Everyone Should Befriend A Stripper

Everyone  Should Befriend A Stripper

The night started innocently enough. My men’s league team is sponsored by a local brewery so we return the favor and give them as much business as possible. That night we gathered to watch the pros play hockey. The hometown team was playing my team, and, considering I was an outsider based on team allegiance, I sat towards the end of the bar as they all talked about their favorite players. As the first intermission approached, a chesty girl with ear plugs and dyed hair walked in and sat in the vacant seat next to me.

“I like your jersey”.

“Thanks,” I replied.

She then ordered a beer and started small talk with me. She grew up a fan of the same team and her accent showed it. I love a good bar chat, so while the rest of my beer league chatted away about the game, we talked about other stuff. I had been a regular at this place from my grad school days, so the bartender had the beers flowing.

Eventually, the topic of employment came up, and I told her what I do. When I asked her she sheepishly responded that she was in the entertainment business. Always curious, I probed, which she returned volley with, “I dance.” Okay, there are dance studios around so I further prodded.

“I’m an exotic dancer.”

Then it hit me: this large breasted girl next to me worked at the strip club. Having never been to one (the day I have to pay to see tits is the day I die) and having never known a stripper, I was teeming with questions. She excused herself to the bathroom before I could make ground, and I was certain I would never get to finish asking.

While in the bathroom, my buddy Zach asked me, “Dude, do you know her? She’s hitting on you, man.”

I brushed it off because I was in a hockey jersey and pajama pants, but she did return. She told me about her life, which was kinda sad, and I guess she was pretty new to town. She had befriended the bartender, who saw my inquisitive nature as an attack and chastised me, although I was asking, “What got you into the business?” for scientific reasons. We talked a bit more, and she invited me out to another bar. I was with my friends that night, so she gave me her Facebook name and we parted ways.

I didn’t think much of it, and I was pretty trashed. A friend’s girlfriend drove us home and I didn’t think much of the Facebook friendship or the girl until the next day. Ever meet someone that overshares everything and puts their life for the world to see on social media? To protect the innocent, I will refer to her as Misty (a proud and traditional stripper name), and boy was Misty quite a follow.

When I reviewed her Facebook the following day at work, I was treated with many things, namely her rap attempts, some pole dancing videos, some life musings and of course, some 24k gold insight into the mind of a lady of the night.

One of the first posts was about going to AA. I guess she liked to get drunk and this has caused many an issue for her — from being catcalled and fighting to not being able to control her bladder. Our girl Misty was off to AA and the positive vibe memes were in full effect. She must have fallen off the train pretty quickly because I ran into her three weeks later completely shit faced at the same bar. In her defense, no one likes a quitter. We chatted briefly, but to be honest, I don’t think she remembers much other than my uncanny likeness to Chris Pratt. “You’re that guy that looks like the guy from Parks and Rec!” I’d like to think I’m in between Andy Dwyer and Starlord, but I’ll take it.

On one particular occasion, someone broke into her place and stole her stripper money hoard. Maybe she doesn’t use banks for tax reasons or is fearful of banks, but someone stole over $1000 from her. She was then requesting home defense firearm recommendations to which I offered the affordable and reliable Remington 870 and even offered to take her out with mine to learn how to properly shoot and maintain it. We talked back and forth on the merits of the Remington, but she never took me up on it. I’ll never know why, but man, what a missed opportunity.

Other times, she will post vast quantities of marijuana that she is partaking in. I’m cool with it, but quite honestly, it’s probably not the best decision to put that stuff on social media. Other days, she’ll put up videos from da club where she learned a new stripper move, and where tits may or may not be popping out. Other favorites include political memes, funny posts or whatever. It saddens me that I don’t see her often because she’s probably a hell of a time, but a rolling stone gathers no moss.

Honestly, it’s been a roller coaster of an acquaintanceship. We run into each other every once in a while. Most recently was Halloween, so it’s been a little less than I’d like. I’ll buy her a shot or a beer, we’ll shoot the shit and be on our respective ways. Same old thing, although recently, she’s been asking for FAFSA advice and plans to attend college. Good for her, but she probably makes more money than me right now. Sometimes I feel bad for her, but then I remind myself that she makes a shitload of money and has no loans. I guess there’s a silver lining to everything.

Image via Shutterstock

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I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.

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