Displaced Texan Chronicles: Neighborhood Watch

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My wife who comes from a town of about 3,000 people has been trying her damnedest to fit in up here in the burbs of greater Seattle. She recently joined an online group put together by some true warriors in our neighborhood that focuses on the overall safety and communal support network that Seattle tries entirely too hard to create. What follows is the most recent post that is so good I couldn’t have made it up if I tried. It doesn’t get much more Seattle than this:

Blitzkrieg Wild Animal Attack on Domestic Animal During Daylight and Inside Fenced Yard

Congrats on the scorching hot headline here. This immediately grabbed my attention and I opened up Gmail ready to fire off a new dangerous animal of the week submission as someone was comparing a wild animal to Hitler and Nazi-style warfare tactics.

Dear neighbors, for those of us with animals to protect, we are letting you know a carefully fenced yard, our presence, and daylight was not enough to protect our pet from a bold blitzkrieg predator attack just off our backyard porch.

Holy shit. What in the fucking fuck is on the prowl in our neighborhood? Predator 2018 must have gotten lose from the movie set and is now on the offensive in the Greater Seattle area. You mean to tell me that a wooden fence standing a gargantuan 3 feet high couldn’t stop this vicious animal from slaughtering poor helpless innocent creatures? Thankfully I have most of my military gear. Better grab my plate carrier and some Sapi plates cause shit is gonna get real.

Sunday evening April 23, 8 14 pm, as captured by the security camera, a bobcat attacked our six month old homebody kitten playing just off the back porch in daylight. The little guy (6.5 lbs) put up a mighty heroic struggle against the overwhelming 30 plus pound force, both of them tumbling down the hill and taking minutes before the inevitable.

Okay I feel bad. The kitten didn’t deserve that. But how in the hell does this lady know how much the bobcat weighed? She must have gone hand-to-claw with this creature of the night.

Also, why does she have a security camera? Who has a hill in their backyard when the plots here are basically the size of my truck bed? I need answers. Hopefully she posts a wanted photo of the attacker across the neighborhood so I can be prepared. Stay alert. Stay alive.

I had been out there a short time earlier, as were our chickens.

Of course she has free range chickens in her backyard. Of course she does. Could you be more Seattle?

We were home, and did not hear anything. When we saw the kitten was missing, we guessed coyote, especially when we found a hole dug under the fence, and the lower gate ajar.

I’ve literally never heard someone use the term ajar to describe a gate. Also, why would an animal dig a hole under the fence if the gate was already open?

The author is providing me more questions than answers. M. Night Shyamalan must live a few doors down.

Until I went through the camera footage a few days later and got the definitive answer instead of our best guess.

What kind of animal owner waits “a few days” to figure out how their animal died? Why have a camera if you don’t review footage? Go fuck yourself, cat lady. Pets deserve better.

This bobcat seemed to be very comfortable around our house. He knew exactly where he was going as if he had been here before, and likely he had scouted out his venue from a hiding spot close by.

Yep. I can see it now. The bobcat obviously had a fucking Predator drone he launched from a few miles away. He must have had thermal imagery from 12,000MSL on the surrounding area while looking for a soft target to attack right at dusk. I bet he even had a to-scale sand table he set up where he launched numerous dry-runs before the formal invasion.

It is possible a coyote did the digging and pushing the gate ajar, and the bobcat used the coyote’s work.

What is this? Avatar 2? Was Eywa serving as the Supreme Allied Commander of the campaign in Seattle? I saw what Eywa did to those Marines. An Army guy like me doesn’t stand a fucking chance. Better stay woke out here.

The forest has returned providing excellent cover for rebounding wildlife (this area was clearcut 100 plus years ago). Bothell is returning to wilderness and becoming increasingly Darwinian.

I’ll be honest, I had to stop reading right here because of the tears in my eyes. I was joking about the Eywa thing but this bitch might actually believe it. I’m sure a Vegan is reading this somewhere and linking this Blitzkreig attack to nature getting back at mankind for drinking skim milk or something.

When wild animals get comfortable around human habitation and start relying on the easy marks of trusting domestic animals instead of their natural prey, they are becoming tame and are no longer strictly wild.

Call me crazy here, but isn’t a bobcats natural predator a domestic animal and a coyote?

(Checks Wikipedia, yep, those are its predators).

But she said the bobcat and coyote have formed a powerful alliance similar to the USSR and the Allied Powers. Humanity is fucked. What’s next? Are beavers, pigeons and gerbils going to launch a sea/air/land invasion against Chicago?!

We are missing our two feral cats as well, who were outdoor savvy, but were on the frontline. We have carefully fenced and pounded in rebar.

The “frontline.” I want to go scream at this woman. Send this bitch to Helmand Province in Afghanistan if she wants to see what a frontline looks like.

Aside from people in downtown Cleveland, who puts in rebar in their backyard to prevent attacks on their house? Seriously. Where the fuck have I moved to?

It was daylight. I was home and going in and out on the back porch. We thought our yard was safe for our animal charges. Now I am wondering when the cougars will be showing up, as already has happened in Medina and in Redmond.

There it is. I’ve been waiting for our next illogical jump out of reality. The cougars, tigers, lions and honey badgers are coming next. Hopefully, it won’t also start raining down Cobras during a Sharknado.

If anyone has some good ideas for keeping the wild animals out, I’d love to hear from you. Giving our property over to the wilderness is not an option.

Take that fucking stand, neighbor!!!! To everyone else refusing to stand for our common man, I say this! Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you’ll live… at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR FREEDOM!.

Image via Shutterstock

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Kiawah Island Strip Club

I'd rather be golfing. Seattle sucks so I write about that. Also work...ish in recruiting. Shoot your resume to kiawahislandstripclub@gmail.com for any and all job hunt questions.