Don’t You Dare Invite Me To Do A Pedal Pub

Don't You Dare Invite Me To Do A Pedal Pub

The art of having a beer is simple – you call someone, you meet at a convenient and mutually agreed upon location, and you order a beer from a bartender who probably hates her job. As you sit in peace enjoying said beer, you relax and catch up by exchanging stories and jabs at one another. It’s peaceful, simple, and requires minimal effort. It’s pure.

Which is why ‘Pedal Pubs’ are so fucking stupid.

These monstrosities go by a number of names – party bikes, fietscafés, bierfiets, pedal crawlers, pedibuses, cycle pubs, beer bikes, bierbikes, megacycles, birriciclos. The idea behind Pedal Pubs is uncomplicated. A group of people sit down on one of these monstrosities and pedal themselves around a city rather than sit at a solitary, brick-and-mortar bar. Hooting and hollering, the main motivation behind doing a Pedal Pub is to make a spectacle of the fact that you’re drinking and to have everyone onboard say something to the effect of, “Oh my God, we’re so crazy on this thing.”

But no. Pedal Pubs are an awful idea for all parties involved and the only reason one would actually want to do a Pedal Pub is for the shitty experience that they’ll eventually regret. On the surface, sure, they look fun. But when you dive deeper into the world of Pedal Pubs, you’ll soon realize that these are a truly awful idea.

Drinking is an inherently lazy activity, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Alcohol dehydrates you, so it truly shouldn’t be mixed with vigorous activity. When I see a group of actual cyclists walk into a bar after a ride for a cool-down beer, I’m normally pretty disgusted with them because 1) they smell and 2) they smell. If you’re going to enter an establishment, you should be showered and clean out of respect for the clientele.

Pedal Pubs shit all over this idea. These groups of try-hards pedal themselves around the city on the hot, hot streets. Whether it’s 65 degrees outside or 100 degrees outside, you’re going to at least sweat a little bit. Whether it’s your pits, your back, or your ass, it’s inevitable. That is, unless you’re the asshole who decides not to pedal and fucks over the rest of the group. Which leaves you with a decision to make – do you want to be sweaty or do you want to be an asshole? I think you’ll agree with me when I say that neither are a good look.

Now, if you’re a Pedal Pub Professional, you’ll know that you don’t have to pedal if you sit at the back of the Pedal Pub. You’re the diamond in the rough who lucks out. But even though you can sit back and relax, you’re still guilty by association because you’re rollin’ ’round town with a bunch of sweaty assholes. Again, not a good look.

“Why do you have to be such a poor sport, man?” you might ask. “Why are you so salty? Can’t you let people live their lives?”

The answer to that is simple – no, I cannot. This is a precautionary measure for anyone out there who might think to themselves, “Hey, this is a great idea for the bachelorette party I’m planning!” You do not want to be a part of a Pedal Pub. If you organize a Pedal Pub, the other attendees are going to talk about you behind your back and begin referring to you as “that asshole who organized a Pedal Pub.” You don’t want to be the people holding up traffic while people laugh and point at you from actual bars and restaurants, nor do you want to be the person that spearheaded the operation itself.

I’m all for having beers and being active, but the two need to live separate existences in your life. Keep the streets safe and enjoy your beers with your feet planted firmly on the ground. You, and your reputation, will be thankful.

And by all means, don’t you dare invite me to go with you.

Image via Shutterstock

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Editor at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram).

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