Dangerous Animal Of The Week: Dolphins

This is a recurring PGP series. Catch up with all installments of Dangerous Animal Of The Week by visiting the archive.


Every Thursday, we take a look at one of the most dangerous animals in the world. Avoid these gnarly creatures, and stay safe out there in the wild.

Playful squealing. Underwater acrobatics. Dan Marino. When you think about dolphins, these are the things that come to mind. They’re just precious sea angels with hearts of gold, right? Think again, friend. What if I told you that dolphins are deceptively dangerous? That they have a rapist wit and unslakable lust? Would you take me seriously? I pray to God Almighty that you do.


What is so scary about a damn dolphin?

With hundreds of pounds of muscle, rows of sharp teeth, and the ability to swim at speeds of up to 20 miles per hour when they’re giving it their all, dolphins are formidable killing machines. Most idiot humans spend their time worrying about sharks or jellyfish, but, in truth, ruthless gangs of rapist dolphins are the real terrors of the ocean. Traveling in packs of anywhere from just a few to over one-thousand strong, they roam in search of food and holes to fill.

They are sexual and violent. Deviants of the deep. It has been said that some male dolphins will actually murder their own babies just to make the female dolphins want to mate again. Is there a more sociopathic thought that can enter a living creature’s mind? “She loves babies, and babies come from sex, so if I kill these babies, she’ll want to to make the sex again.” Very disturbing, indeed.

Particularly horny male dolphins have even been known to isolate a female and starve her until she participates in intercourse. That’s right — they deprive the babes of food until the babes agree to bone. Absolutely deplorable. Did I mention they can stay awake for five days straight with practically no loss of mental sharpness? Do you have any idea how much sexual assault you can commit in five days if you don’t need sleep?


They also participate in gang rape. Two or three males will single out a female and force themselves upon her, sometimes for days or even weeks at a time. If she tries to escape, they chase her down, make terrifying noises and rough her up, slapping her around with their tails to keep her in line. Fucking savages.

On top of all that, dolphins have prehensile penises. This means their dongs are capable of grasping things, almost like a monkey’s tail. They can grab things with their dicks! I pity the fool that buys into dolphin stereotypes like cuteness and laughter and cuddling when in reality they’re nothing more than randy water perverts. They’ll come for you, too. Dolphins have been known to get all kinds of frisky with humans. Their desire knows no bounds of species or sexual orientation.

What should I do if I encounter a dolphin?

Close your mouth, squeeze your cheeks tight, and relocate yourself to dry land as quickly as possible. The last thing you want is to spend the rest of your life waking up in the middle of the night screaming because you were violated by Flipper.

Where are all the celebrity tweets decrying dolphins for their heinous acts? How come there are no anti-dolphin protests when they behave in such a vile manner? It’s time to acknowledge dolphins as the sexual predators of the sea, and treat them as such.

Check out last week’s dangerous animal, driver ants


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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.

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