Every Group Text Needs A Bad Take Guy

Every Group Text Needs A Bad Take Guy

Sunday night, as I watched the Giants fail to cover the spread, I attempted to take my L in silent, miserable fashion. That desire was interrupted around midway through the second quarter. As much as I just wanted to watch the game in peace, I couldn’t just ignore the GroupMe blowing up.

“What are these idiots going on about?” I wondered to myself. Intending to just read a couple messages then go back to my miserable focus on the game, I instead subjected myself to something no man enjoys dealing with.

Every group of sports fans has their own personal Skip Bayless; the guy throwing out hot take after hot take that gets worse and worse. Our GroupMe’s Skip is named Mike, and when I checked my phone I saw fucking Mike spitting fire about “Aaron Rogers” being overrated.

I wish I could say that I was surprised that he was arguing that a top-three QB in football was overrated, or that it was the hottest erroneous take he had that night. But considering the guy spouted out “Cris Carter made Randy Moss look good” and “Zach Britton was the best player in MLB,” it’s obvious that nothing is shocking or sacred when it comes to Mike’s takes.

His heart is in the right place; the guy loves sports. And maybe he’s just shitting out these flaming garbage takes on a daily basis to get us riled up, but regardless of the motivation, they’re out there and they’re awful. What’s redeeming about this is that every group needs that guy who’s going to shake up the takes a little bit.

Close your eyes and think about who the Skip Bayless of your group is and undoubtedly one dude will come to mind. For me, it’s a 6’5″ guy with a low handicap and an unhealthy appetite for gin. To tell you the truth, our group needs him just like your group needs your Skip. These guys aren’t earning undeserved millions for vocally vomiting opinions that should be taken out behind the shed like Skip Bayless does. They’re just inspiring healthy banter in an otherwise bland group.

How much “Brady is great” or “LeBron is great” can you all agree on before things get stale? No, you need a guy to come out swinging with an all caps “THE CAVS DON’T COME BACK FROM 3-1 WITHOUT DELLAVEDOVA!” Maybe they don’t have “statistics” or “logic” backing up their points, but dammit they’ve got passion, and these days doesn’t that count for something?

I don’t always pop into the group chat. In fact, in this group I’m known for my rare appearances. This chat is the prime source of communication for a fantasy football league, but it’s rare that the whole band gets back together for one conversation. But Mike, bless him, provides that conversation. I may not hop in to roast someone when they make a bad lineup decision, or to comment on the hangover someone is bitching about. But when the group rallies together like an 1880’s posse to shoot Mike in the street for saying Aaron Rodgers is anything less than an elite QB, it’s a special moment.

No one wants to be the shitty hot-take guy, but we all need that guy just the same. As long as they aren’t handed millions of dollars and a travesty of a show on FS1, we’ll still continue to appreciate when they make the case that Derek Anderson could QB a team to a Super Bowl victory.

[via FS1 / YouTube]

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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