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Asking a girl out is an anxiety-inducing, butterfly-fueled, roller coaster of emotion experience. Humans are programmed to fear rejection. It’s a biological response. We’re hard-wired to fear rejection, because shacking up with a mate is built into our DNA; we’re literally built to pass on our genetic material and if we get shut down, our DNA ends up chilling on a bunch of tissues. It takes some cojones to ask a girl out. Let’s appreciate that.
But in this day and age, I’d say 90% of us dudes are asking girls out in a pretty standard way. Either 1) you meet on an app and text back and forth or B) you meet at a bar, grab a number, and text back and forth before asking her out. Rarely is it done in person anymore, or over the phone for that matter. Like The Concert by Vermeer (shouts to the art history majors), it’s a lost art.
With that in mind, I just stumbled upon Men’s Health’s “6 Women Share the Weirdest Ways They’ve Been Asked Out,” and I respect the fuck out of a lot of these innovative cocksmen who literally live the “shooters shoot” life. I envy these men. Let’s break down each of these six “weird” ways women have been asked out. Each shooter received a “shooters shoot” factor. It takes into account ballsy-ness, likelihood of success, and intangibles.
AT A FUNERAL
“My friend’s grandmother passed away and I decided to go to the funeral to support my friend and her family. When the funeral was over, I was standing off to the side by myself when a guy, who looked to be my age, came up to me. He started flirting with me a little and we exchanged small talk for 15 minutes or so. It was a little weird to be talking about such happy and normal things at a funeral. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. Later on, I asked my friend who he was and she said it was a cousin of hers who recently became single. She hinted he has some ex-girlfriend baggage, so I decided to pass on the date and never texted him back.”
Looks like someone’s seen Wedding Crashers a few times, huh? I mean, yes, grief is nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac, and everyone looks good and slim in black at a funeral, but you have to know your audience. You need to be going after the fiancée of the guy who died in a hang gliding accident, not the friend of family member who probably barely knew the deceased. I don’t think it’s weird to talk about happy and normal things at a funeral; it helps the grieving process. So does celebrating love. With that in mind, I say go for it, and it seems like this one only crashed and burned because the cousin spilled the beans on the ex-girlfriend baggage. Almost as big of a buzzkill as spitting game next to dead granny at an open casket wake.
Shooters Shoot Factor: 6/10 – it’s not crazy and it probably works sometimes, but you need to pick your spots; NBA Comparison: Isaiah Thomas – you don’t hate him shooting, but you kind of wish he took it to the hoop a little more.
AFTER PASSING OUT
“I was taking this really tough, bootcamp-style workout class, and it was maybe 90 degrees outside. I didn’t eat anything beforehand and didn’t have any water with me—so yes, I was a recipe for disaster. We had to run a mile outside as part of the class, and halfway through, I passed out. When I woke up, the instructor and one other guy from the class were by my side, giving me water and asking me how I felt. I sat up, drank the water, and felt a lot better. The instructor ran back in to get my phone and my purse so I could call someone to pick me up. The other guy from the class took this situation as an opportunity to hit on me. He said he knew something that could make me feel better. I asked him what and he said a night on the town with him. It was so cheesy and I was clearly not in the mood to be asked out. I rolled my eyes and when the instructor came back I told him that I felt uncomfortable around that guy and that he totally weirded me out.”
Yikes. This is a badddd look. Thinking that this would actually work is absolutely bananas in pajamas. I mean, everyone knows you DO NOT ask girls out at the gym, unless they’ve made it pretty clear that they’re into you. And, everyone also knows that you don’t ask a girl out right after she comes to after passing out. You have to let her come onto you, the hero and savior a la Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates. Put those two together and you look like the most socially inept guy out there. I’m glad this lady told her instructor this dude made her uncomfortable. He’s a menace to society. Get this guy banned from the boot camp.
Shooters Shoot Factor: 8/10 – this guy is shooting with a blindfold. He’s all over the place in the gym. Zero chance of success and yet you almost have to respect it; NBA Comparison: JR Smith – the very definition of a chucker.
“I don’t have that many random followers on Instagram, so I noticed when this really awesome-looking guy followed me out of the blue. He would always like my photos and one day he direct messaged me telling me that he thought a photo of me going rock-climbing was really cool. I had butterflies in my stomach from his message, which was weird because I didn’t know anything about him, except from what I saw in his Instagram photos. We chatted back and forth a few times and he asked me to meet him for coffee. I didn’t tell any of my friends because I figured they would think I was crazy going out with a guy I met on Instagram, but I went and we hit it off. I think we dated for two or three months. In the end, we weren’t a good match, but I don’t regret going on the date or meeting him in real life.”
Wait, this is a weird way to ask someone out? Sliding into the DMs is, like, pretty normal, no? Raise your hand if you’ve slid into the DMs, either on the Gram or on Twitter. Okay, my hand is raised and so is yours. If pro athletes can do it, so can you. This is the official Boston Max green light for sliding into the DMs. And if you’re a good looking cat like the guy in this anecdote? Swishhhhh.
Shooters Shoot Factor: 3/10 – It’s not that wild; it’s essentially like Tinder or Bumble or whatever. You’ve each got a rolodex of photos, you can judge each other’s aesthetics and filter game right off the bat, and it’s basically a window into their life; NBA Comparison: Chandler Parsons – You don’t have to be particularly good or have much game, you just need to be really really ridiculously good looking.
AFTER DIALING THE WRONG NUMBER
“I was dialing the only number I knew from heart, my parents’ number, from the phone at my office and I accidentally hit a 3 instead of a 7. I was so confused when a man answered the phone because I didn’t realize I dialed the wrong number. We started chatting and he thought it was funny that I meant to call my parents and ended up calling him. We must have talked for 10 minutes before he asked me if I wanted to meet him for dinner. It was crazy and he knew that and so did I. I didn’t even know what he looked like, but I had this gut feeling that he was a cool person. He gave me his first and last name before the date so I could Google him. He seemed normal on social media and when I finally saw what he looked like in pictures, I was definitely attracted to him. We met on a Thursday night at a restaurant near my house. By that next Friday, we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. We have been dating for six months. It’s probably the craziest way to meet someone, but I’m glad I dialed the wrong number that day!”
Wow. This is unbelievable. Like I’ve read this ten times and I’m stilling coming to grips with this. This is literally a plot from Seinfeld. Jerry gets the phone lines crossed, speaks with Donna Chang, and asks her out thinking she’s Chinese (spoiler alert: she’s not) Both people in this scenario have to hundo P have something clinically wrong with them. Like maybe they’re missing their prefrontal cortexes. Literally the definition of a blind date. Each person has zero references. All you’ve got is their voice and ten minutes of relatively witty banter? Absolutely psychotic.
Shooters Shoot Factor: 9/10 – clinically insane; NBA Comparison: Chris “Bird Man” Anderson – batshit crazy, no business shooting three pointers let alone even being on a team at this point, serious potential everything turns into a missing person’s case, yet so intriguing you almost can’t look away.
IN HER THERAPIST’S WAITING ROOM
“I met my current boyfriend in our therapist’s waiting room. I had just finished my session and he was next to see her. Our therapist ran out for a few minutes to pick up lunch and I ended up striking a conversation with him. He made me laugh almost instantly and I loved his smile. He asked me out for a drink and I accepted because why not? Once we started dating, he got a new therapist so that we wouldn’t see the same person and it wouldn’t be weird. We have been dating for almost two years.”
Boomshakalaka. This is how it’s done. Get the baggage right out in the open. You’re at a therapist, I’m at a therapist. You’re fucked up, I’m fucked up. Match made in heaven. I’m not shocked at all that these crazy kids have been together two years now. It’s good to know both are responsible adults seeking help for their ailments. They’re perfect together.
Shooters Shoot Factor: 2/10 – this really isn’t all that crazy. Almost an ideal scenario. Essentially it’s a layup; NBA Comparison: Steph Curry – come on you knew it was coming. Basically automatic.
WHILE BUYING TAMPONS AND BIRTH CONTROL
“I literally was holding two of the most embarrassing things in my hand when I bumped into a guy who wasn’t watching where he was walking. I was holding my birth control and tampons when he knocked both out of my hands and bent down to pick them up. I was mortified. I said thank you and kept shopping around the store. We were then stuck behind each other in a long checkout line. He kept trying to talk to me and before it was my turn to go and pay, he asked for my number. He said he wanted to take me to dinner. I said thank you again and lied and said I had a boyfriend. He just wasn’t my type and was coming on way too strongly.”
You know right away she’s practicing safe sex. And you know she’s not pregnant. So right away she’s checking off some boxes. But this is harder to pull off than the plot to Ocean’s Eleven. Or Twleve! Or Thirteen! I just think the CVS line, or grocery store, or even in an elevator, is such a difficult procedure. There’s no room for error. It’s like diffusing a bomb or performing brain surgery. You’ve got maybe thirty to ninety seconds to execute a perfect intro, drop a few funny lines, find a common ground, and then get the number. Hats off to anyone who can pull this off.
Shooters Shoot Factor: 10/10 – it’s so difficult, there are so many wild cards, it’s insanely ballsy, and the overall experience is an absolute circus; NBA Comparison: Nick Young. Swaggy P. Confidence factor on a million..
[via Men’s Health]
Image via Shutterstock