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I’ve had many jobs in my life. Customer service, cashier, researcher, event construction, referee, and for one brief August where I hated my life, a sign waver for a fabric store. Although each of these jobs required vastly different skills, I would estimate that I used on average between 23% and 28% of my mental faculties while I worked them. To be clear, I’m no child prodigy who graduated MIT at 19. I maintained a gentleman’s C throughout my entire five years at a state school, after which I was happy to learn that no one gave a shit about my GPA. Thinking back on all these jobs I’ve had, I realized that a “fake it ’til you make it” attitude, a willingness to work, and personal skills are really all you need to have to get by on many jobs, even after graduation. To prove this point, I have compiled a list of jobs that I think I could be dropped into tomorrow, and with no training, be adequate at. I wouldn’t get any promotions, but I’m confident I wouldn’t get outright fired.
5. Wedding Planner
Not the easiest, but doable. A good wedding is 50% theme, 30% entertainment, and 20% food. Once you pick one of the ten acceptable themes out there (black tie, country chic, nautical, vintage, winter, etc.), all you have to do is Google a bunch of décor options and make sure the bride is down with one of them. I’m fucking awesome at Googling, and I would always keep nice champagne stocked in my office to put the bride in a pleasant frame of mind. I would sample a shit-ton of different catering dishes in the name of research, and just drop terms like “locally harvested,” and “natural essence” every once in a while to seem like I know what I’m talking about. My biggest problem would be entertainment. I’ve had the aux cord taken from me at multiple parties, so I would have to ask some of my more musically knowledgeable friends to help me with this. I would call them consultants, and they would get a finder’s fee for any band they book (there will be no DJs at a wedding I plan). Then I just give the groom a firm handshake and get him the cheapest open bar I can find. Piece of four-tiered cake.
Odds of getting fired: 30% depending on how cool the bride is.
4. First Grade Teacher
What are kids learning in the first grade? Addition? The alphabet? Yeah, I think I can handle that. My last name looks great on a chalkboard, and a semester as pledge educator has proven I can project my voice enough to get attention. However, anyone that has been around little kids knows the actual teaching isn’t the hardest part of this job. Seven-year-old kids are adorable gremlins, hell bent on destruction, and the hardest part of this job would be to keep my cool and not go Full Metal Jacket on the lot of them. Anyone who is a grade school teacher must have the heart of Mother Theresa and the patience of a saint. I have neither. However, with copious amounts of Xanax, I’m sure I could pull this off for at least a semester without getting found out.
Odds of getting fired: 20% (60% if I run out of Xanax).
3. Personal Trainer
Now we’re getting down to the jobs I feel really confident about. I like to consider myself an “athletic build,” and I would say I know how to work 95% of the machines at the gym. All this job really takes is a great personality (which I could fake), and occasionally name-dropping obscure workouts. Sample dialogue I would use to bullshit my way through this includes “There you go/dig deep/one more rep,” “Engage your core/widen your hips/push from your base,” and “next we’ll be doing skull crushers/lateral raises/bicycles” Other than that, it’s all about looking good in a dri-fit polo (check), and telling your clients that you can “totally see the results!” Yeah, I feel like I’m dying when I try to run a mile, and my abs haven’t been visible since high school, but they don’t need to know that.
Odds of getting fired: 10%, only because a client sees a picture of me drunk eating an entire large pizza and I lose all credibility. Word of mouth is everything in this business.
2. Night Security Guard
I’m not talking about one of those combat boots, gun carrying, ex-military security guards for a bank. I’m talking about the barely passed their GED, gut spilling out over their inexplicably tightened utility belt, mace-holstered security guard. You could give me the uniform and drop me into the security booth of any building, and I would do fine. Granted, in the event of an actual emergency, I would be useless and would probably push civilians out of the way as I run screaming for the exit, but what are chances that happens? No one’s rolling up with AR-15s to terrorize a building full of insurance offices. Realistically, the hardest part of this job would be if they make me tazer myself to “know what it feels like,” and I’ve already drunkenly done that to myself, so I’m prepared.
Odds of getting fired: 4%, the same as the odds of an actual emergency occurring on my watch.
1. Hand Model
I cannot believe this is a real job. I have hands. They have five fingers each, and no gross moles or scars. They look like every pair of hands you’ve ever seen on someone who doesn’t work as a coal miner and occasionally uses lotion. I already have all the necessary tools and skills I would need to excel at this job attached to the end of my arms. If someone out there has connections in this industry, you must email me. I want nothing more in this world than to get paid to stand there and hold things. Not only would I not get fired, I would be on a fast track to promotion because I also have feet, a “dual threat,” as I hope they call it in the biz.
Odds of getting fired: 0%. If I got fired from this job, I would never be able to live with myself. .
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