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Bougie activities are my middle name. My bread and butter. Or should I say, my homemade paleo bread and pasteurized ghee. There’s some sort of weird high I get by only shopping at boutiques that have the words “cupcake,” “frosting,” “hummingbird,” or “almond” in them. Or by drinking frosé all year round and microblading making my face bleed like Kardashians. But if there is one bougie activity that I absolutely loathe, from the deepest crevices of my icy heart, it’s skiing.
Real talk here: only privileged people ski. But only privileged people eat fish eggs and teach their offspring to suppress their feelings, so it’s not totally uncanny for the top 1% to do weird, masochistic shit. So I guess it makes sense they think shoe-sledding down icy, rocky mountains in sub-zero temperatures is “fun.”
Let’s break it down.
First, is the absolutely astronomical amount of money being spent on the entire excursion. You obviously buy the good gloves for a mere $80, knowing good and well they won’t keep your hands warm – by any stretch of the definition. Then come the snow pants that will put you down an additional $300. Don’t fret though, the biggest camel toe known to the modern world comes free with purchase. You’ll dig up a teal neckwarmer from the good old middle school days convince yourself that it will be good enough for a weekend despite being stained with blood and smelling like wet clothes lost in a hamper for two months. But then you’re reminded the type of people you’re skiing with and begrudgingly order a Canada Goose Neck Gaitor that’ll rid you of another $60.
And that’s only the clothing. After spending all of your mental capacity and patience trying to load 21 days worth of luggage into a Suburban, you finally get to the mountain. And once you’ve made it there, it takes roughly seven hours to park and walk to the lodge. You have a silent panic attack after paying $85 for a lift ticket and make your way to the rental shop, knowing good and well the hell that awaits.
The only thing worse than waiting in line for rental equipment is putting on your rental boots. It takes full-body strength, heavy contortionism, and a teardrop from a virgin to get your foot into that boot. And once it’s there, there is still an 80 percent chance you have the wrong boot size and will have to get back in line.
After three back and forth trips to the counter, you make your way outside and begin to actually freeze. First, it’s a toe, then a thumb, and then your already-dripping nose. You get on the chairlift via the singles lane because all of your friends have ditched you by now, and ride up in #style with three 7-year-old girls in pink and lime green snow pants. The chairlift takes it’s sweet ol’ time crawling up the mountain, as you pretend not to notice how your $70 SmartWool socks are already chaffing on your ankles.
By the time you reach the top of the mountain, you realize you took the Black chairlift up instead of the Blue. And you have to pee. A perfect combination for a beginner-intermediate skier with a zest for life. Your options are Double Black Diamond Option #1 (Moguls), Double Black Diamond #2 (Trees) or Double Black Diamond Option #3 (Straight Drop). And of course, all of the runs have idiotic names like Bagel Bowl, Devil’s Crotch and Organ Grinder. You kiss your balls goodbye and pizza-french fries your way to the start of the slope.
Upon reaching the base after a few runs, you’ve been cut off by nearly 15 snowboarders and are ready to declare gangland warfare. You also now need knee surgery as you stomp like a Thor-Hulk-Kong baby up the stairs to the lodge. You’re sweating from heat but also freezing cold, with a throat so dry you can’t speak. As you reach for your pants pocket, you realize you forgot to zip it shut before going up on the lift the last time. You leave the lodge, absolutely defeated from life – shivering, afraid, and without your $19 burger.
So next time, page me for the après ski. If you need me, I’ll be in the lodge, cuddled up next to the fire, watching The Parent Trap on my iPad. RIP Natasha Richardson, RIP. .
Respond
“I hate skiing because I don’t have my own gear, don’t understand maps, and don’t actually know how to ski”
Enjoy your cupcakes and rosé.
This is a bad take
Thank you
Counterpoint: It’s actually really fun if you’re even decent at skiing.
And it can be pretty cheap if you buy used skis and don’t spend $300 on ski pants
I’ve been skiing since I was one of those children on the leash circa 1992, and the best ski pants I’ve owned are my $25 ones from Amazon. Perfect with a good set of long johns underneath and a quick spray of water-proofer.
Exactly, I use $35 ski pants from Walmart
I got my Columbia pants and jacket for about $200 total and they are super warm and waterproof for last three seasons. No regrets on not shelling out more.
Right? This is just saying “my basicness wasn’t appreciated on the mountain”
Whoa. This take makes Duda seem like a sane person
1- Don’t rent at the resort, rent at one of the shops at the base of the mountain. They’re local, they know what they’re doing, and they’re a hell of a lot cheaper.
2- You don’t need top of the line gear, buy stuff at Costco, it works just as well.
3- Read a damn map. You’re an adult, be responsible for where you go. Ask a lifty or ski patrol if you don’t.
4- If you don’t want to drop $150+ on a lift ticket ski the local, small mountains.
5- Your friends ditched you because you didn’t stop bitching. Enjoy your frosé.
Made an account to say this is a top-3 worst take of all time on the site. Likely the absolute worst.
Same, millennials need to chill with the bitching
Sweet!! One less person that causes a cluster fuck on the lifts.
As an aspiring upper middle class individual skiing is something I really want to learn.
Only takes a solid 30-45 mins to actually get it down. 100% won’t regret it.
If you french fry when you mean to pizza, you’re gonna have a bad time.
I just got into skiing a couple years ago as an adult and it’s been one of the best decisions I’ve made. Invest in a lesson or two, it’s totally worth it.
Former instructor here, Skiing is hard to get the basics, but easy to master. Invest in a few Classes (or buy a instructor/former instructor friend a pass and beer, cheaper then a private lesson, but we won’t get mad at you) and away you go. Also, know your limits (talking to you snowboarders going down on their butts,) up a hill down a skill as they say.
Saw this headline and immediately knew you were gonna get roasted in the comments (and rightfully so). Also, there is no better beer than the first cold one in the hot tub after a day on the slopes
I’m a firm believer that any beer-moment is as good as another. Congrats on the beer.
Awful take.