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I can remember a very short period of time during my youth when I loved getting car magazines. I’m sure it had something to do with the models in bikinis that often stood next to the cars I was looking at, but there was still a nominal interest in the cars themselves.
It was right after the first Fast and the Furious movie got released and street racing was getting a lot of attention. That obsession with cars lasted a few months before I snapped out of it and realized that I was never going to be the guy who was super into cars. Being a “car guy” just doesn’t make sense for a person like me. I don’t make enough money to be interested in high-end cars, and I don’t know the first thing about engines or anything else related to the inner workings of the automobile.
I know that I should get my oil changed every six months or so and I know how to change a flat – that’s it.
But sometimes I dream about an alternate universe – one where I’m a guy rocking Valentino suits, calling people via car phone, and reveling in the abundance that was the 1990s. The stock market was up, ISIS didn’t exist, and the Internet hadn’t yet rotted all of our brains. What a time.
The 90s are back in a big way, and I feel like having a little fun this morning. Let us just pretend, if only for a few moments while reading this blog, that you’ve just clawed your way to the top of the totem pole at IBM, Boeing, or some other massive corporation. You need a luxury car that says, “I’ve got a huge dick and I close deals on the reg.” I’m positive that I’ll get some blowback for leaving off a few cars but this is the list I’m sticking with. And let’s just get it out of the way now – I hate Porsches. I’m sorry, but I won’t include one.
A big part of any executives life is their sports car – you’ve got to look the part. Here’s a couple of cars that I think you would, at the very least, consider driving, if you were some hotshot that just the promotion of a lifetime.
1991 Saab 900 SE Cabriolet
Saab is a brand that I look at and immediately think “Oh yeah, that’s 90s as fuck.” In a life where you’re driving this little yellow number, you are most definitely a newly minted executive who is sort of into cars but not enough so that you’re shelling out a shit load of money for one. This Saab, at least from my perspective, feels like a car that is in that happy medium between a low-end Chevy and a very, very expensive Beamer.
Image via YouTube
1993 Land Rover Range Rover LSE Vogue
Not technically a car, but I’m putting it in here because the Range Rover is just a fucking vibe. It’s so goddamn classy. Before Dennis Reynolds was driving his Range, British aristocrats and faux outdoorsmen alike were driving these suckers.
They’re boxy, they’re gas guzzling, and the maintenance (from what I’ve heard) is unbelievably pricey. What more could you want in a luxury vehicle? You’re a newly minted deal closing executive now. You can run your fellow board members puny Porsche’s and Saabs right over in this boy, and from your elevated driver’s seat, you’ll be able to look down at the peons in their Chevys and their Fords at stop lights and smile to yourself, saying one phrase over and over while a Genesis cassette tape plays softly through your speaker system – “I’m the fucking man.”
Image via YouTube
1990 Mercedes-Benz 300SL
When I look at this car, I think Miami, cocaine, and hues of pink and blue. But I also think that this is the quintessential sports car. When I think about 90s action movies, this is the car that at least one of the characters drives during a high-speed chase.
I imagine when this car was designed, the people drawing it up thought that this was what cars in the future would look like. There’s something about this car that doesn’t sit right with me. Perhaps it’s that it just sort of looks like a car you’d consume or deal drugs in. Maybe it’s the hideous red color. I’d still go with the Saab over this thing.
Image via YouTube
1997 Volvo S90
Okay, so this one might be a head-scratcher when you first look at but hear me out. Who among wouldn’t want a sensible, extremely safe sedan mixed in with all of the bells and whistles that other foreign car companies offer? The Volvo has long been known as the safest brand out there, and, since we’re talking about a car in the mid-90s, it has the boxy ass feel that we all associate with the time period. This thing is understated elegance. You want to subtly flex on the rest of the board members? This is how you do it.
Image via YouTube
1995 Mazda Miata
No car list is complete without the Mazda Miata. I’m pandering to a crowd that adores this fucking car, but that’s no matter. It belongs on this list, just below the Saab. You’re not going to break the bank copping a Miata – hell, if you’re in the market for a coked out Mazda like this you’re probably going with a certified pre-owned lease. A smart move. If you’re an executive driving this car, it definitely isn’t your primary vehicle. It’s your weekend errand car, and maybe you drive it on Friday’s to work just to flex. A sensible purchase, and a fun change of pace from whatever mid-level sedan you’re probably taking into the office Monday through Thursday. .
Buy the official gear of ’90s High Powered Execs: Deal Closers Only
Image via YouTube
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
Duda, genuinely curious. What is your day job?
He’s a high-powered exec in the 90s.
He’s knocking that aesthetic out of the park
No Porsche 911? Smh
name checks out
My brother and I drove a 1991 Saab 900 turbo convertible all throughout high school and undergrad. It would leave us stranded all across town but damn I loved that car.
I mobbed in that same convertible in HS but it wasn’t a turbo. The whole volleyball team got our nicknames engraved on the inside of our championship rings and mine read “Top Down”. Great fuckin car.
I dont know how a BMW 8 series doesnt make this list, it’s essentially the quintessential upper management car. Sleek, innovative B-pillar-less design with pop up headlights, a car phone in the center console, and comfortable yet supportive ride really set it apart from the middle-management-back-of-the-parking-lot trash with their 5 series
Especially with optional V12
Its optional in the same way having young attractive secretaries is optional
the V8 was arguably the better motor. The V12 was just two straight sixes fused together. They had two batteries, two ECUs, etc. and were a headache to maintain.
Yeah and the 60 year old Delores who takes meticulous notes and bakes cookies is arguably a better Secretary than the 20 year old Patti who’s lucky if she can load her own typewriter paper on the third try, but we all know that c suite exec is hiring Patti.
Didn’t the V8s of that era have valve and timing chain issues?
Came here to say the 8 series deserves a top spot on this list
What about the M5? quintessential sports sedan.
I see you have also seen the 1990s movie Beethoven staring the large dog and the evil 8-series-driving VCs.
Couple others I’d throw on this list:
BMW e30 325i- I just became a senior associate at a regional bank
C4 Corvette- I own 3 strip clubs across the greater Memphis area
Buick Park Avenue- I hate minorities
Porsche 928- I like the idea of driving a Porsche much more than driving rear-engined widow-maker
Drove an 02’ Park Avenue Ultra amazing car
Nice try. The Porsche 928 was a v8 front engine coupe. The rear-engined “widow maker” was the 911, more specifically the turbo aka the 930 with ample amounts of turbo lag and better than any car on this list.
Couldn’t find an American exec stock photo?
What about a limo? Like Bombay
Couldn’t find a pic of a Merlot Miata? You’re better than that.
While not on the list, I rocked the 95 Acura Legend (complete with a car phone) all through high school. It was the Japanese version of the S90