Five People That Had A Worse Weekend Than You: Fictional Cities

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It’s the weekend before Christmas,
And all through the mall,
Creatures were scurrying,
Trying not to bawl.

But not me, your procrastinating suckers! Thanks to my forethought Amazon Prime, I’m all ready for the holidays, and therefore spent the weekend relaxing after finishing grad school for the quarter. I attended a friend’s holiday party, baked for the holiday and watched an entire day of football in my pajamas. Life is good, my friends. At the very least, it’s better for me than these people.

Jason Day

Day, the golfer who is known for collapsing and almost passing out from vertigo at this year’s U.S. Open, was at the Cleveland Cavaliers game on Thursday night with his wife Ellie.

Mrs. Day spent the night in the hospital and is expected to be fine. King James even sent along his well wishes:

Driving Instructors Everywhere Except The Netherlands

I remember taking driving lessons when I was 16; my driving instructor was a middle-aged miserable bastard. I mean, wouldn’t you be? Having to drive around with snotty teenagers day in and day out for what I can only imagine is minimum wage? Unless you live in The Netherlands, that is.

A recently passed law, accurately being called “a ride for a ride,” allows those taking driving lessons to pay their instructors with sex, as long as the student is over 18.

Interestingly, prostitution is legal in The Netherlands, but lawmakers are up in arms about this law anyway – mainly for tax purposes. The county’s socially conservative Christian Union party is upset because the students “would not have an escort license, and would not be declaring the sexual services for tax purposes.”

Netherlands Transport minister Melanie Schultz van Haegen and Justice minister Ard van der Steur responded, saying, ‘It’s not about offering sexual activities for remuneration, but offering a driving lesson. It is important that the initiative lies with the driving instructor, and focuses on offering a driving lesson, with the payment provided in sexual acts.”

Frankly, I don’t really see the difference. I just hope the Dutch driving instructions are way hotter than mine. [Via The Daily Mail]

Mark Dantonio

Imagine this: you coach a college football team to a 12-1 season and a spot in the four-team College Football Playoff. You’re probably feeling pretty good about yourself, right? Like you’ve arrived, and people are finally going to recognize your coaching talent and give you some respect?

That’s probably how Mark Dantonio has been feeling lately, after accomplishing exactly that as head coach at Michigan State. And then this happened:

Look closely and you’ll see that this Sports Illustrated cover says “How Mike Dantonio rebuilt the Spartans.” Mike, not Mark. Whoops.

As you can imagine, Michigan State fans immediately went off at article author Michael Rosenberg, who quickly responded, “As you might imagine, I don’t write or see covers before printing … the story has it correct.” SI also quickly issued a correction and an apology, saying “On one of the covers of Sports Illustrated’s special newsstand-only College Football Playoff Preview issue — there are regional editions for each of the four teams — Michigan State coach Mark Dantonio was misidentified. The Spartans-themed issues are being reprinted and will be available on newsstands shortly. Sports Illustrated apologizes to Mark Dantonio, Michigan State and its fans for the error.”

Apparently, this is something Dantonio is probably used to by now; according to the Detroit Free Press, throughout the season “when he wasn’t being pelted with questions about Michigan’s Jim Harbaugh, he also was being called “Mike” by interviewers or even “Mike D’Antoni.””

Well, “Mike,” at least there’s this: I don’t see the Wolverines in the playoffs. [Via Detroit Free Press]

Derrick Williams

Here’s another scenario for you to imagine: you leave the club with two ladies and take them back to your place. Pretty good night, you’d think. Until those ladies decide to rob you, which is what happened to Knicks’ forward Derrick Williams this weekend.

Williams was at a club with his crew celebrating the Knicks’ Friday night win over the 76ers when he met the lovely ladies, who headed back with Williams’ place with him and his peeps. The partying continued, but at some point, the women (who allegedly gave Williams fake names) rifled through a Louis Vuitton jewelry case and made off with about $750,000 in jewelry.

Williams said “I don’t want to talk about it” after the Knicks’ game at MSG on Saturday, but police suspect he may not be the only victim. The NY Post said that “Police are probing whether the Williams’ theft is part of a pattern of robberies committed by young women who prey upon wealthy, bling-flashing men at clubs and hotel bars.”

If that’s the case, they found a good target in Williams, who likes to flash his bling on Insta:

It’s like my nana always said, “Showing off will get you in trouble some day.” Of course, I was five and showing off my abilities at playing “Go Fish,” but the point still applies. [Via New York Post]

People Of The City Of Agrabah

It’s no secret that tensions are high when it comes to fighting terrorism these days. In fact, in a recent poll of GOP primary voters conducted by Public Policy Polling, 30% of those polled said that they were in favor of bombing the city to Agrabah. 13% said that they were opposed, and 57% said they weren’t sure.

So the people are Agrabah are totally fucked, right? We are totally going to bomb the shit out of them! Yeah!

Oh, wait. What’s that? The town of Agrabah doesn’t exist? It’s actually the fictional town from the movie Aladdin?

Ok then, let me revise who had a bad weekend. Me. Because I live in a country where 30% of a group of people who are registered to vote in the upcoming Presidential election are prepared to bomb a town from a Disney movie simply because it sounds slightly Middle-Eastern..

[Via Cosmopolitan]

Image via YouTube

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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