Disgruntled Passenger Sues the TSA After Missing the Flight

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A couple of weeks ago, I took a flight. I arrived in plenty of time to make it through security, get some coffee, wait for the coffee to settle, take a coffee dump, get some more coffee and get on my flight.

But then a TSA shift change happened. For over half an hour, the line stood motionless. What was a steadily flowing stream of travelers became a backed up lake of hatred and anxiety. You know what happened next: I missed my flight.

The TSA – or its official designation, Thousands Standing Around – are the blue-shirted high school dropouts that love to sniff shoes and touch childrens’ penises. They are proof positive that the terrorists won. We all know this to be true. What we didn’t know is that there could be some cheddar involved for when they inevitably fuck shit up!

Minneapolis man and awesome-name-haver Hooman Nikizad has filed a lawsuit in federal court seeking reimbursement for the $500 change fee he was forced to purchase after a two-hour TSA line that resulted in him missing his flight, according to the Star Tribune.

Granted, this hero is seeking actual financial damages, which have never happened to me — unless of course you count the dozens of beers I drink in efforts to forget the dehumanizing experience of dealing with the TSA. But hopefully this will set a precedent that will allow us all to sue the TSA for offensive behavior like fingering buttholes, ogling computer renderings of our naked bodies, and just generally existing.

So I salute you, Dr. Hooman Nikizad. For real, you’re going to want to take a bus for your next couple of trips. Those incompetent shitheels are definitely going to make your life a living hell next time you fly.

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International sailing champion and friend to most wolves. Except Larry, he knows what he did.

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