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Can We All Admit That Morning Sex Is Awful?

Can We All Admit That Morning Sex Is Awful?

Let me paint you a picture. Your eyes flutter open as you slowly awaken from a restful night’s sleep. Soft light pours through your white curtain and a warm breeze fills the room. As you lie there, content and sunken into the soft embrace of your king-sized bed, you hear the sounds of waves crashing outside and the smell of lavender and roses waft past your nostrils.

You feel a stirring at your side, and turn your head to gaze deeply into the eyes of a beautiful man/woman (whichever you prefer. Or both, go crazy) You pull them close to you and run your hands over their soft skin as you feel the warmth of their kiss on your lips. You engage in a romantic, sensual, hour-long lovemaking session that leaves you both drenched with sweat, tangled in each other’s arms and basking in the warmth of a new day started right.

Doesn’t that sound nice? Wouldn’t that be a great start to your day? Are you unnecessarily turned on at work right now? Yes it does, yes it would, and yes you are. Good. I’m glad, because that’s nothing like how morning sex actually goes. The reality is something much worse.

You wake up after a shitty six hours of sleep to the blaring of your iPhone. You’ve sweat through your pillow and your back is killing you from that damn Ikea mattress you’ve had for far too long. As you contemplate the pros and cons of just quitting your job for one more hour of sleep, you get a glimpse of your partner lying naked in the bed next to you. Suddenly, work is no longer on your mind, and you decide to get a little morning nookie in. You shake them awake more roughly than you intended, and when their eyes pop open, you seductively whisper in their ear. Or rather, you try to, but since your vocal chords haven’t warmed up yet, you end up rasping “I want you” before coughing a few times to get your voice back.

They’re annoyed and grossed out by you, but somehow, they decide they also want to partake in some bed cardio. They look at you seductively (or as seductively as anyone encrusted with eye-boogers can look), and whisper back, “OK, but we have to make it fast or we’re going to be late to work.” And they say romance isn’t dead. You pull them in for a kiss before immediately recoiling from each other’s morning breath, especially since one of you (not pointing fingers) didn’t brush their teeth after eating garlic bread as a late-night snack. You pause momentarily, think about suggesting you brush your teeth, but give up when you realize that if the moment passes, you’ll both decide you need to get ready for work instead. You power through with some half-assed pecks before kissing sensually down their neck, if only to avoid the stench of their mouths.

After some half-assed foreplay in which neither party even attempts to go down on the other (if you think your breath smells bad, take a sniff under the covers), you achieve penetration. At this point, you both know your heart isn’t in it, but you’ve come too far to not come. You power ahead with some standard missionary and half-assed dirty talk while you try not to think about your presentation today, or the fact that you’re going to be super late for work. If you’re female, there’s no chance of an orgasm. If you’re male, this will be the longest you’ve ever lasted. Finally, one of you will break. “Babe, I’m sorry, but I can’t be late again. Can we pick this up tonight?” You’ll agree to get saucy together that evening, and untangle yourselves, mutually dissatisfied and now in a rush to get ready. Congratulations, you achieved the worst type of sex- morning sex.

Sure, in theory it sounds great. You get to start the day off with a bang and have a warm glow follow you around all day. Subconsciously or not, everyone’s number one goal of the day is to get laid, and when you cross that off the list early, even the worst day won’t suck that bad. Except it will, because morning sex is the worst. You both smell bad, look bad, and taste bad. Your joints and muscles haven’t been warmed up yet, so the only position you can attempt without injury is classic missionary. Foreplay is out, due to the aforementioned odors and flavors. You’re both distracted by the ticking clock looming in your head, counting down the seven minutes you have until you’re both late for work. If it’s a weekend, don’t lie, you’re too hungover for sex right after awakening. Wait a couple hours, get some food in you, then think about it.

Take the better course of action. When you wake up all horned up, use that to fuel you throughout the day. Let your partner know they’ve got you turned on. Send some risky nudes. Sext during a boring meeting. Build up the tension until that night, when you’ve actually got the time to do prepare and do things right. Or just ignore your instincts and have lackluster 6 a.m. sex while you both try not to think of your boss or breathe through your noses.

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Nick Arcadia

The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com

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