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Read last week’s edition of The “Best” of LinkedIn here
If you’re like me and spend a lot of time wading through the trash heap that is LinkedIn, you come across your fair share of colorful characters. Everybody is trying to stand out on the information superhighway and unfortunately the few who chose LinkedIn as the platform to express themselves might be forever stuck in the slow lane. Here are a few more of these lost, sad souls.
Roll call!
Don’t you hate when you’re browsing Linkedin, looking for potential job opportunities and instead you accidentally buy a yacht? #bestoflinkedin pic.twitter.com/3uLRU4Tqa9
— The “Best” of Linkedin (@BestofLinkedin) January 29, 2018
I’m a salesman by trade. If you’ve ever interacted with me in any capacity you know the primary ware that JR Hickey is shopping is JR Hickey. That’s why LinkedIn is the perfect place to sell yourself. Your talents, your resume, your very particular set of skills. Not your police impounded yacht currently located in goddamn India.
People you may know
“I would have gotten away with it too!
If it weren’t for you meddling kids and your dog!”#bestoflinkedin pic.twitter.com/nuSx3eEUz1
— The “Best” of Linkedin (@BestofLinkedin) January 30, 2018
“Hang on baby bro, I’m bout to take this fire LinkedIn profile pic…
…actually put those sunglasses back on and stand behind me.” #bestoflinkedin pic.twitter.com/SYUJ94kr2B
— The “Best” of Linkedin (@BestofLinkedin) January 30, 2018
Tyler will literally sleep with your mother in the name of hospitality #bestoflinkedin pic.twitter.com/KBr0vNRaN7
— The “Best” of Linkedin (@BestofLinkedin) January 24, 2018
I’ll get lost for hours in the “People You May Know” section of Linkedin. It uses a strange algorithm that cross references your email address with your current location in addition to the companies where you’ve worked and your school. It then spits out a list of the most random yet somehow familiar people you may know.
Regularly I find myself gasping at my desk upon discovering that the girl from the same dorm floor as me who famously had her stomach pumped freshman year is now a FEDERAL JUDGE? Or that the salutatorian from my high school is now a Stay At Home Dad? And he advertises that about himself? ON LinkedIn? Man what a hero he’s become. At least I still have my hair.
The Nobody
John’s both an EVP AND SVP of Retail and Restaurant. He’s also a Keynote Speaker, a People Builder and an Inspirational Leader***!
***he manages a Fuddruckers#bestoflinkedin pic.twitter.com/wu3V27TCC9
— The “Best” of Linkedin (@BestofLinkedin) January 26, 2018
Wouldn’t it be great if LinkedIn was real life and you could just award yourself titles? Henceforth I would like to be known as JR Hickey, #1 Comedian in the World, Layer of All Women, Motivational Speaker and Master of Coin. But alas, while I’m full of shit I’m not as completely full of shit as our boy John here, a phD having failed restaurant manager.
The Stalker
You used LinkedIn to stalk a recruiter you saw on Match?
You’re what’s wrong in 2018 Rob#bestoflinkedin pic.twitter.com/Ls9huPAU9H
— The “Best” of Linkedin (@BestofLinkedin) January 29, 2018
Like every other social media platform, the weirdos and the wackadoos come out of the trees to make women feel uncomfortable on LinkedIn too. Isn’t meeting a woman under a false pretense in order to hit on and possibly sleep with looked down upon in 2018?
Straight Up Assholes
I posted a job listing asking for resumes
I received 92 resumes
I haven’t read a single one because I’m playing a stupid mind game nobody’s clued in on
I’m Josh and I’m a huge piece of shit#bestoflinkedin pic.twitter.com/r92mXcUZM0
— The “Best” of Linkedin (@BestofLinkedin) February 1, 2018
This is where I get confused and can’t tell if I’m on LinkedIn or the Seventh Circle of Hell. Regularly CEOs and “people of influence” (their words, not ours) brag about the ways they’ve screwed over employees or potential clients to prove a point or teach a lesson. ONLY on LinkedIn is this considered acceptable behavior. If I was in charge of hiring for my company and told my boss I had 92 resumes and hadn’t looked at a single one because I was waiting for someone to “go the extra mile” they’d send me the extra mile out on my ass.
More Liars
“I’ll take Things That Absolutely Did Not Happen for $600, Alex!”#bestoflinkedin pic.twitter.com/QRGaA1lnwr
— The “Best” of Linkedin (@BestofLinkedin) January 24, 2018
Jason sent out FIVE THOUSAND applications
And I slept with five thousand girls
You don’t know any of them they go to a different school#bestoflinkedin pic.twitter.com/w1cDNIkAgE
— The “Best” of Linkedin (@BestofLinkedin) January 25, 2018
No James, the CEO of Alaska Airlines doesn’t dial up random liars like you to chat#bestoflinkedin pic.twitter.com/hszc2APE8R
— The “Best” of Linkedin (@BestofLinkedin) February 2, 2018
With their feelings on fire, guess they’re just bad liars? It’s widely accepted that everybody lies on social media occasionally. It’s been alleged that I wasn’t actually watching The Departed every time I tweeted that it was on (but nobody has any proof of that). What really shines a light on the lies on Linkedin is that they’re being told by people who are:
A. Not good storytellers
B. Not natural born liars
C. Fucking dorks.
You’re telling me the Financial Officer for a company doesn’t have a creative bone in his body and needs to lie to his weird, formal online “network” to feel like he didn’t throw his life away?
You don’t say.
Make sure to follow the “Best” of Linkedin Twitter account and send your screenshots of the cringe inducing Linkedin posts you encounter with the hashtag #bestoflinkedin!.
Respond
JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
Of course the guy who plays mind games with candidates is a “Millenial Maven” and a “Golden Retriever Father.”
Getting a Masters & still serving tables sounds brutal.
Can confirm, getting a Masters while working any job is brutal.
Just don’t let these people take up a fraction of your mind.
I was not aware there were as many “guru’s” out there as there apparently are until I started using LinkedIn more.
Worked for a company that actively encouraged sales reps to post these fake anecdotes about interactions with clients on LI. I left after four months, still get excited anytime I get a notification that one of those reps posted.
That guy the didn’t read 92 resumes can go fuck himself with a flagpole. “Hey I’m going to put this job out there and get a bunch of people’s hopes up because I’m such a terrible employee and cant do my job.” Also what the fuck is a “Millennial Maven”? What an asshat.