Closing The Deal While You’re Home For The Holidays

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He was four feet from the edge of the wooden bar; an occupied bar stool stood between him and his next drink. He awkwardly tried to work himself closer to the bar in an attempt to gain the bartender’s attention. In the process, he unexpectedly struck up conversation with the hot number sitting on the bar stool. She was gorgeous: wavy blonde hair, kind blue eyes, and fair-skinned with a cute nose. Furthermore, she had just graduated from a top public university and recently began her career as a financial analyst. Not only was she the full package aesthetically, but she was actually doing something with her life. He had to find a way to seal the deal and take her home.

It was half past midnight on December 24th. The alcohol was flowing, and the celebration of the holiday season – and associated time off work – was under way. He and some and of his friends from high school had gotten together for a small reunion. The “choice” of venue was one of the dozen or less bars in the downtown district of his medium-sized hometown.

36 hours prior, he made the journey home for the holidays.

When he arrived at his parents’ house, he was greeted by the loving affection of his family’s dog: a friendship he missed but a responsibility he was not yet willing to take on in his mid-twenties. His salutations with his parents were abruptly interrupted by his mother’s inquisitive questions and the subsequent, vague answers he had to develop on the spot. To his father, a simple “hello” and a few exchanges regarding the upcoming college football bowl games sufficed.

The first night back in town, he decided to spend at home. He knew it was the right thing to do, spending time with his family, but he also knew that this would seal his fate of a boring night in. Nonetheless, how bad could a boring night in truly be? It would provide him the rest he needed, and he didn’t have to work in the morning, so it was what it was, he figured. A couple hours into the night, however, he was already texting his friends, making plans for the next evening.

Now here he was: he found himself talking to the girl of his dreams, a real life 9/10 – she was someone for him to wife up… but first, she was someone for him to see what she looks like underneath her off-white, smocked off-the-shoulder Tory Burch dress. Two obstacles stood between him and his goal.

He could tell she was interested – they’d been talking by themselves for 45 minutes. He was confident that she’d be coming home with him tonight. The first obstacle was cleared from his path.

However, a little dilemma that he had kept in the back of his mind was approaching the forefront. What would he say to her when he took her home?

“So, I feel like we’ve really hit it off tonight, and I was wondering if you’d want to come home with me to my parents’ house? Have you seen Narcos before? It’s a really romantic show. We could watch it on Netflix and chill-in-my-childhood-room-that-my-parents-turned-into-an-office.”

How to deal with this obstacle would prove more demanding.

Luckily, he was smart on his feet, and he devised a full-proof plan to solve his predicament. He would ask her if she wanted to go back to her apartment and watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians or some other terrible E! show that he guessed girls typically watch.

After a couple of minutes of hinting around, he worked up the courage to ask her if she wanted to go back to her apartment, but her response was a conflicting one: it was both what he wanted to hear and what he did not want to hear at the time.

“My apartment’s pretty messy right now. My roommates and I are in the process of redecorating it – kind of a long story. But I’d be down to go to your place.”

He debated in his mind whether he should get a room at the Hilton or if Airbnb even accepted reservations this late. But after his internal discussion, he concluded he had face the facts: he was bringing a one night stand home to his parents’ house.

He truthfully replied, “So I don’t know if I already told you this, but I’m back in town for Christmas, which means I’m staying at my parents’ house for the next few days. If it’s fine with you, I’ll order an Uber and can get going.”

She responded in the affirmative, and he ordered an Uber.

Although he knew his parents wouldn’t care, and although his parents had caught him and his then-girlfriend in high school, he still felt unsettled given the situation. He was bringing a random girl he had just met at the bar home to a place he hadn’t lived at for more than two consecutive weeks since he was 18. He was afraid his mother would no longer think of him as the patron saint he wasn’t, and he was scared his dad would make smart-ass remarks and awkward dad jokes for years to come.

Within 15 minutes, they arrived at their destination. They drunkenly walked up to the front door, and he quietly slipped the key into the keyhole. They were in. He guided her through the entrance, to the stairs, and around the corner to his bedroom. Before he could even ask her if she preferred comedies or dramas, she made the first move, and the action got going.

Seemingly the sweat and sound of young love was too overwhelming because apparently he had forgotten to completely shut his bedroom door. The next thing they knew, the family husky had gained access to the room, and confused by the commotion, began to howl uncontrollably. They tried their best to shush the dog, but their attempts to docile the beast were futile. Suddenly the lights were on in the upstairs hall, and suddenly the voices of a male and female could be heard approaching.

Completely aware of their impending fate, they quickly grabbed as much clothing as they could and got dressed. The door had been left wide open due to the dog, who was still barking loudly and rapidly, so he lacked the option to tell his parents not to come in.

“What the hell are you doing to my patron saint of a son, you skank!” His mother yelled.

His father took the opposite approach. “Hell yeah, son. She’s a real 9/10. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t wear protection with her.” His father then leaned in for a high five, but, mortified beyond belief, he did not reciprocate, leaving his dad hanging, like Tom Brady on the New England sideline.

With his balls now inflated and blue, he didn’t know what to do, except wish was any place but there. Even chilling backstage with Steve Harvey last Sunday would’ve been a more appealing situation. His parents returned to their room, and the gorgeous blonde called her roommate for a ride. It looked like he’d have to give himself a high five to finish the night.

But not all was lost. Before she left, she gave him her number. He didn’t plan on ever texting her and reliving the horrors of the night, but maybe, just maybe, the two would run into each other again at the bars the next time he’s home and share a couple of awkward glances and uncomfortable hellos before trying to avoid each other the rest of the night..

Image via Shutterstock

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Chit Chat

After a 1.5 year victory lap at the University of Florida, Chit Chat has spent every day since contemplating life as a bartender on an obscure beach while he sits at his desk in his office in Tampa, Florida. Hobbies include writing, drinking, complaining, spending money he doesn't have, undergoing therapy at the church of weight lifting, and "consulting", whatever that means.