Common Workplace Hacks

Common Workplace Hacks

After you spend a few months getting acquainted, finding special places at work can be loads of fun/a way to keep yourself from going insane. Sometimes these are useful, like Hogwarts passages for times when your bowels strike at an inopportune moment (I know of at least one bathroom on each floor). Other times, they are for enjoyment or a place to escape the stagnant work day or avoid that annoying geriatric with halitosis that no one seems to know what he does (other than make a lot more money than you to sleep in his office).

The Batcave

This is my crapper of choice. It has all of the necessities: access to WiFi, double ply toilet paper (not that 1-foot in diameter industrial TP), an out-of-the-way location, and one stall. I’ve never seen anyone really use it and it is always sparkly clean for my morning fax to Cleveland. Keeping this toilet a secret has been a deep concern of mine, and I approach it with caution so I don’t give away my position. I consider trips to my hidden temple to be the crux of my morning.

Machine That Accepts Nickels As Quarters

The guy that trained me told me about this glorious machine right before he left to bigger and brighter things. Apparently, this info has been passed down and I am the third receiver of this information. For some reason, this vending machine, which looks like James Cameron hauled it up from the Titanic, accepts your metal Jefferson instead of a Washington. Paying 30 cents for the delicious Mystic Mountain Blueberry Powerade to heal your Monday hangover is a lot more fulfilling than the highway robbery they charge.

Unassuming Doorway to Freedom

Sometimes it’s nice to duck out early. Even though I beat my boss to work on a regular basis, I don’t want her to see me leave. I discovered this wonderful treasure trove following the IT people (gatekeepers of the workplace) for one of the five false fire alarms that happen every month. The door looks like a door to an office or lab but is really a hidden passageway to happy hour. While it does lead you out past the trash, I no longer have to answer questions about work, meetings or have my boss see me leave.

Dual Monitor Action

Sometimes, there is no work to be done. My cubicle has my back to the hallway, and on days when my boss isn’t wearing high heels, she can sneak up on me like a ninja from feudal Japan. While I’m sure everyone does this, it is important to “fake it till you make it” and always look busy. Keeping that article or spreadsheet up maintains the illusion that work is being done.

Befriend IT And Custodial Staff

This should be common sense, but just in case, these are the people to be friends with. Ever lock yourself out of the office? Ask either of these wonderful people. A simple “thank you” when the janitors haul away your trash and exchanging brief pleasantries goes a long way. If you ever need new software, computer problems, or spill coffee on your keyboard and need a new one, the IT people will make your fallen keyboard disappear and replace it with a new one from their vast storage room.

In the comments, I invite you to please share your workplace safe places, secrets, hacks etc. We’re all fighting the good fight, and you can count as continuing education.

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I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.

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