======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Eleven months after dropping to a knee, the time has finally come for me to pay the piper. Or marry the piper, I don’t know. We’re T-minus less than ten days out from the big day and my head is swirling with a multitude of questions, thoughts and concerns.
Here they are in no particular order, consolidated for your reading pleasure.
Am I forgetting anything?
The pre-wedding checklist is legitimately 88 items long. We’ve checked, confirmed and reconfirmed everything on it at least a dozen times. I’ll still probably leave my tie in my closet at home or something.
Will something go wrong?
Oh, 100 percent. That’s a given, but I think by the day of we’re not really going to care.
This took forever.
I don’t think I’ve gone one hour in the past eleven months without the Capital F Fiancee texting/Gchatting/shaking me awake in the middle of the night to ask me “one quick wedding question.”
How do I look?
Everything is on schedule. Got the haircut three weeks ago and going in for the neck and ear cleanup in a few days. Teeth were cleaned at the beginning of the month and those whitening strips have been in heavy rotation ever since. And yeah, maybe I hit a tanning bed once or twice. My shallowness knows no depth – pictures last forever.
Whoops, more importantly, how will she look?
Beautiful, of course.
Remember, it’s a marathon — not a sprint.
The day of is going to last well over twelve hours and my Monstar sized groomsmen will probably start drinking heavily as soon as the cufflinks are fastened. I’ll have to remind myself to not to try to keep up with them. Also, I need to remain both upright and coherent through the cake cutting. Once that dance floor opens up though, all bets are off.
Is everything going to change?
We’ve lived together for four years, been dating for five. I’ve traveled around the entire earth with this woman and she’s run an absolute GAUNTLET of my bullshit and still came out the other end smiling. As far as I’m concerned, we’ve been married for a while now. But after next Saturday it’s both official and forever. I’m ready.
I think I forgot something.
Oh, crap my vows. Guess I’ll just take the opportunity to rework my killing lazy homeless people bit!
Will people have fun?
That depends on your definition of fun. We made this a destination wedding on purpose. Most people have to fly 4+ hours followed by 2+ hours of driving. We wanted to see who really cared enough about us to make the journey. And almost everyone we invited did, which is awesome. The plan is to thank them by throwing an epic party on a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. Will somebody have a bad time? Will somebody complain to their date about a decision we made? Absolutely. I get it — all weddings are kind of a chore.
Did we send out too many emails?
Will somebody leave in the middle of our reception to go watch a professional sporting event at a bar?
Honestly, I hope so because it would absolve me completely. Unfortunately, there are zero important sports happening in mid August. Damn.
Will anybody care that it’s a cash bar?