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A couple of weeks ago, I took a flight. I arrived in plenty of time to make it through security, get some coffee, wait for the coffee to settle, take a coffee dump, get some more coffee and get on my flight.
But then a TSA shift change happened. For over half an hour, the line stood motionless. What was a steadily flowing stream of travelers became a backed up lake of hatred and anxiety. You know what happened next: I missed my flight.
The TSA – or its official designation, Thousands Standing Around – are the blue-shirted high school dropouts that love to sniff shoes and touch childrens’ penises. They are proof positive that the terrorists won. We all know this to be true. What we didn’t know is that there could be some cheddar involved for when they inevitably fuck shit up!
Minneapolis man and awesome-name-haver Hooman Nikizad has filed a lawsuit in federal court seeking reimbursement for the $500 change fee he was forced to purchase after a two-hour TSA line that resulted in him missing his flight, according to the Star Tribune.
Granted, this hero is seeking actual financial damages, which have never happened to me — unless of course you count the dozens of beers I drink in efforts to forget the dehumanizing experience of dealing with the TSA. But hopefully this will set a precedent that will allow us all to sue the TSA for offensive behavior like fingering buttholes, ogling computer renderings of our naked bodies, and just generally existing.
So I salute you, Dr. Hooman Nikizad. For real, you’re going to want to take a bus for your next couple of trips. Those incompetent shitheels are definitely going to make your life a living hell next time you fly..
Respond
Icehouse
International sailing champion and friend to most wolves. Except Larry, he knows what he did.
@PJHart
@hart__attack
pjhart84
The TSA was created by Satan himself, and I do my best everyday to eradicate their shitty existence. All of your prayers are needed.
Stuff like this is why I’m so stoked about getting TSA Pre-Check next month. One interview and I’ll never have to deal with TSA again…or at least for the next five years before I either have to renew it or the TSA falls apart, whichever happens first.
I finally got pre-check, enjoyed it three times, made a mistake and forgot an “item” in my bag after a hunting trip, and now I will never be pre-check again
Ouch. This one’s kind of on you though.
The world needs you to write more.
K.
The guy suing TSA won’t get a dime from them what a waste of time he’s an idiot and so are you IceHouse the passengers create all their own problems and most of the stuff you have said in this article is wildly inaccurate sounds like the ramblings of an angry three year old who didn’t get his way I’m glad you missed your flight
You seem like an angry 3 year old who has the wherewithal to willfully go wait in the TSA line even if you aren’t flying just so you can get your dingus touched by one of these ex mall security guards.
Did someone say dingus?