Five People That Had A Worse Weekend Than You: SPAM & Potato Diaphragms

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I hope you all had a fantastic Memorial Day weekend! In what seems to be the least American thing ever, I spent the weekend north of the border. But there were fireworks and gambling, so what’s more patriotic than that?

While I was exploring ice wineries and casinos, there were plenty of people who didn’t have as great of a long weekend and I – and hopefully you – did.

SPAM Lovers

When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time at my grandmother’s house. One of the things she and I used to eat for dinner was SPAM and I’m not ashamed to admit that I enjoyed it. Of course, I haven’t had it in years – you know, since I started to actually think about what was in my food, which, given the newest food recall, seems like a pretty good idea.

On Saturday, US Department of Agriculture’s Food Safety Inspection Service announced a recall of Hormel Spam and other canned meat products after customers reported finding pieces of metal in their food. According to the department,

Throughout the US, 12-ounce metal cans labeled “SPAM Classic” with the designation “EST. 199N” should not be eaten because of a risk of minor oral injuries, FSIS said. The cans have a “Best By” date of February 2021 and carry the following production codes: F020881, F020882, F020883, F020884, F020885, F020886, F020887, F020888 and F020889.

You also probably shouldn’t eat “meat” that would still be good three years from now, but that’s just my own opinion. [via CNN]

Solo: A Star Wars Story

The force may not be strong with this one. According to estimates, Solo: A Star Wars Story had a rough weekend at the box office, ending the long weekend with $103 million. That may not seem so bad, but let’s put it in perspective: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story opened to $155 million.

Adding insult to injury are Solo’s overseas numbers. The film was expected to make $300 million globally this weekend; instead it bombed overseas, only making $65 million, bringing the worldwide take to around $168 million, about $132 million short of projections. Given that the Ron Howard-directed movie cost $250 million to produce, the folks at Lucasfilm and Disney have some soul-searching to do. Disney distribution chief Dave Hollis said,

We are all over it, and will spend a lot of time digging into why things happened the way they did. We have a year and a half before Episode IX comes out. We’ve had so much success. The previous three Star Wars films did $4 billion worth of of business at the box office, so it doesn’t feel like saturation is necessarily an issue, but we are still answering all of the questions.

Sounds like they have a few million reasons to get those questions answered asap. [via Hollywood Reporter]

This Guy

The title of this article in the New York Post really says it all: My Instagram model ex gave me herpes: suit.

An unnamed man is suing Instagram socialite Caren Brooks after their fling last year resulted in him getting herpes and genital warts. The man claims that Brooks is the only person who could have given him the STDs and that she tried to persuade him that doctors were lying when they said he had contracted them. The lawsuit contains text messages from Brooks to the man trying to convince him he wasn’t ill, such as:

doctors in Nyc are hugely untrustworthy … They want the money and to get you out of the office fast. They’re the worst.

It isn’t Herpes That’s my opinion,” she texted. “Maybe amoxicillin would help if it’s just a skin infection.

The suit also states that Brooks brushed off the man’s STD sores as evidence of too much masturbating, and pushed him to have unprotected sex with her, according to the New York Post.

You know what? I’m just going to leave it there. [via New York Post]

“Mrs. Potato Crotch”

I did not dub the 22-year-old Colombian woman this, but it seems pretty fitting.

The young woman approached her mother regarding contraception and apparently dear old Mom shared an age-old pregnancy protection technique – shoving a potato up your woo-ha as a de-facto diaphragm.

Oddly enough, the strategy worked and the woman did not become pregnant with a child. But she did get implanted…with tater tots. The woman, for reasons unbeknownst to anyone, left the potato all up in there, and wound up in the hospital two weeks later with abdominal pain. According to someecards, “By the time she got to the hospital, nurses could see roots escaping from her vagina, and not members of The Tonight Show’s band, either. The potato, though buried, had come back to life.”

On the upside, tater and its roots were to be removed with out surgery. Gives a whole new meaning to carb-loading, doesn’t it? [via SomeECards]

Celtics Fans

I TOLD YOU I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

Image via Toronto-Images.Com / Shutterstock.com

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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