======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
I’ve had just about every horrible job under the sun. I spent one summer in high school cleaning out college apartment complexes and literally found human feces inside of an oven. I detailed cars at a Lexus dealership for a few months in college and then quit because I was ready to hang myself from the rafters of the garage.
And while those were nightmare situations for yours truly, they aren’t exactly common gigs, and the ones I’m about to begin talking about have been worked by just about everyone reading this. Here, in no particular order, are the four most thankless, soul-sucking jobs in the universe and the reason why we all ended up going to college, only to find ourselves where we are at now, rotting away in cubicles for the next forty plus years and laughing about how our jobs of yore weren’t really all that bad after all.
I can’t speak too intelligently on the work life of a person in the service industry because I have never worked in a bar or restaurant, but I had friends who did it who never had very many positive things to say about it. If you have done the restaurant thing, you were most likely either a barback or a waiter because the bartending positions were almost always reserved for veterans who had worked there for years.
Post-college, you could probably find a job bartending in the city you just moved to, but no matter what position you had, it always seemed to me like the pay was never good enough for the shit you had to put up with.
Every single day there are always a couple of assholes who don’t tip enough or send back their food four times or are just downright rude, and that is why you’re constantly seeing tweets and memes joking about how bad it is. You do your job correctly and you might get a nice tip but probably not. You do it wrong and you’re more than likely going to get an earful from some dickwad who had a bad day in the cubes.
Spreading mulch, pulling weeds, tending to overgrown bushes, and of course, mowing the lawn – this was standard stuff for the landscaper. I did this for two summers in college working with borderline criminals and other hungover college students and while I did get a pretty savage tan, there was absolutely nothing fun about going out on a Thursday or Friday night and then having to be at a work site by 6:30 a.m. The clientele skews towards upper middle class, meaning that you better spread that mulch and trim those hedges perfectly or else you’re going to get yelled at not once but twice – once by the homeowner and then again by your boss.
The plus side of this is that most landscaping businesses pay their employees under the table and if your foreman is cool he’ll usually let you drink beers during the last job of the day. Semi-unrelated but landscaping also made me something of an amateur meteorologist and to this day I’m pretty good at recognizing when rain or something worse is coming – if there was any sign of lightning I would know about it because we’d automatically get the rest of the day off if there was inclement weather. A so-so job but something I would never do again.
Reserved exclusively for hot girls in college. It could be Bumble or Tinder, where you’re standing around outside of classrooms and handing out lighters and gift certificates, but in my day it was almost always for a new flavor of Captain Morgan that was trying to break its way onto college campuses.
The product was always, always disgusting, and these girls would walk around bars and hand out free “swag” and more importantly complimentary shots to anyone who wanted them. I can’t even imagine the amount of catcalling these girls had to put up with, and I’m sure the pay wasn’t great either, but hey it’s college, right? Extra beer money is always, always needed.
Anyone remember Cutco knives? This was a job reserved exclusively for high school kids with a promise of base pay plus massive commissions when you were able to actually sell knives.
I had a few friends do this for a month or two during the summer between junior and senior year of high school and I’m not entirely sure how it worked but none of them ever made any money. Once in a while, you’d hear about a kid in the town over getting a sale from a family friend or something but I just never understood why anyone would do this. Naivete, I suppose?
Or I guess if your parents were the type to make you get a job and you literally had no other options this was your best bet. A door to door knife salesman might be the hardest job in the world, though. Who the hell wants to buy knives from a 16-year-old kid that is more than likely stoned out of his gourd? No one, that’s who. I guess on the bright side it wasn’t like you were working for Herbalife, though. .
Image via YouTube