Florida Woman Named “Crystal Metheney” Shoots Missile Into Moving Vehicle

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If there’s anything more quintessentially Florida than this story, I’ll eat my Mickey Mouse Ears hat.

A woman in Polk County, Florida, which is located just southwest of Orlando, to put this into perspective, was arrested in May for FIRING A MISSILE INTO AN OCCUPIED VEHICLE. Firing a missile into a vehicle. Florida even has a law for that, Statute 790.19:

“Shooting into or throwing deadly missiles into dwellings, public or private buildings, occupied or not occupied; vessels, aircraft, buses, railroad cars, streetcars, or other vehicles.”

That’s not even the best part of the story, or even the most Floridian part.

This is: The woman’s name is Crystal Metheney. Crystal…Metheney.

I can’t make this shit up. A woman named CRYSTAL METHENEY, whose name sounds like the kind of girl that Jesse Pinkman would be dating, shot a MISSILE into an occupied car. A Missile. Like fucking Mario Kart.

I’m done, really. No more Florida. I’ll just go to Disneyland instead.

Honestly, is it too late to give Florida back to Spain?

[Orlando Sentinel]

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