I’ve had minor success in the past seven or eight years of my life when it comes to dating and hooking up with women. For the majority of high school I was a pre-pubescent, less attractive version of Zach Morris. I didn’t really come into my own until midway through my junior year when I finally ditched the buzzcut in favor of a more fashion forward haircut that showed off my blonde locks. By the end of my senior year in high school, I had a full blown shag and I will tell you unabashedly that I looked good. My flow gave me that extra pep in my step that I hadn’t had before. I was getting play from girls who wouldn’t have given me a second look in the hallway one year prior. I had haters. I loved it. It gave me a backbone that I didn’t know I had. And, for better or worse, it probably shaped how I interact with women today.
Throughout high school and college, I was under the impression that I could get any girl at the party if I was confident enough. This is, of course, incredibly untrue for a variety of reasons. But there’s one thing that gets overlooked and doesn’t make headlines, like, ever. I scrolled through Bumble yesterday in my new city and I began to notice a disturbing trend. I was getting matches, sure, but they all had the same color hair. It’s an issue that I’m sure has been discussed in dark corners of seedy bars and back alleys all over America. Naturally blonde women do not like blonde men. There is something ingrained in blonde women. I have no idea what it is. It’s a little voice that whispers “wrong” when they are looking at a blonde male as a potential suitor. Blonde women can do this because, as everyone knows, women hold all of the cards. Any girl-and I mean any girl- can head out to a bar and get laid. Not every guy can just go out to the bar and bring a girl home.
Leonardo DiCaprio can. Justin Bieber can. An average joe like myself? Not so much. Blonde men are a minority population. It is a gift and a curse. Yeah, it’s nice to stand out in a crowded bar. People can identify you by your hair. But we take what we can get. We are an underrepresented group swimming amongst brown and black haired men who have their pick of the litter.
Upon having this realization yesterday, I began racking my brain. I thought back. Back to the beginning of my days as a teenager when it was all about trying to get any action whatsoever. Back when a girl writing you a note and slipping it in your locker was a big deal. Never mind the fact that this was a rarity for me. I couldn’t think of one single blonde girl throughout middle school, high school, or college who was super into me. Sure, I had a few hookups with blondes in high school and college, but they were fleeting and average at best. My college roommate (who is also blonde) dated a blonde girl for five years. They almost got married, actually, but they ended up breaking things off. The point is, that’s literally the only instance of blonde on blonde attraction that I can currently think of.
My bread and butter has always been brunettes. It’s for this very reason that I identify as a “brunette guy.” The girl who I’ve been writing so extensively about in “The Chase”? She’s a brunette and I’m kind of obsessed with her which isn’t okay because she lives halfway across the country. It’s not that I ever wanted to become a brunette guy. I’m a victim of circumstance. Emily Ratajkowski is on my personal first ballot, hall of fame list at the moment. Is it because she’s a brunette? I honestly don’t know anymore. I think I’ve tricked myself into thinking that blonde chicks aren’t that great. There are blonde girls everywhere that I think are gorgeous. But I’m like a dog in a lot of ways.
Get shut down by a blonde at the bar? Fine, go for the exact opposite and see if that works. I’m into brunettes because those are the girls that tend to be responsive to my advances. Trust me, if I had the ability to hook up with blondes all of the time I would. But as it stands brunettes are what I can convince to come home with me. So why stir the pot? If brunettes are what I can get, than that’s what I should take, right? WRONG. I want to taste the forbidden fruit, goddamnit. And also because I like stirring the pot. I’m thinking that maybe I should head to a barber and dye my hair brown or black. It’d look super weird with my blonde eyebrows and fair skin, but I want to know how the other half lives. Okay, so maybe I won’t go that far. But I did ask a few blonde women in the office what they thought of blonde guys, and they all gave me the same answer: nope, sorry, not into it.
We’ve all read the studies. Men are attracted to women that look like their mothers. My mom is blonde and I don’t think she’s hot. I can’t say I really agree with Freud or anyone else who tells me I’m attracted to my mother. My name isn’t Oedipus and incest isn’t en vogue like it was during Roman times.
Presently, I have a relatively conservative haircut. It’s not flashy, but it’s not boring either. It’s just very middle of the road. Should I go get it cut like Bieber? Am I just putting blonde women on a pedestal? I don’t know a lot of things for certain, but I do know this: blonde women are not attracted to me and I cannot for the life of me figure out why..