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My messenger bag fell limp on the floor. The strap that once laid across my chest was darker than normal, and I suddenly felt my shirt clinging to my shoulders. I looked to my right and felt the dampness from my collar on my neck. Are you fucking kidding me, I thought to myself.
I had just made the walk from our commuter lot to the side entrance of our office, and up one flight of stairs. I consider myself of average, dare I say, relatively athletic health. This trek shouldn’t take more than 5 minutes, and it’s not difficult. Yet there I was, staring at myself in the office bathroom mirror wiping my chest with paper towels in an attempt to look presentable.
It’s not just the walk from the parking lot to the office that makes me drip sweat these days. It’s the trip around the corner to the taco shop around the corner, or to the Blue Line stop 10 minutes away. Shit, even when I wake up in the morning my sheets look similar to used Taco Bell wrappers.
A lot of people say that Chicago summers make up for the winters. In some ways, they’re right. When the winter lasts into mid-March, you get sick of it. But honestly, for all the hype it gets, summer kind of sucks.
Think about it: when someone says that summer is their favorite season, what reasons do they usually list? That it’s more of a laid back vibe? They’ve clearly never curled up with a book on a chilly fall day. Outdoor drinking? Tailgating, bonfires, and ski slopes. Warm weather? Look, as a person who is their best self when they’re wearing jeans, it’s really hard for me to get hyped about anything over 76 degrees. Plus, when you have to start factoring humidity into how miserable you’re going to be that day, it’s hard to argue this as a point for the affirmative.
Note: I’m not saying that winter is any better on that last note. Factoring in wind chill to what you have to wear is the absolute worst. That being said, you can always put on more blankets/jackets. Can’t get more naked than naked.
Patio drinking is fun, there’s no denying that. But honestly, doesn’t it get a little draining? I mean, literally draining. Having a vodka soda on the bar’s patio or rooftop is fun…until you step into the bathroom and see that awkward boob sweat you have as a man. Suddenly, you’re feeling a little more self conscious when talking to the cute bartender and are starting to wonder how everyone else is looking so dry.
On top of that, there’s the whole factor of feeling like you have to get in shape for 4 months out of the year. What’s the point of spending October through May wearing loose fitting, heavy clothing, only to have to shed that all off to bare your nasty ass Michelin Man body from June to September? Honestly, I went to the beach once so far this year, and I’m convinced that summer was a concept created by big fitness in order to get more people buying weight loss supplements. It’s like somehow even the out of shape people looked incredible while I, someone who runs regularly, posted up in the corner looking sad.
And so with that, I’m done with summer. I’m done with the sweat, done with the beach, done with the awkward reflection of the sun in my eyes because of the angle that it’s hitting the back of my sunglasses while I’m trying to drink a beer. Just to be clear: just because I say I’m “done” with these things doesn’t mean I’m actually done with them. I’m going to keep doing them for the time being, but I’m not going to like it.
Fall can’t get here soon enough, with its mild weather and evenings that pair well with Death Cab For Cutie albums. Bring on the winter months, with your delicious peppermint drinks and office gift exchanges. Spring’s too far away, and I usually get allergies around that time of year. Let’s get through these next two seasons first..
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Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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Fall is the best season. Hands down.
Summer doesn’t even crack the top 50% of seasons.
I’ve always been in the minority with my opinion, but I love everything about summer. Lake days, music festivals, longer/brighter days, BASEBALL. I love the heat. I hate being cold more than anything in my life. The less clothes I can wear, the happier I am. I hate wearing layers and “chilly fall nights.” Don’t get me wrong, I like the activities of fall, but I’d rather sit around a bonfire in shorts and flip flops than jeans and boots.
Can’t “nice work” this enough
Completely agree. The “longer days” argument is really underrated. Glad to see some other people share my enthusiasm for summer.
Came here just to defend summer, can’t agree enough. Yea fall brings a lot, and maybe you don’t love summer if you live in an awful part of the country where it doesn’t offer much, but for those of us near a coast, or lake, or beach, it can’t be beat. And I too like hanging out naked. Sup?
I feel like you live somewhere without crippling heat and humidity. Meanwhile I’ll tell you to kindly keep that positive attitude to yourself from my 100 degree patch of shade in Louisiana.
Ohio
I’d enjoy summer in Ohio too
To be fair this summer hasn’t been too bad in southeastern LA since it’s rained nearly every single day.
The start of fall signals the Lake season coming to an end and that simply is not something I can look forward to…however there is football season
Name checks out
This is exactly what I’ve been trying to explain to my friends the past few weeks. October is the best: football, beer, warm blankets, cracked window for the breeze, scary movies. Only 2 months to go.
I want to be excited for football season but I’m a Bears fan. They only happiness I’ll get this season is watching the Lions lose
I’m a Ravens fan, biggest excitement for me will be if we don’t lose to the redskins again this year…
Get excited. They don’t play each other.
Fellow ravens fan here. Did you see the new Jumbo-trons they just installed at M&T?
Nah man, Trubisky is clearly gonna carry
Additionally, fall brings us one step closer to winter when all insects die and go to their respective corners of hell.
Slow your role, Charlie. I’m livin an endless summer.
I’m sticking to it that I meant role. Not roll.
I always felt like the four seasons exist in halves, with 8 seasons of varying value. Early summer? Amazing. Early fall? Heaven on earth. Late summer? Gets exhausting. Late winter? Depression. Early spring? Vile, ugly, cold, wet brown slush hell. Fuck you, early spring.
Messenger bag? Who are you, Indiana Jones?
It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
After the 4th of July, summer is overrated.
This is the correct answer. Same goes for winter after Christmas.
So like 4 days?
Hunting/football season, better beers, and FLANNEL
I look forward to September 1st more than I do Christmas