Diary Of A Middle Management Sellout: Corner Office

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What’s crackin’, Diary? It’s your boy Gil again. I’m back and I’ve got a massive update for you. This startup life has been absolutely lit. Company moved into a new office recently and they gave their star pupil a baller pad for me to beam deals out into the universe. I’m talkin’ about a corner office, dog. With a corner office comes corner office perks and responsibilities. This shit is great.

I’ve got my own little squad of minions to do my bidding, or bid my doing. Still trying to figure out how that works. Actually, that’s a straight up lie. They literally do all of my work for me. It’s awesome. I had a hand in hiring all of them myself too. Take a look at this dream team:

Name: Francis Coleman, 24
Official Nickname: “Frank the Tank”
Title: Junior Account Executive
School: JMU (so sick)
Guy Hotness Scale: 8.4/10
Salary: $42,000/year
Reason hired: Did coke (coulda been Adderall?) with his brother one time.

Name: Bryson Williams, 23
Official Nickname: “B-Man”
Title: Junior Account Executive
School: Arizona (probably knows hot chicks)
Guy Hotness Scale: 7.9/10
Salary: $40,000/year
Reason hired: Follow his hot sister on Instagram.

Name: Piper McBride, 25
Official Nickname: TBD
Title: Executive Assistant
School: Colorado State (pot hookup?)
Chick Hotness Scale: 8.7/10
Salary: $45,000/year
Reason hired: To distract anyone above me in the chain of command with her hotness.

I’ve assembled a fantastic team of young go-getters who are hot and hungry. They’re eager to work, especially the work that I assign to them that I could easily do myself. The benefit of youth is not only energy and zest, but also ignorance. They don’t know what I do. That’s the beauty. I intend to keep it that way for at least 18 months.

So, let’s break down these young hard bodies.

Francis is awesome. “Dope,” as he usually says. Francis fratted at JMU (Go fuckin’ Dukes) and played lax in high school, which he smartly included on his resume. I actually had “lax” word finders set in ZipRecruiter. You just never know. Frank the Tank is a big believer in the 80/20 principle and he’s a fellow Jocko listener. We had a bit of a miscommunication in his first week though. He saw the bottle of Kiehl’s on my desk and I had to quickly explain that it was face moisturizer and not cock moisturizer. We laughed it off like old friends. He’s a solid kid.

On to Bryson. He’s a real project of mine. The B-Man and the G-Man were getting along great in week #1 until I took him to happy hour at P.J. Baker’s in midtown. The dude is a SLOPPY drunk. It’s okay, though. He’s the youngest of the Humplestead’s Champions. He’ll learn in due time. He had surprisingly good game for how blackout he was, but alas, it was still a company function. He asked me if I wanted to be his roommate. Had a long talk with him about boundaries and how important they are in the workplace. I finished my Hot Doctor (Dr. Pepper and Fireball) and walked out of that Twin Peaks right then and there, leaving him with the bill. He’s been a rockstar ever since. He’s probably gonna ask for a raise soon, which will leave me with no choice but to fire him. Hopefully he knows that before he asks.

On to Piper. Oh, sweet Miss Piper. She was a kindergarten teacher before this job, but she got fired for showing up hungover and late all the time. I respected her honesty in the interview process. One way to impress Gil Humplestead is by owning up to your past mistakes, especially if you’re a hard L.A. 7 like Piper is. I can’t say that publicly, but that’s just how I feel. Luckily no one will ever read this.

I’m not saying I’m using a beautiful, single woman for my own professional advantage, but I’m not not saying that either. It’s a jungle out there and if Gil Humplestead sees an open patch of grass that hasn’t been sown with the seeds of potential litigation, you can best believe I’m spreading my seed there. Purposely hiring a hot chick to distract my coworkers while I operate behind the scenes, is but a mere step on the staircase of excellence, and I’m taking them two at a time.

I haven’t explicitly told her, but I am banking on her hotness being a big enough distraction to some of the higher-ups in the company to pave the way for Gilbert T. to make his meteoric rise to at least a C-suite position and eventually a Chairman Emeritus position by the time I’m 45 and live off a fat pension in Sanibel.

This ball is rolling now, Diary. Sometimes it takes a while for a lion to learn how to hunt. Lion cubs come out of the lioness’s womb, confused and unsure of where the hunt will take them. But eventually that lion cub becomes a grown ass lion, with teeth and a huge lion dong, ready to hunt down deals on the Serengeti. Diary, I am proud to say that I am that lion.

The world has no idea what I have planned for it.

Gil. Out.

Gilbert T. Humplestead, B.A.
Senior Account Director
Twyst Solutions, Inc.
humplestead@twystinc.com

“The question isn’t who is going to let me. It’s who is going to stop me.” -Ayn Rand .

Image via Netflix

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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