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Recently a coworker complained to me because work was taking him to the Great White North aka Canada. When I asked why he was complaining, he told me that four years ago he had made a list of ten things he would never do, and that included ever setting foot in Canada. When I asked him why he did such a thing (make a list, not the Canada part which I totally get) he said that it was something he and his wife sat down and did once they got married.
Well I’m exactly eight weeks out from the proverbial guillotine coming down on my manhood. I know what you’re thinking, “JR, how can your wedding already be here? You’ve hardly mentioned it!” I know, I’m the picture of self restraint when it comes to mining my life for material. So without further ado here are the ten things I’m never planning on doing before or after marriage. *wink*
This has been covered before at length so let’s just move on.
2. Visit China
Love traveling, I’ve traveled all over the world and want to continue to see every bit of it. Except for China – there’s nothing appealing to me about China. Here’s some quick math for you. The United States is only a bit bigger in size than China (3.8 million square miles vs 3.7 million square miles). Guess how many more people China has living in it than America?
I don’t even like standing in General Admission at concerts because I hate crowds so much. Add on worse air quality than downtown LA, and yeah that’s a hard pass for me.
3. Learn how to grill
I’m a much better “stand by the grill and comment on the food quality” guy than I think I ever would be a griller. I even received a small grill for my birthday a few years back and it sat in a box completely untouched until the North Bay Area fires. They needed anything and everything they could to cook for the hundreds of displaced people so I donated it. See, me never learning to grill fed a family in need. Big charity guy over here.
4. Run any type of distance race
5k, 10k, half or full marathon. I’m never going to have a moment where I make it my goal to accomplish one of these things. If you’re raising money for a good cause, I’m happy to write you a check.
5. Scuba dive
Have you ever heard of thalassophobia? Of course you haven’t, but your boy has it big time. Thalassophobia is the fear of the ocean or deep water. Just thinking about being at a depth deeper than a couple feet down makes me panicky. Whatever you do, don’t ever look at this subreddit here. Just don’t do it. Great now that you’ve done it you have it too.
6. Post an Instagram story
Will never be in my wheelhouse. Ask yourself deep down if you’ve ever been impressed by one you’ve seen instead of just lumping it into the bright shiny pile of garbage you cram into your eyeball’s suckhole while lying in bed at night convincing yourself you’re being entertained?
7. Get fat
Barring some sort of crippling injury, I’m going to stay physically fit for the rest of my days. It’s really not that hard. Lay off the drinking during the week, mix in a salad or two and every time I eat something unhealthy, and go walk around the block a few times. (clapping hands emoji) Staying in shape is not hard.
This is more due to a lingering back and hip injury that I’ve had since college than anything. Rotating through a swing at the tee box will essentially cripple me, so I’m fine not being one of those guys posting 30 photos or horrible as mentioned Instagram stories from the links on Saturday mornings. I’ll be at yoga.
9. Get a tattoo
I’ve never been cool enough for a tattoo, and I’ve simply passed my tattoo years. Unless I wind up in prison which I’m not ruling out of the equation.
10. Type “lol”
The laziest and most meaningless word our generation has turned into a conjunction. I’ve gone over 20 years never having typed it in text message, email or column and I’m not planning on starting now.