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Weather brings people together. Sometimes Dave and I look out the window here at Grandex HQ, notice that it’s raining, then say in unison, “Boy, do we need it!!!” (because we totally do; you know how Texas gets!). Whether you actually elect to go outside and directly experience weather is neither here nor there; if you’re in a given location at a given time (which you always are, unless you’ve stumbled upon some sort of Interstellar tesseract situation), you are subject to entrance into spontaneous conversation about the weather.
Marty: “Hey, Jim! Some weather we’re having, eh?”
Jim: “My wife left me.”
Marty: “You see those big, lumbering clouds over there to the east? Those are called ‘cumulonimbus;’ means more rain’s a’comin’! Hope you’ve got an umbrella haha.”
Jim: “There’s a hole in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon. Cheryl was my world.”
Marty: “Haha I agree, Jim: Boy, do we need it!!!”
Weather is every introvert’s worst dream: a shared experience you can’t flake out on.
As someone who’s been a fan of weather ever since I found out you can make it look like you’re smoking a cigarette when it’s cold outside, I typically will never shy away from a nice little mindless exchange about what’s going on outdoors. That is, unless the conversation centers around some completely made-up term like “bomb cyclone.” Unlike polar vortex — which was absurd in its own right but an actual thing — bomb cyclone is not a classification of any officially documentable meteorological event (that would be “bombogenesis”). All it is? Sensationalist pop-culture drivel that deserves no real estate in my timeline, head, nor life. Like polar vortex, however, it could easily be the name of a Mountain Dew flavor vertical.
Going off that, bomb cyclone may sound delicious but it doesn’t even sound all that cool. Anyone who thinks it does simply doesn’t realize that the word “cyclone” is doing all the heavy lifting. Put cyclone after anything and it immediately sounds interesting.
“Turtle cyclone.”
“Insurance premium cyclone.”
“Sectional couch cyclone.”
Once everyone stops focusing so much on “cyclone” and looks at the phrase as a whole, they’ll realize it sounds more like something you’d hear in some middle schooler’s 432-view YouTube video titled “Saniflo 023 Toilet Flush Review, Round 2.”
Below is a list of made-up weather phenomena that could easily garner as much press as the “bomb cyclone” at any moment because nothing is sacred anymore.
1. Wildfire – Fire sprocket
2. Tsunami – Tidal bash
3. Earthquake – Big ol’ shake ’em up
4. Windstorm – Gusty jibbler
5. Mudslide – Soil maelstrom
6. Winter storm – Arctic Snowpump
Marty: “You hear about that gusty jibbler coming in? We sure don’t need that!!!”.
Image via Shutterstock
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Jared Borislow
Jared Borislow (@JaredBorislow) is a Senior Editor for Grandex Inc and the supreme leader of the Bone Zone.
@jaredborislow
@jaredborislow
Waking up with a jibbler staring you down is just the worst.
Lol’ed at “Big ol’ shake ‘em up”.
Hurricane – Wet Spinner.
Flood – Earth Juice Spill.
This sounds like a weather version of Aziz Ansari discussing nicknames in parks and rec
what’s your stance on “noreaster”
Kinda like it, tbh. It’s vintage and doesn’t insist upon itself.
That went out of style alongside black-and-white TV
I remember when one of the weather channel guys heard thunder in a snowstorm and went absolutely BANANAS. These people live for this.
To be fair, thunder in a snowstorm is pretty wild in real life too. Maybe not Jim Cantore’s level of excitement but it’s cool.
stupid weather terminology is definitely a problem of the modern day post graduate