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Chatbots Can Now Close Deals, Will Soon Be Able To Steal Your Girlfriend

Chatbots Can Now Close Deals, Will Soon Be Able To Steal Your Girlfriend

Raise your hand if your job title contains any of the following words, “Account,” “Sales,” or “Inside Marketing.” Congratulations, you’re about to lose your job to a chatbot. Also, put your hand down, everyone in the cubicle farm is staring at you. According to Facebook’s Artificial Intelligence Research Lab (something that you should be terrified to find out exists), researchers have “demonstrated a new way of training chatbots to negotiate on behalf of users… during a testing phase, the bots were often mistaken for humans…without any human direction, the bots developed nuanced negotiation strategies.”

Well, that says it all. It’s time to pack up and switch fields because robots have officially taken over the sales department. And since most jobs (and life), essentially boil down to sales, we’re all fucked. Now, to be fair, the technology is not perfect yet. Chatbots only performed well in very simple negotiations, and their scope is fairly limited. Can they forge personal connections like we can? No. Can they look someone in the eye and give them a firm, honest handshake? Not yet. Did any of the chatbots suggest meeting at a strip club to make a client feel at ease? Of course not. Not yet. If you know how quickly technology progresses, however, I’m sure that we’re running out of time until they teach themselves to be as good or better than humans.

This is just the beginning. Sometime in the near future, AI chatbots will have the capability to schmooze clients, expense lavish meals to corporate credit cards, and act like douchebags while wearing $200 Cole Haan deal sleds. Cocky chatbots will start texting your girlfriend to brag about their company Amex card, and using their strategy programming, which includes “how to deceive one another as a method of negotiation,” steal her right out from under you. You’re going to come home one day after getting fired for not outperforming a fucking robot at work and walk in on another one banging your girl. Wake up, sheeple. The revolution is now. I’m buying a baseball bat and preemptively destroying everything I own that beeps.

[via The Verge]

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Nick Arcadia

The opposite of a life coach. Email me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com

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