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Recently a coworker complained to me because work was taking him to the Great White North aka Canada. When I asked why he was complaining, he told me that four years ago he had made a list of ten things he would never do, and that included ever setting foot in Canada. When I asked him why he did such a thing (make a list, not the Canada part which I totally get) he said that it was something he and his wife sat down and did once they got married.
Well I’m exactly eight weeks out from the proverbial guillotine coming down on my manhood. I know what you’re thinking, “JR, how can your wedding already be here? You’ve hardly mentioned it!” I know, I’m the picture of self restraint when it comes to mining my life for material. So without further ado here are the ten things I’m never planning on doing before or after marriage. *wink*
This has been covered before at length so let’s just move on.
2. Visit China
Love traveling, I’ve traveled all over the world and want to continue to see every bit of it. Except for China – there’s nothing appealing to me about China. Here’s some quick math for you. The United States is only a bit bigger in size than China (3.8 million square miles vs 3.7 million square miles). Guess how many more people China has living in it than America?
One billion.
I don’t even like standing in General Admission at concerts because I hate crowds so much. Add on worse air quality than downtown LA, and yeah that’s a hard pass for me.
3. Learn how to grill
I’m a much better “stand by the grill and comment on the food quality” guy than I think I ever would be a griller. I even received a small grill for my birthday a few years back and it sat in a box completely untouched until the North Bay Area fires. They needed anything and everything they could to cook for the hundreds of displaced people so I donated it. See, me never learning to grill fed a family in need. Big charity guy over here.
4. Run any type of distance race
5k, 10k, half or full marathon. I’m never going to have a moment where I make it my goal to accomplish one of these things. If you’re raising money for a good cause, I’m happy to write you a check.
5. Scuba dive
Have you ever heard of thalassophobia? Of course you haven’t, but your boy has it big time. Thalassophobia is the fear of the ocean or deep water. Just thinking about being at a depth deeper than a couple feet down makes me panicky. Whatever you do, don’t ever look at this subreddit here. Just don’t do it. Great now that you’ve done it you have it too.
6. Post an Instagram story
Will never be in my wheelhouse. Ask yourself deep down if you’ve ever been impressed by one you’ve seen instead of just lumping it into the bright shiny pile of garbage you cram into your eyeball’s suckhole while lying in bed at night convincing yourself you’re being entertained?
7. Get fat
Barring some sort of crippling injury, I’m going to stay physically fit for the rest of my days. It’s really not that hard. Lay off the drinking during the week, mix in a salad or two and every time I eat something unhealthy, and go walk around the block a few times. (clapping hands emoji) Staying in shape is not hard.
8. Golf
This is more due to a lingering back and hip injury that I’ve had since college than anything. Rotating through a swing at the tee box will essentially cripple me, so I’m fine not being one of those guys posting 30 photos or horrible as mentioned Instagram stories from the links on Saturday mornings. I’ll be at yoga.
9. Get a tattoo
I’ve never been cool enough for a tattoo, and I’ve simply passed my tattoo years. Unless I wind up in prison which I’m not ruling out of the equation.
10. Type “lol”
The laziest and most meaningless word our generation has turned into a conjunction. I’ve gone over 20 years never having typed it in text message, email or column and I’m not planning on starting now.
Oh fuck..
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
“It’s really not that hard. Lay off the drinking during the week…”
Can’t stop, won’t stop
Things I never want to do: stop drinking.
Things I never want to do:
1. Find myself agreeing with this trash list above
I got to “learn how to grill” and couldn’t finish.
China is awesome, especially if you’re at least a semi-attractive American. You’ll get random people asking for pictures with you, get VIP treatment at the clubs, and incredible levels of hospitality. Just because you’re American. It’s literally like being a celebrity there.
If you’re really good looking I’ve heard of stories where companies will set you up with a cushy, no work job, just to sit around and look important when they have clients and investors over.
BRB booking my flight to China
I went to SE Asia a few months ago and got this same treatment. I was giving people autographs everywhere I went and everyone was asking if I was Chris Pratt. Parks and Rec must be huge over there because the only version of Chris I look like is season 1-3 minus the casts.
lol
For the record, people who use “lol”
are fucking assclowns who use it as a tactic to soften the offensive blow so they don’t piss off a bunch of sensitive mash potato-assed dumbasses lol
When I got married I told my wife the one thing I refused to do was ever fold a fitted sheet. And I’ve stayed true to that over the last 10.5 years.
Is it possible to fold a fitting sheet? If so, how? I just ball em up
My roommate showed me how one time. I think he made a deal with the devil to learn how to do that.
Is that you SFPL?
That subreddit had the opposite effect than intended.
This list is kind of nonsense but I have an irrational fear of whales (orcas in general, but really all whales) that keeps me out of the deep sea. Im fine as long as the water isn’t deeper than 10 feet or so. I don’t know why I’m telling everyone this