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Bracketology Around the Office

The Sherpa

This guy was once deep in the sports betting game. Backroom deals, house markers, hundreds of thousands of dollars bet on college basketball. He earned his bankroll by laying a $20 bet on George Mason to make the Final Four in 2006. Fucker brought home 25 grand off the bet alone. He lost it all last year, though. He foolishly and uncharacteristically bet the house on Missouri to make the national championship game, but they lost to Norfolk State in the first round and he lost it all. House, cars, wife and kids packed up and moved to Montana. But he’s the one to go to if you’ve got a question. You’ve heard him cursing under his breath as terrible bets are made around the office. The office vets go to him in their time of need to pick his brain. Be wary, he still suffers from post-traumatic stress syndrome from his ill-fated Mizzou bet. Some speculate that he may have lost his edge.

The Know-It-All

This Joe Lunardi-wannabe has been popping his mouth off all winter, coming up with mock brackets ever since November. Constantly annoying you with emails after every Big Monday game and conference tournament final, this guy just won’t shut up. Yeah, he knows as much as every other guy, but he thinks he’s special since he just launched a WordPress blog so he could share his nonsense with the internet. It’s gotten a few hits, but there are just enough idiots out there to read his stuff and pump his ego. His North Carolina-Kentucky-Texas-UCLA Final Four pick from six months ago is looking real strong considering two of those teams aren’t even in the tournament this year. He’ll drawl on for hours about his multiple brackets, while you wonder how the hell this guy gets any work done with all the brackets he’s allegedly filled out. He’ll probably get lucky on one and win some ESPN contest, giving him just enough credibility to not be completely written off.

The Expert

He’s spent hours and hours pouring over spreadsheets, mid-major conference standings, head-to-head matchups and ESPN Insider articles. He’s the office college basketball expert and everyone knows it. He calls upsets weeks in advance and wins the office pool nearly every year. He has a staunch no-betting policy, but could probably make a fortune making odds in Vegas. Don’t even try to go to this guy for advice as he treats his bracket like a high-level intel report at Langley. There’s little hope for anyone else in the office. He holds the edge and knows it. If anyone beats him, he takes it personally. When he lost the office bracket pool in 2011, he didn’t show up to work for two days. Some around the office think he took some PTO and headed south of the border for a 48-hour bender. He returned with a vengeance last year, finishing in the top 50 of the ESPN bracket challenge and handily winning the office pool.

The Upset Lover

Most days, he’s found going cubicle to cubicle, talking about sports, especially if it involves division three basketball. He loves his tiny division three Alma Mater, and loves to root for the underdog. He knows his stuff well enough and lives for March Madness. He gets excited for upsets, buzzer beaters and loves, absolutely LOVES Clark Kellogg. The only problem is he loves the upset a little too much. He’s got Belmont, Valparaiso, Davidson and South Dakota State in his Final Four. He even bought a Lehigh mouse pad after they beat Duke in the first round last year. He won the office pool two years ago after picking Butler and VCU to make the Final Four. Son of a bitch pulled it off then and refuses to change his stripes.

The Dad

He’s lost interest in sports since becoming a family man, having to worry about being a breadwinner instead of spending his nights keeping up on how the college basketball season is going. But he knows enough to fill out a decent bracket. He might approach you with questions like “What about North Carolina? They got that guy who used to coach at Kansas, right?” or might wonder why he can’t find Kentucky on his bracket. His Final Four will be all the one seeds and he’ll rarely pick an upset. He knows that his knowledge can‘t match up with the rest of the office, so he follows the path of least resistance. He might even bring the bracket home to let the wife and kids have a crack at it for a fun, little family-building exercise. Hopefully the money holder will be able to read his kids’ handwriting.

The Girls

You want bracket pool busters? Sometimes the easiest way to pick your brackets is the way the girls around the office do it. Thinking it’s a fun way to build office camaraderie and earn some respect amongst the office males, these ladies will pick their brackets by school colors, mascots, which school has the cutest alumni or what towns they visited in college. Most times, they’re right. While everyone else is over thinking their picks, they’re Google-ing which American Idol cast members attended college. Prepare yourself for complete emasculation, as these bracket busters will likely take home the gigantic money pot, leaving you to question everything you think you know about sports. She picked Pacific to beat Miami (FL) because “Boxers are cute dogs and hurricanes hurt people.”

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TheChampionsTour

TheChampionsTour (@ChampsTourTFM) is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems, Rowdy Gentleman, and Total Frat Move .

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