know that other party is full of insane people and liars. And I know that my good friends, the people who admire and follow me, wouldn’t be insane liars.
I mean, yes it’s true that there are over 500 elections taking place at the federal level, and I couldn’t possibly know the details about every one of the candidates for my party, but I’m sure they’re all great. I mean, they’re going to support (or oppose) our President’s vision and make our country great. Isn’t that enough to make you overlook whatever differences in policy there are between yourself and my candidate? I mean, all of that stuff is secondary to the only goal of this election: to take back power (or keep power) from the other party.
Maybe you have a specific political issue that’s important to you, but my party doesn’t track particularly well on, like environmentalism, LGBTQ rights, protection of American jobs, gun control, gun rights, free speech rights, free religion rights, regulation of Wall Street, legalization of marijuana, healthcare costs, healthcare availability, foreign relations with China, North Korea, Iran, Britain, France, or Trinidad & Tobago? Well, how dare you be a one-issue voter? Can’t you see the bigger picture beyond the one issue that likely impacts you on a deep, personal level and see that the other party is destroying our country? You can’t possibly vote for them!
Because, of course, your vote counts. I know I’m appealing to a broad audience here, but I assume since our readers are of a somewhat homogenous demographic, you’ll all have the same political views, and agree with me just the same as you would agree with all the actors who entertain you, singers who delight you, and hot people that you like to stalk. I mean, even though the average margin of victory in the last midterms was over 20 points and 95% of incumbent candidates got re-elected, I’m sure that you and all your friends getting out there to vote this time will do the trick to completely change the political landscape! You know, as long as the vote hasn’t already been hacked.
But that’s all the more reason why you have to get out there and vote! We need everyone to get out there and make their voice heard to finally bring the change that every politician in every election promises, yet never seems to materialize. That’s okay though, because once my party gets power and introduces their vision, this country can finally become the utopia we’ve been promising you.
Because, of course, my party’s views are 100 percent correct, and we have never done anything questionable. Like start several major wars based on phony intel, then double down. Or deregulate banking standards so that lower-income people could refinance their mortgages to buy homes they really couldn’t afford. Or deregulate Wall Street to allow those terrible mortgages to be re-sold as investable assets that would tank the economy. Or sell guns to cartels. Or perform massive, warrantless surveillance on all Americans (crazy that no one talks about how that’s definitely still happening). Or spend tax dollars to bail out certain corporations and industries that provided us some political backing. Or perform drone strikes that accidentally kill innocent civilians. Or vilify people as racist because they don’t believe it’s our obligation to take in refugees from foreign countries at will. Or decide the solution to that problem is to literally lock children in cages as some form of deterrence. Or endorse candidates accused of racism, anti-semitism, fraud, domestic assault, sexual assault, child molestation, or any other crime. No, that’s only ever happened with candidates in the other party.
And, no, you can’t vote for a third-party candidate. I mean, that’s just throwing your vote away. In a plurality-based voting system like the one we have now, where there is no minimum threshold and whoever just gets the most votes wins, how can you be so selfish as to justify voting for a third-party? I mean, remember The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror where the two aliens were revealed to be the Presidential candidates, and no one dared to vote third-party, even knowing that it didn’t matter which one was elected, they both planned to enslave the Earth? Well, 20 years later and it’s the same damn thing. I mean, look at 2016! If there was ever a “Kang vs. Kodos” choice that was it, and most of America was happy to choose one of those two freakazoids instead of getting together and collectively deciding to vote for one of the other 250 million eligible people who wouldn’t be a disaster.
Bottom line: if you vote third party, that’s as bad as voting for the other guy, because it’s somehow your fault for not swallowing whatever moral issue you had with voting for our candidate, not my party’s fault for picking a decent human for a candidate. Voting third-party is like not even voting at all, which as we’ve already discussed is the worst thing to do! Not voting shows that you’re just a lazy, entitled millennial, not someone who doesn’t feel comfortable voting for one of the two realistic choices because they fear that person will act in their own, selfish interests rather than act for the benefit of the country.
Yes, our democracy would probably be in a better spot if our government had more diverse voices, and if every politician wasn’t beholden to one of the two massive political machines. Yes, it would be nice to have people in Congress who don’t stand to gain anything from preserving either party’s ability to collect and re-allocate money to candidates solely to preserve their majority. We can’t do that, because we already have a two-party system and any politician who dares think it should be changed will likely be primaried and/or destroyed by their own party. After all, the name of the game in American politics isn’t about public service, it’s about winning.
I know that sucks to hear. I know deep down we Americans just want a government that works for us and not their own selfish agendas. Representatives that aren’t getting massive corporate contributions or funding from Super PACs that are run by the heads of the national party. A system where representatives vote on issues to do what they truly believe is best for our country going forward, and not what will get them re-elected and keep those sweet donors happy.
Well, we at [insert name of party here] have been working tirelessly to make that vision a reality! No, not by doing any common-sense things like instituting term limits, really fighting to get the corporate influence out of politics, making the Supreme court truly an impartial arbiter, eliminating gerrymandering, stripping the President of his illegitimate powers via the Executive Order, actually reforming our elections to allow for more diverse party participation, or following other countries’ lead in how they deal with health care, education, or the environment. No, we’re going to keep up our constant bickering with the other major party, failing to negotiate common-sense agreements in favor of scoring political points, and generally ignoring the American people, who mostly are able to find common ground on even the most divisive issues. Unless they’re multi-millionaire donors, in which case we are very interested in their opinions.
But, in all sincerity, I hope that you vote for the person who you think will be the most upstanding, honorable person that will represent the values that you think will make this country the best it can be. Vote for ideas and candidates, not the letter next to a guy’s name. If you don’t think anyone you can vote for is worth voting for, don’t. Leave the space blank, or better yet write in “D. None of the Above.” Maybe if we stop choosing between eating dog shit and rotten meat, the two parties will serve up slightly more appetizing options. Going to vote shows you care; going and only voting for candidates with integrity shows you won’t candidates lacking integrity.
So I hope tomorrow you all exercise your right–nay your duty–as an American to get out there and vote! Unless you’re going to vote the opposite of how I would want you to. In that case, it’s best to just stay home. .