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It was a brisk day in early November of last year. I left my temp gig 10 minutes early so I could find a quiet place to take a phone call. It was a preliminary phone interview for a full-time position, and I wanted to make sure I was composed before I started the conversation.
An unfamiliar number buzzed on my phone minutes later. Taking a breath, I accepted the call. We exchanged pleasantries for a minute. Finally, the guy got down to business.
“Can you tell me what you’re doing right now at (Huge Audiobook Company)?”
I paused. Should I tell him the truth? I didn’t have long to deliberate, so I decided to be up front.
“Oh yeah, I currently curate erotic audiobook content.”
The guy on the other end of the line laughed for a full minute before responding.
“That’s not something I’m used to hearing.”
I pounced.
“It would be a lot weirder if it was.”
I didn’t get the job.
In the past year and a half, I have listened to excerpts from books where men turn into bears and then fall in love with women who turn into deer (this, if you dive into “shifter” romance novels, is of course forbidden). I picked up a side gig hosting trivia where I dispense useless knowledge at bars throughout New Jersey. This past summer, I worked for Samsung fact-checking and proofreading marketing and promotional copy. My sole highlights were correcting the spelling of “Fortnite” and lecturing a CEO about imperative sentences (I’m highly employable). I also worked at a consulting firm where, on the second to last day, I learned the company made $7 million in one month.
I made $18 an hour. I almost called Nived on the spot to start the revolution.
My resume at the moment quite frankly looks ridiculous. The downside of most of these jobs is they were all temporary assignments. I quickly have to remind recruiters and HR that I’m not blowing through these jobs and getting fired after 8 weeks. Surprisingly, there really isn’t high demand for anyone who could tell you the subtle differences between good and bad erotica (we seriously had SEVERAL meetings about this at (Huge Audiobook Company)) nor is there any need for someone who can find errors in subject-verb agreement on the second-to-last page of a tedious financial prospectus. I look at LinkedIn the same way a lovelorn adolescent looks at his phone waiting for a text back.
I currently teach intro to writing as an adjunct at my local college, a college whose president lied on his resume about his credentials and was promptly… allowed to keep his job with zero repercussions. I also tutor and substitute teach, and just finished two books about Spanish YouTube stars none of you have ever heard of for the publishing company that laid me off last year three months after I broke my leg.
Confused yet? I still am.
I’m an employment nomad. I go where I’m needed for months or weeks at a time, do some semblance of a job, and leave without fanfare. It’s had its ups (did you read the part where I CURATED EROTIC AUDIOBOOK CONTENT?). It’s had its downs. I have no idea where I’ll wind up.
Some people stick with one job for the rest of their lives.
That must be awful..
Respond
Parker Jammstein
Stand-up comic. Soccer nerd. Water polo enthusiast. Eater of burritos. NY/NJ.
“‘Can you tell me what you’re doing right now at (Huge Audiobook Company)?’ I paused. Should I tell him the truth? I didn’t have long to deliberate, so I decided to be up front.”
In the interest of helpfulness, here’s how you handle that: “I curate lifestyle-related content aimed at a mixed-gender audiences aged 18-54, employing both data-based understanding of our target audience and my skills as an English major to identify content that would appeal best to this audience.” (Or something like that.) It’s honest, it sells your skills, and it doesn’t get your resume tossed in the trash. Good luck.
This is solid. Thank you!
Glad to help!
dude, don’t worry. once AI and robotics automate everyone’s stupid-ass, boring, suck-ass, no future having, no security, low-ass wage, no true career having jobs, then writing will become what it once was. All the greatest thought leaders were writers or artists. we just need like a huge catastrophic event + capitalistic economic meltdown to wake people up and make room for change while also greatly reducing the population so that civil unrest will be very isolated and then we’ll finally be an intelligent species living in harmony with the environment so that the aliens can then harvest our souls and upload us into a new consciousness lol
Print is dead
I still get my WSJ delivered to my office because I like the smell of fresh newspaper.
I get WSJ delivered to my office, too, because it impresses the proletariat masses. I never actually read it.
Your piece’s tone is dark and I can sense your frustration. Have you considered getting some interview coaching and getting your resume professionally done? It’s probably not a good idea to talk about curating erotic audio book content unless you’re trying to get a job in the porn industry. You’d be surprised how much of a difference a professionally done resume and some interview coaching can make.
Also, $7 million monthly revenue for a consulting firm isn’t that much, although I wasn’t surprised to see this complaint from someone who worked for Bernie Sanders’ campaign. And $18 isn’t bad for what’s essentially a non-skilled labor job. If you want to make more at a consulting firm, get an MBA.
This is pretty condescending
I’ve been saying it for years. Bill Nye is a prick
ATLGuy vs Bill Nye. A rivalry for the ages.
He may sound like a prick but it’s the truth. People get tired of reading about folks complaining about their job prospects when they took a degree program that isn’t that in demand or useful. Not saying that’s the case at all with Parker because I have no idea, but it may fall under the category of “I got a comparative lit degree and owe $100k for it and now I can’t find a job. Woe is me.” We all have our struggles but decisions have consequences.
This website has absolutely zero “I got a comparative lit degree and owe $100k for it and now I can’t find a job. Woe is me.” content. I took this as Parker poking fun at his obscure job history. I didn’t assume that he has no business acumen and doesn’t have a professional resume.
Yeah no I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I’ve found that despite having an English background there are ways to make a living that don’t include teaching. I just thought the bizarre jobs I’ve wound up in would make for good content. Plus I haven’t published anything in two years and I got bored. So yeah.
Idk why but I felt like you’ve written a ton of content on here. But lo and behold, it has been 2 years. I’m getting old.
Didn’t think I quoted this site in particular in saying that but my apologies.
I wasn’t trying to be a prick, I was legitimately trying to empathize with Parker in my first paragraph. I had a friend go through a similar situation where he was having trouble finding a job and revamping his resume made all the difference.
In the second paragraph, I thought that Parker was being ridiculous complaining about his pay given his company’s earnings. Companies pay employees what they feel that their labor is worth and you can either take it or leave it. I would love to be paid twice as much at my current place, especially when I have two months of 80 hour weeks every year, but it’s not going to happen. I’m aware of that and aware that no one’s forcing me to be here. Clearly if the company paid Parker $18/hour, that was what they thought he was worth. If he wanted to make more at that company, he has the option of going on the track that many people do to get that higher pay. If that makes me a prick, so be it.
I don’t care enough about ATL Guy. It’s stupid getting into an argument with someone on a random internet site, although I’ve been guilty of that in the past. If I wanted to do that again, I’d go back on Facebook and start posting about politics.
Gotta love the move of following up two paragraphs of arguing your case with, “It’s stupid getting into an argument…”
I’d call it “elaborating,” but I see your point. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
No yeah I get it. I should’ve mentioned I was a proofreader for said firm and those kinds of companies only hire proofreaders when they need them. It’s all good.
Damn did I do that
I’ve been on a lot of interviews and the thing right now is my first class starts at 430 and most companies don’t offer flexible scheduling. I’ve found out adjuncting is a dead end and I don’t want to keep doing it, and the jobs I’ve had with the firm/Samsung are more my speed and what I’m looking for. I’ve looked into resume building and interview coaching also.
Pendant Publishing. Those bastards!
84 million a year is small potatoes. The goal is to make shareholders money, not you. They really dont care about you other than they can bill your time at significantly more than they pay you.
That’s where employments going. Especially considering the average of us will be sacked twice before our 35th birthday
Like REALLY enjoyed this. Tell me more about the bears and deer
I get this. (User name checks out??). I’ve been at my current job for over a year and a half now which is a personal record and I’m actually planning on retiring from this company if I play my cards right. It feels very strange to be “settled”. Thankfully I keep fucking up my personal life all the time so that keeps me on my toes. Fuck job searching tho. The absolute worst.
Sounds like you were an English major.
I really enjoyed this
Any recommendations on books?
I think about this title a lot. More than I should.
https://www.amazon.com/Erotic-Adventures-Captain-Yoshiba-Episode-ebook/dp/B013KV17U2