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I didn’t want to drink this past weekend. But as it goes, when you stay in on Friday night and hit the ground running on Saturday, well, you’re bound to slip up and get hammered. And get hammered I did.
Luckily, yesterday was a big day not just for me but for Sunday Scaries in general. Yes, the first episode of The Sunday Scaries Podcast launched on Grandex Labs. And yes, you can also listen to it on SoundCloud as well.
Go ahead, press play. Let it run while you read this column.
See, doesn’t that feel great? Soothing? Relaxing? Tune in for the next few Sundays on Grandex Labs before it hits its own feed.
Alright, let’s get down to it. As always, all of these worst weekend stories are presented to you unedited in their original form. You can send your own to email@example.com and we can all enjoy the mayhem together.
Girl that I have been dating for 3 months told me she loved me on Friday night. I have only known her for 5 months total. IMO this is too early to know if you love someone. My response, “Thank you. I feel the same way towards you, sometimes.”
If you think you had a bad weekend, imagine being on the receiving end of a “I feel the same way torwards you, sometimes.” She’s in full panic mode.
Girl I’ve been hooking up with for the past 4 months called to inform me she just found out she has herpes. Sunday scaries at an all time high as I go get tested tomorrow. T’s and P’s appreciated.
I, uh, yeah, I don’t know, man. You probably have herpes. I’d try to sugarcoat it but I think you’re just a herpes guy now so let’s move on.
Damn. I can’t believe it took me this long to write this. I’ve had this one in my sleeve for a while and now I know that this will do for my first ever story for this column.
A couple years back I flew down to Brazil, as I usually do, for my family’s yearly beach house vacation where all of my 300,000+ relatives get together and just have a fun time. This specific year was special because it was my grandpa’s 90th birthday. So, like any other South American family, my relatives decide to go above and beyond on this party. Open bar of the best liquors, unlimited food, live bands, DJs, hundreds of guests, etc. The whole 9 yards.
I was in my early 20s at the time, had just came out of college (and of a shitty relationship), so I’m taking full advantage of the open bar. The scotch is flowing like water and I’m getting faded together with all my degenerate cousins. Now, for the whole party I see this older woman (in her late 40s, maybe 50) who apparently had an eye on me, according to my drunk cousins/uncles/family friends. I shrugged it off because she was way out of league and probably married or some shit, so I didn’t really pay attention to the fact and kept on pounding liquor down. Plus it was my grandfather’s birthday, nothing could ever happen, right? Wrong.
I’m at the point of blacking out when the previously mentioned MILF comes up to me and straight up asks me if “this is going to go down or what”. I’m a little taken back by the forwardness but I’m 150% about it. She tells me to meet me in her car in 10 minutes by the corner of the house. I proceed to obviously sprint to the spot and, sure enough, there she was. We did our thing in her car and I came back to the party thinking no one had noticed anything.
Well.. it had been an hour since I had disappeared so everyone had indeed noticed I was gone. More than half of the party saw me talking to her and then both of us leaving so they took their own conclusions. Plus all of my drunk ass uncles/family friends were laughing and cheering for me when I got back, making a little more obvious to everybody else.
Now, this is where it gets.. disturbing. Upon my return I’m trying to consult with relatives that I trust as to who is this MILF that popped up in my grandpa’s 90th birthday party, because most of the people there were pretty familiar, except for her. Turns out she is my mom’s 3rd COUSIN that just moved back into town, lives with her HUSBAND just 10 minutes away, has 3 kids (the youngest is older than me), and she knew EXACTLY who I was. Safe to say the next day(s) were of pure embarrassment/disgust as everyone found out that I banged some-what-of-a relative (maybe too far away to be one? please) that was my mom’s age. Actually, scratch that, it’s been 3 years and people still remind me of that.
I’ll be forever split in between being “the man” for half of the family and the drunk degenerate for the other half. Fuck me.
Well, that’s a first. Up until now, we haven’t had an incest story on here which I consider to be a win for all of us. And then you just came along and ruined our hot streak. Look what you did, you little jerk.
But in all seriousness, this is why you don’t just go hooking up with people at family events, man. This shouldn’t have been a mindblowing revelation for you.
I had a friend who was attending a work conference in Nashville, so another friend and I went to down that Thurs-Sunday. All of us have been to music city a few times before, but never with each other. I also have failed to mention that an ex of mine moved down there recently so I don’t jump at the opportunity to go as often as it’s presented. I guess this time I just needed to escape the daily grind.
Thursday night, our conference friend (we will go with Kyle) was at a dinner so the other friend (going with Pat) and I got to drinking in the hotel and decided to meet Kyle on Broadway after the dinner. Ended up on Broad dancing away at some bar with afore mentioned ex’s brother (also lives there) and some of his friends. I lose Kyle and Pat but not to worry because one of the friends was cute and we go back to cute friend’s apartment. This leads to a heavy make out in the back of an uber, blurred memory on what actually went down at the apartment, and me calling an uber/leaving while no longer cute friend was projectile vomiting in the bathroom.
The next night we ventured out again when someone I’d met on a trip to San Diego back in November shot me a let’s meet up text. Well we go back to their hotel where I spend the night. Great time blah blah. Spend the day Day-drinking and barely make the flight home. Monday at work was hell, but not as bad as Tuesday…
When I got a text from a fling back home saying they have…. Chlamydia. SHIT. After staring at it for a few minutes with a racing mind, I’m glad I didn’t the puker’s number but how/do I share this with the meet up from San Diego? Decision was to tell the poor soul. AWK but thank god for traveling with condoms.
Damn, whole squad hooking up with family members or getting STDs this week. Maybe your way of telling San Diego this is by just hoping he reads this column.
I attended a wedding in Cincy that was on Memorial Day Monday. Flew in Sunday afternoon and chilled out hard at my friends parents’ place until the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner, which somehow I was invited to. I lucked out because the dinner was at the grooms family’s house, so I spent a whopping $0 on booze. I end up staying up until all hours of the night with the boys and was actually more drunk when I woke up than when I went to sleep. Since I wasn’t a groomsman, I buy an expensive solo Uber back to where I supposed to be staying and try to sober up before the wedding.
Fast forward, wedding was beautiful, I love weddings. The reception was at a brewery, so basically unlimited craft beers, which turned into a shit show for some people, but not me because I’m not an idiot (at least I hadn’t reached that part yet). However, since the reception ended at 10, we immediately schemed over to another bar in cincy.
Now all that is running through my mind at this point is, “well, you didn’t spend any money at bars last night, so that means you have more to spend tonight,” which is just a downright idiot mindset with into a bar.
After God knows how many shots and overpriced beers later, I go to close my THICC ass tab and about cry. Then we learn there’s a casino between us and the hotel, so we obviously go.
Less than 30 minutes after pulling up toy the casino, we’re waiting for the Uber outside having lost a substantial amount playing drunk blackjack.
Two hours of sleep later, I’m the last one to board my flight, still wearing a suit with my shirt untucked, sunglasses on, only to land at 9:30 and go to work. Needless to say, Tuesday blew fucking hard. As did Wednesday.
And the first thing my boss says to me when I walk in Tuesday, “So the wedding was fun, huh?”
Kids, don’t go to a casino browned out at 3 AM, especially when you’re not even in fucking Vegas.
Now let’s see how Austin goes this weekend.
You know Memorial Day Weekend is a big party weekend when stories are still coming in from it. If you think your Scaries were bad coming back from Cincinnati, just wait until you leave Austin. Just stay away from Dirty 6th at all costs. I warned you.
I have been a big fan of these stories for a while, I always love the way you comment on each of the stories you receive.
To give you a bit of a background I live in LA. and graduated from college a year ago so I am far from being rich.
So I have been seeing this Turkish girl for about 2 weeks and beside the fun part of it, I am not really interested into getting serious with her.
On Saturday my 2 friends and I decide to invite her and her 3 girlfriends. She also decided to bring her 2 Turkish guy friends along, so they could participate to the table (because of course, girls don’t pay!). One of the guy is the brother of the girl that I started seeing but he seemed cool.
We order two magnums of vodka and around 1am, that’s when the party starts getting a little out of control. I start making out with the girlfriend of the Turkish girl on the dancefloor thinking that nobody would see us from the table. Unfortuntaly, when i come back the brother did not appear to be so cool anymore and started threatening me and being protective about her sister (which I respect). Of course my guy friends started defending and it leaded into a fight at the club resulting having everyone being kicked out except me and my other friend.
Its now 4am and I am calling my bank because I owe the club $2000 for a table that was $3000. My friend was able to cover $1000 but everybody left and no one is responding their phone.
I don’t think anyone will pay me back any time soon and im late on my rent… Should I call my parents??
Love that you hit us with a “far from being rich” only to end up getting a $3,000 table at a club drinking magnum bottles of vodka. Wild move but one that I almost respect. I’d love to hear how this shakes out.
Also, is it the move to get kicked out of the club before the tab comes? I think that’s all I’m going to do from here forward. “Oh, sorry I didn’t chip in for our massive tab, the bouncer kicked me out.”
Never submitted a story even though I do dumb stuff every weekend. I work at a bank so that means I work one Saturday a month from 8-12. I got invited to come over and drink and watch movies with this girl I was talking to so I figured why not. Well it’s 3am, I’m hammered and in no shape to drive home. I wake up at 545 to get my car to drive home and find out it got towed. Supposedly visitors hve to park in visitor designated parking spots and I was one spot away from those, which just proves tow truck companies have no soul. The girl drives me home and gets in an accident on the way there. Now I’m on the side of the highway at 6am waiting for the police to come etc. I finally get home at 7, but my work is an hour away and I have no car and the branch can’t open without me. My roommate offered to drive me there but with no ride home, no uber in town to take me (it’s a small town in Ohio) I am $150 in the hole by 7:30 in the morning. Also I’m still devastated by Anthony Bourdain. Overall scaries at an all time high.
Sounds like the towing was a blessing because if you were hammered at 3 a.m., there was no way you were magically sober enough to drive home at 5:45 a.m. $150 for towing is much better than the ten grand you’d have to pay for a DUI.
Just got back from a 2 week European vacation Thursday night, dreading my work inbox Monday morning. Also my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me last night. I’m having scaries at 7:30 am on a Saturday.
Just delete every email and show up saying, “Sup, what’d I miss?” If anything was super important, they’ll follow up.
I honestly did not ever think I would have a story good enough to submit here. I’ve had my moments, but nothing I thought was worth submitting. However, I now have the worst kind of story. The scaries that happen when you’re sober. I was driving to Atlanta for a sports conference that I was attending in hopes of networking. I have family in Atlanta, so I am going to stay with them for the weekend. Once I am almost in Atlanta, the maps app decides to tell me to cut time off my drive. This sounds good, so I click ok. I don’t realize that this sends me straight through the city, instead of taking the Atlanta Bypass. I would end up regretting this decision. As soon as I take the exit to drive through the city, my stomach starts churning. I have to use the restroom and it needs to be soon. However, I do not have the option. The traffic is excruciating and I am holding it as best as I can. Somehow, I make it out of the city and drive to the first exit I see and type in closest gas station. At this point the stomach cramps are brutal and I can’t see myself holding it in any longer. The nearest gas station is 8 minutes away and I’m about to bust. Just my luck, I get stuck at the red light where I am supposed to take a U-turn. I start to feel tiny craps squirting out of me and I know I have to make a decision. I don’t wait to make I proper u turn, and just desperately turn as soon as I traffic clears behind a line of cars. Unfortunately, it’s too late and I shit my pants. Incredibly embarrassed and EXTREMELY LUCKY I had my suitcase in my front seat, I go to the back of a Best Buy by the dumpster and change pants. Unfortunately, in panic mode I get the shit on other clothes too. Finally, I somewhat gracefully place the shit clothes in the back without getting anything in the car really dirty, as it’s mostly just a semi fluid pile in my shorts that I somehow didn’t spill. I go to a gas station to shamefully clean up and call my uncle on the way to their house to ask for him to be prepared with a bag and cleaning supplies. It was certainly the worst car ride I’ve ever had in my life. Lesson learned: Don’t eat late night Waffle House before you have to take a long drive.
Oh no. No no no no no no no.
This could happen to anyone, folks. Though, I really don’t think the move was keeping the clothes when you were right there by the dumpster. The soiled clothes are forever tainted and you’re going to think about this instance every single time you put them back on.
Writing to you from my own personal hell. I have been at a conference for work for the past week in Porto, Portugal. Everything was going fine until the final “dinner” last night. I say “dinner” in quotes because as it turns out, there was very little food. But lots of wine. And my boss kept bringing me more wine. I ended up sleeping through my alarm and missing my 7 am flight (I did not book this flight btw). Rebooked and everything will be fine, but I’m now at the Porto airport for another 8 hours, and won’t get home until 2 pm Monday (which is approximately 33 hours from now). Sunday scaries are at an all time high, though I suppose it could be worse, because nothing terrible actually happened. But all my friends are asleep and I feel very alone in a foreign country where I don’t speak the language. Give Rosie lots of love from me.
“My own personal hell” being wine-drunk in Portugal is the overstatement of the century. Humblebrag like you read about. I don’t often advocate hair of the dog, but I think you just go all-in on wine again at the airport to cope. You’ll sleep it off on your flight back.
I take my career defining medical school boards (Step 1) on Tuesday. T’s & P’s appreciated!
No pressure. Just the rest of your life ahead of you.
Long time reader, first time writer. Shot down to DC for a 2 night mini vacation because fuck it why not? Night one ends in a violent blackout and pissing on my buddy’s floor not once, but twice. Bounced back with a nice day at the Smithsonian, proceeded to spend last night sucking face with a girl at the bar who had a boyfriend. Blacked out again and missed my 8 AM flight home. Currently staring down a 5 hour, $200 train ride home with some of the worst scaries of my life m.
Your Scaries aren’t as bad as the girl who you made out with. Just keep telling yourself that.
So, as of a few weeks ago I am officially living the post grad life. I’ve had lots of wild weekends in my day, but I was always of the mentality of that just being the college life. More often than not the horrifying and debaucherous things could be laughed of with friends and then moved past. Oh but no longer.
I’ve been living at home for the past few weeks until my job starts at the end of June. To pass the time and make a few extra bucks I decided to take the leap and try to mold some young minds (I’m a thoroughly under qualified substitute teacher). A few friends who are also living at home for a little while decided to go to the one local bar for the night just to hang out and have a few drinks. The few drinks very quickly turned into a few too many. After a little while my friends decide it’s about time to turn in but I wasn’t quite ready. I was talking to a few people I met at the bar and the live performer was absolutely electric. It was just one man and his guitar doing a half classic rock show and half comedy routine. Was he talented? No. Was he funny? No. Was I thoroughly entertained in my close to black out state? Absolutely I was.
The show is ending and it’s already getting pretty late and close to closing time, lets call it around 1 am, a woman walks in who I recognize as a teacher at the school I’ve been subbing at. I decide it would be a very good idea to sit with her at the bar and she quickly starts buying me drinks, talking about how cute I am, and taking me home. I laugh it off and think she’s joking. Black out hits.
Next thing I know I’m walking up the stairs of this 40 year old woman’s apartment. Was there an Uber ride? I hope to god she didn’t drive. At this point I can barely remember what happened, but the deed was definitely done. I do remember that there were a number of smoke breaks. I’m not bragging in saying that I can last so long this woman needed a break, but I was so intoxicated there was little to no performance. I’m very much not a smoker, but the taste that will not leave my mouth indicates that we shared at the very least a pack.
Morning comes a long and I am still extremely intoxicated and get roped into walking her dog to starbucks and getting a coffee. Apparently she knows every person at this starbucks and we end up there for a very long time. On the way back to her place she starts telling me about her divorce and her family trying to get her into rehab. I am too drunk and too 22 years old to deal with that. An uber that should have been ordered 8 hours before is called and I proceed home. Really looking forward to work tomorrow!
Keep up the very fine work and hopefully this is the first and last submission. Thinking about going sober for at least a little while.
I absolutely love the clarification that you don’t actually last long in bed and it was solely because you were tanked. Self-awareness at its finest.
While this story will be one you tell to your friends — new and old — for years to come, yeah, this is absolutely frightening. You going to Starbucks with her is a psychotic move. Uber home before the sun comes up next time.
I went to one of the most expensive spas in New York City for my birthday to treat myself (well it was my moms treat). I got a facial and massage in that order. After having hundreds of dollars of treatments my eye starts to get irritated before I left. I mention it and they take off the cost of the facial and give me Benadryl assuming I’m allergic to one of the products. My eye keeps swelling and I keep taking Benadryl. I couldn’t stay awake to eat dinner and celebrate with my boyfriend so he spent the evening watching TV while I slept and iced my eye. Sunday was supposed to be my party. I assumed the swelling would go down over night. I was wrong. My eye swelled entirely shut and I went to urgent care in the morning to find out it was an infection not allergy. They gave me antibiotics and an incredibly painful shot in the ass to reduce the swelling. My birthday party was cancelled due to my lack of vision and sunglasses. I need to go get another shot in my ass tomorrow. Urgent care also mixed up the order of my names so nothing went through my insurance properly including the prescription but I paid out of pocket because I was desperate as you will see in the attatched photo. Please don’t post it.
While I will honor her wishes of not posting the photo, I will say this — that eye is swoll as helllllll. I think you need to complain to the spa and get a lifetime of free sessions. Sure, they infected you once, but maybe lightning won’t strike twice.
Had a big annual networking dinner in NYC for a college alumni related group I am involved with and serve on the board for. I live in PA about an hour and a half from the City and was planning to attend this event for the third year. Usually my husband goes with me but he couldn’t due to his work schedule this year. I invite a coworker/friend (arguably my work husband as he brings me Starbucks 1-2 days a week) named Sal to come as my guest instead. We decide to leave work midday to drive there, check into hotel rooms, and leave time to grab a drink before the dinner which starts at 6:00. The event is on a Tuesday. We are both in our 30s.
All goes fairly smoothly and we have one drink at our hotel bar before going to the networking dinner, which is in walking distance. The dinner is fine, we make small talk with some people, and probably each have a few more drinks between the open bar and wine service with the dinner. We have plans to hit the town after dinner and first go to a fairly upscale lounge/bar in midtown. We get a round of martinis and are starting to feel pretty good. The scene isn’t great so we decide to move on but first think it is a good idea to do a shot. We order chilled cafe Patron after being advised that the bartender does not know how to make red headed sluts. Both almost yak but pull ourselves together.
The next move is a gentlemen’s club. I don’t know why but this always becomes the move within a fairly varied group of people I hang out with. We go to the club, start drinking cocktails, get annoyed because we feel like we are getting no attention, then get attention and next thing I know we are in a private room with these 2 chicks. Sal and I don’t really interact with each other throughout this period as we each just hang out with our respective chick. This was all Sal’s idea and he insists on paying the bill and I’m pretty sure he blew at least $2,500 on this, which included a bottle of Grey Goose. At one point, Sal leaves the room to go to the bathroom and accidentally walks in on another room on his way back where he claims people were banging but he can barely see because his chick took his glasses off.
After the extremely expensive hour and a half, we leave and decide to get food. We find a diner where I make the atrocious decision to order a tuna sandwich ??? We make it back to the hotel unscathed around 3:45 and go our separate ways. Fast forward to the next morning (Wednesday), on which day we have to drive home to go straight to work. I am able to get myself up around 9:00 and Sal is already waiting in the lobby when I have to shower and get dressed. I accidentally cause myself to start throwing up in the sink (creating tuna sandwich PTSD) while brushing my teeth which creates a setback. We ultimately get into work around 11:30, watch Catfish in another coworker’s office all afternoon, and generally avoid all emails and phone calls. None of this should have been a Tuesday night move. Also probably never eating tuna again.
I’m not a drunk puker. Never have been and hopefully never will be. I thank my lucky stars for it because I can’t imagine something like tuna getting ruined for me because I threw up after a night out. Thoughts and prayers.
Drank and appropriate/aggressive amount of beers Friday night but came home at a reasonable hour. Drunkenly put whitening trays I’m supposed to wear for a half hour. I passed out and slept for 8 hours. I still can’t breathe without my teeth hurting.
That’s so much worse than you staying out until 4 a.m. and being a shell of yourself the next day. So much worse.
I had to put my dog of 13+ years down Sunday.
Noooooooooooooooo. Hands down the worst submission I’ve ever received. Fuck.
Please chase this last submission with a listen to The Sunday Scaries Podcast episode I dropped yesterday. It’s the only way. See you next week. .