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Eleven months after dropping to a knee, the time has finally come for me to pay the piper. Or marry the piper, I don’t know. We’re T-minus less than ten days out from the big day and my head is swirling with a multitude of questions, thoughts and concerns.
Here they are in no particular order, consolidated for your reading pleasure.
Am I forgetting anything?
The pre-wedding checklist is legitimately 88 items long. We’ve checked, confirmed and reconfirmed everything on it at least a dozen times. I’ll still probably leave my tie in my closet at home or something.
Will something go wrong?
Oh, 100 percent. That’s a given, but I think by the day of we’re not really going to care.
This took forever.
I don’t think I’ve gone one hour in the past eleven months without the Capital F Fiancee texting/Gchatting/shaking me awake in the middle of the night to ask me “one quick wedding question.”
How do I look?
Everything is on schedule. Got the haircut three weeks ago and going in for the neck and ear cleanup in a few days. Teeth were cleaned at the beginning of the month and those whitening strips have been in heavy rotation ever since. And yeah, maybe I hit a tanning bed once or twice. My shallowness knows no depth – pictures last forever.
Whoops, more importantly, how will she look?
Beautiful, of course.
Remember, it’s a marathon — not a sprint.
The day of is going to last well over twelve hours and my Monstar sized groomsmen will probably start drinking heavily as soon as the cufflinks are fastened. I’ll have to remind myself to not to try to keep up with them. Also, I need to remain both upright and coherent through the cake cutting. Once that dance floor opens up though, all bets are off.
Is everything going to change?
We’ve lived together for four years, been dating for five. I’ve traveled around the entire earth with this woman and she’s run an absolute GAUNTLET of my bullshit and still came out the other end smiling. As far as I’m concerned, we’ve been married for a while now. But after next Saturday it’s both official and forever. I’m ready.
I think I forgot something.
Oh, crap my vows. Guess I’ll just take the opportunity to rework my killing lazy homeless people bit!
Will people have fun?
That depends on your definition of fun. We made this a destination wedding on purpose. Most people have to fly 4+ hours followed by 2+ hours of driving. We wanted to see who really cared enough about us to make the journey. And almost everyone we invited did, which is awesome. The plan is to thank them by throwing an epic party on a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. Will somebody have a bad time? Will somebody complain to their date about a decision we made? Absolutely. I get it — all weddings are kind of a chore.
Did we send out too many emails?
Yeah, probably.
Will somebody leave in the middle of our reception to go watch a professional sporting event at a bar?
Honestly, I hope so because it would absolve me completely. Unfortunately, there are zero important sports happening in mid August. Damn.
Will anybody care that it’s a cash bar?
Sike. .
Respond
JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
Hey man, exciting stuff and early congrats. Just came here to be cheesy and say that once the day starts you won’t have a worry in the world. As far as how will she look? Her walking down the aisle will be the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. Love is beautiful y’all
Also, fix the app so I can comment from my phone!
Getting married sounds dope, especially if its to someone you care about.
I mean getting married to someone you don’t care about still carries tax benefits.
Last year I left the wedding of 2 people I had never met to watch the big ten championship game. I will never admit it wasn’t the right thing to do.
William, take notes
Hey, congrats! Just went through this myself and yes, it will change even if you have lived together a while. Everything is more intense in the best way. Relax and make sure you tell her how great she looks, it may honestly slip your mind because it seems so obvious to you. Good luck!
Hmm, best way, I’m not so sure. Intensity wise, yeah, any argument is more intense because there’s a greater than zero possibility she’ll take half your stuff that used to be all your stuff.
Well I would advise against marrying someone that would take you stuff over an argument
Obviously, but the fact remains that they could.
Interesting beer can in your car picture. Dumb as shit, but interesting.
Congrats on the consummation sex
Something will definitely go wrong, but you’ll be able to roll with the punches. I was MOH in a wedding last weekend and our bridal party limo broke down and CAUGHT FIRE before we even left the hotel parking lot. We did an improvised first look photo instead of the groom seeing the bride walk down the aisle and then hopped on the party bus with the guys. It was honestly one of the most fun days I’ve ever experienced and it wasn’t even my wedding.
Something is definitely going to go wrong, but it will be completely okay. For example, the Church opened up an hour later than scheduled day of, leaving myself and my six groomsmen outside for an hour (we were first to be there and we were dropped off by a shuttle so we couldn’t hop in a car and go back to the hotel). This was last August in Texas, 100 degrees. By the time the pastor got there to open up the groomsmen and I had stripped down to our boxers and dress shoes trying to stay cool. Pastor nearly fainted seeing seven half naked guys outside the Church. Good times had by all.
Congrats, JR
Calling a homeless person lazy seems redundant.